This is the final story involving my ex-friend Rob. My conscience tells me not to publish this blog article because it would just not very nice of me. Still, Rob says I have made him “unhappy at every opportunity”. I feel like if I am going to bear that burden, then I should get to channel my feelings somehow. This blog is one of my outlets. I know I really shouldn’t be speaking ill of the mentally ill, but I’m irritated that I am the bane of Rob’s existence. I am angered that Rob has made me responsible for his unhappiness. I’m confident that my friends love me and do not share Rob’s hateful point of view, so really this blog won’t damage their opinion of me. Should Rob ever read this however, I might as well live up to the reputation he has given me and make fun of his ridiculousness.
In the final months of our friendship Rob, you were obsessed with the fact that your girlfriend dumped you. You were surprised by the dump, (even though she went on vacation that summer without you), because you felt everything was great*1. So upset were you that even almost half a year after she had dumped you, you were not showing any signs of recovery. It was clearly not healthy*2, and I tried to help you out by being there to listen, and to spend time with but you just wouldn’t get better. To be honest, it irritated me because some people have real problems and face it with more courage. To put it in perspective, it takes less time for debilitating grief to pass after a family member has died than it takes you to get over a breakup. To me, that is pathetic, but I digress. Anyway, not realizing how pathetic you were being, you seemed content to hold on to that grief for dear life. At the time it boggled my mind. It had been literally half a year of depression, but as it turns out I had no clue how long you could hold on to your troubles. Six months is nothing.
A couple of months ago I realized that it was five years since I told you I was transgendered. I actually hadn’t planned on telling you at all, because over the years you had made many rather disparaging remarks about transsexuals. In fact the only reason I told you was because you had just sent me an MSN message where transsexuals were the butt of your joke. I decided to speak up so you'd know such jokes were unwelcome. We ended up having a civilized conversation about it, and even though you refused any further attempts to talk about it, you seemed to accept it.
Anyway, since you were on my mind, and I hadn’t heard anything from you in about four and a half years, I sent a quick email to see how your were doing.
My email was quite short, only a dozen or so sentences. I have to admit the first three or four sentences were kind of snarky, (I said something about him holding on to irrational grudges) but I finished on a positive note. When you replied I was very surprised, but not as surprised as when I read the response.
Rob, you said that he has been very happy without me in your life for the past four and a half years. Without me your confidence has gone up and you had made new friends. You said that I treated you like shit and made fun of you for as long as you has known me. You said that I made you unhappy at every opportunity. I was quite surprised to read this. Sure I remember times when we argued and fought, I remember times when I had made fun of you. You are a frustrating person to be friends with. You do not like to be contradicted, and you are also “old man stubborn” (where you wouldn’t budge your position no matter how ridiculous and you wouldn’t acknowledge any facts that opposed it) so we often had some incredibly stupid arguments.
Despite petty arguments like that, in the final years of our friendship I thought you were one of my best friends. In the final months of our friendship I was trying to help you feel better over your (mundane, commonplace and unremarkable) break up. I just could not figure out why you’d be saying that I ruined your life. Luckily you pointed out some examples.
Jeff and I made fun of the way you spoke.
I cannot deny this. Rob honestly. You also cannot deny that you had a tendency to skip some of the consonants in the words you used, which made some of your sentences quite humorous. I recall several times where Jeff and I laughed ourselves silly over your gibberish. I realize it wasn’t very mature of us, and I tried to think of a reason for this immaturity. The answer came immediately. We were immature because this happened over TWENTY YEARS AGO. Rob! Jeff and I made fun of your speaking in highschool! We graduated in 1989, and then Jeff moved away in 1990! I can’t believe that your prime example of how I’ve ruined your life was from around the time that The Love Boat was cancelled. I will agree that we probably hurt your feelings back then, but now that a couple of decades have past, I just can’t feel any remorse over it. You shouldn’t either.
Rob, I have two pieces of advice for you:
1) You must understand this was decades ago. We were just kids who made fun of your random inability to speak properly. There is no reason to hold on to this memory, and certainly no reason to have let it ruin you life. If the ribbing you got in highschool really is still upsetting you, then you need professional help. I have a psychiatrist and I love seeing her. They can really help you.
2) Learn to fucking annunciate.
Eric and I used to sing a song about you being “pigeon-toed”.
When I read this I was taken aback. Eric and I sang a song about you being pigeon-toed?? I have to say that singing was not something Eric and I typically did together*3 and even if we did, why would we sing about you being pigeon-toed? It is a terrible insult considering you are not pigeon-toed*4. Even more surprising to hear that we sang a pigeon-toe song is the fact that it actually upset you! Unbelievably it apparently still upsets you to this day!
I don’t remember singing this song, so I asked Eric about it. He doesn’t remember either, but seems certain that we didn’t. In fact his response is the title of this article. Still, I can’t help but think that maybe we did sing this song, but then the question is – why don’t Eric and I remember? I have a theory.
Singing an insult to someone just doesn’t sound like adult behaviour. In fact it sounds decidedly pre-highschool to me. Also, our insult was ‘pigeon-toed’, and this clearly sounds pre-highschool too. I am left thinking that if we did sing this song, we must have performed it in elementary school. Apparently Rob, you are not content to still be upset over events that happened twenty years ago, you have to still be upset over events that happened THIRTY years ago.
Rob, again I have some advice for you.
1) If you are upset over events that happened in the 70s, then you really cannot blame your life on me. Maybe if you were not so “old man stubborn” you could get over these events from the incredibly distant past.
2) This is one of those times that the phrase “GROW UP!” actually fits. You are not 8 years old, you are almost 40. Being called pigeon-toed should not still hurt your feelings.
This article is already in the category of TL:DR*5, but I just have to briefly address your last complaint. Apparently I hurt you soooo bad that despite not having spoken to you in four and a half years, I was the cause of recent problems between you and a girl you dated. Your email says “you use to make fun of me and my enjoyment for for things like [Doctor Who]. To the point were I was embarrassed and even paranoid about ever mentioning it around you. I dated a girl for a few years who actually liked the show and really wanted to watch it with me. I would get sick at just the thought of that because of the way you always made me feel so I never did. She never knew why.”
True adolescent melodrama. That was about as deep as Twilight. You should be ashamed of yourself.
Rob, I have some final words for you:
I did not make fun of you for liking Doctor Who. I made fun of all the toys you had on display. I questioned why you'd read Doctor Who books, but not any other book ever. I wasn't just being mean, I loved books and I thought it was weird I would lend you great books that were constantly passed over so you could read "Doctor Who: War of the Daleks" and the like. I know I made fun of you wearing a long coat and scarf รก la the fourth doctor, but can you blame me? Honestly, I like Star Trek, but the day I start dressing like Captain Kirk I would hope someone might say something about it. Keep in mind we are still talking about events that happened in the 1990s. Life moves on. If my disdain for your obsession was too obvious in later years then I apologize for not hiding it better, but it is not my fault if (as we’ve seen) you hold on to these things for years and years and blow them all out of proportion. I had nothing to do with you getting sick about having your girlfriend watch the show with you, but I can tell you exactly why you felt sick.
You have always felt inadequate around other people. Being a closeted transsexual most of my life I have had similar feelings of inferiority, so it is easy to see it in you. You constantly doubt your own worth. The way you argue with people, the way you compete with people, they are all part of a defense mechanism. You can’t face failure in any way, so you try your best not to face it. You would always stubbornly defer resolution to any conflict, and would lash out at me if I pursued it.*6 When failure does hit, you take it way too hard. I remember when you got in trouble at Blacksun, so you quit. You constantly fear what others think, and you dwell on it. When your girlfriend dumped you, you devoted your life to being sad. Someone called you pigeon-toed in 1979 and you still cry over it.
Rob, I don’t mean to play armchair psychiatrist, but I did spend 27 years as your friend and I learned a thing or two about you, enough to say that I was not the problem. You’ve got real issues. If it hadn’t been me that you blame for your troubles, then it would have been someone else.
After discussing your email with a few people, the consensus is that nobody can figure out why I wanted anything to do with you in the first place. When I first wrote it was because I wanted to reconnect with an old friend, but in light of this last email from you, I think you’re pretty psycho.
* Rob would often lament that before the dump he was going to ask his girlfriend to marry him. He even said his plan was to make matching his and her titanium wedding bands. I found this interesting, as he did actually make his but he wore it all the time, even before the breakup! If they truly were meant to be wedding bands, then why would he wear it even before the proposal? I always felt this was just a story weaved so he could wallow in self-pity.
*2 If you want to know how unhealthy his grief was, one day Rob revealed a plan he was hatching. He wanted to show up at Lydia’s when his ex and her new boyfriend were there. His plan was to capitalize on her new beau’s reputation for violence and to somehow get punched in the face. He believed this would cause the ex to revile the new guy for fighting, and would at the same time she would nurse poor Rob’s broken nose and then they’d live happily ever after.
*3 Eric and I did sing sometimes though. When we were 14ish we recorded ourselves singing a couple versions of a song called "The Face Song” and sent it to CKOM and Brent Loucks played it almost every morning for months. The song was a kid’s song that was all about the things you do to get ready in the morning, ie wash your face, comb your hair, brush your teeth. One of our versions was in French, and we mistakenly sang chevaux (meaning horses) instead of cheveux (meaning hair). This meant the phrase “Comb your hair” became “Comb your horses”. In response to this being pointed out we later made up the Farmyard Face Song where we sang about milking your cow, washing your pig, and combing your horse.
*4 Honestly, my only memory of ever discussing Rob’s toes was one day I noticed they were almost as long as my fingers – and I mentioned that I didn’t know if that meant he was less evolved or more evolved than regular human beings.
*5 TL:DR stands for “Too long, didn’t read”
*6 The worst part about being friends with Rob is that we could be having a nice conversation and he would say something questionable. If I asked for some clarification or heaven forbid if I disagreed with him, then he would almost immediately bash me for "always having to be right" or "you always have to prove me wrong". He'd immediately change the topic from his questionable statement directly to his assertion that my personality is flawed. It was extremely irritating. This is a real example of what it would be like for me:
Driving home from the gym:
Rob: People have only four body types, and mine is the type that doesn't build muscle.
Sarah: What do you mean your body type doesn't build muscle?
Rob: My sister's friend's friend who is a trainer said there are only four body types, and mine is the type that doesn't build muscle.
Sarah: As if. Anyone can build muscle, you're just not doing the right exercises. We should just look up on the internet what you should be doing.
Rob: Oh you always have to prove me wrong! I can't say a thing without you sending me links on why I am wrong.
Sarah: I am not trying to prove you wrong, I...
Rob: Now you are trying to prove me wrong about trying to prove me wrong!
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