Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Give Her a Tip

On July Friday the 13th my derby wife had her 30th birthday party.  She called it the "Pants-off Dance-off".  No pants allowed.  I wore a skirt.  Most people wore shorts.  Some misunderstood entirely and showed up in their underwear.  As it turned out the title “Pants-off Dance-off” was likely named for the entertainment. 

Gin’s husband is in a band, so when we were told there was going to be entertainment we expected live music.  We were wrong.  We were herded into the basement, but the band was not there.  We patiently waited in the semi-dark a while, chatting and joking, when suddenly a blonde woman shouted “who wants to see some tits?”  Everyone looked at her like who is this weirdo? and so she had to shout “Serious, who wants to see some tits??” then she started dancing and the clothes started to come off.  Not meaning to sound lewd, it was really entertaining to watch.

A second dancer came out.  A brunette.  She was entertaining in a different way.  The blonde woman was very athletic and strong and I appreciated the muscles under her skin. The brunette woman was fascinating because of just how well she knew how to… be a stripper.  She looked like she was having the best night of her life with her favorite people in the world. I couldn't take my eyes off her if I wanted to.

Brunette brought out a chair, pulled Gin onto it, and started giving her a lap dance.  Gin was laughing and having a good time. I envied that. I was thinking about how uncomfortable I would be in that same position.  As if Gin could read my mind, she said something to the woman on her lap and in unison they both looked directly at me.  My heart sunk. Seconds later, the two of them took me by the arms.  Before I knew it, I was sitting on that chair with a fully naked woman writhing all over me.  Sensing my discomfort she put her arms around my neck, pulled herself close and whispered in my ear, "don’t feel weird, just love it."  Despite the advice, that moment was probably the most awkward I had felt in a long time… until about 30 seconds later when something far far far more awkward happened.

The dancer was doing her thing when suddenly she arched her back across my lap.  I raised my hands to support her.  I don't think I was supposed to touch her but she just really didn't feel stable. I like to promote stability in the naked women whose weight is on me so I put my right hand under her shoulder blades and my left hand under her ass.  She obviously accepted that offer of support because I felt her weight come down on both hands.  Then without warning she raised her right leg straight up in the air. 

With her right leg up like that, her butt cheek completely changed shape and position. I no longer felt any weight on the fingers of my left hand.  Without thinking, I allowed them to curl up for a better grip.  I swear, dear reader, that I had no idea my pinky finger was so close to her vagina.  

When I curled up my fingers I was shocked to discover that I had just made intimate contact with her lady-area.  When I say intimate, I mean penetration.  Pinky-in-the-pink.  I was told that the look on my face at that moment was "priceless".  The people watching all gasped and pointed and laughed. I felt more "horrified" than priceless as I sat there at the focal point of a group of on-lookers;  naked woman on my lap,  damp fingertip.  

Twice in my life I've had a group of people cheering my name in unison.  Once was during the "Mindfox vs Ladykillers" game, and the other was Friday, July 13th 2012, shortly after I put my finger in a stripper. 


The entertainment stayed at the party after they finished performing.  They (put on clothes and) hung out, drank and mingled with us.  I brought the brunette dancer a Palm Bay - "Official drink of the SRDL" - and I sincerely apologized for the poke.  She said that it was hilarious and I shouldn't worry about it (and that I had beautiful eyes).  Bella von Bastard walked over and said "You know Mega, you should probably give her a tip." Then she held up her hand, fingers curled in except her littlest finger, "I mean like money, not your fingertip again."

Tuesday, October 02, 2012


On Friday I was making kisses noises at Buddies. He considers this a prelude to an attack so he was frowning, his crest was slicked back, and his beak was open and ready to strike. Just before he lunged at my face, he rapid-fire sneezed three times. Bird snot speckled my face but my puckered-up lips bore the brunt of it. Now today I have a cold. 

It sucks, but it is looking like I am patient-zero for the bird flu. Sorry about the epidemic guys.