Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Give Her a Tip

On July Friday the 13th my derby wife had her 30th birthday party.  She called it the "Pants-off Dance-off".  No pants allowed.  I wore a skirt.  Most people wore shorts.  Some misunderstood entirely and showed up in their underwear.  As it turned out the title “Pants-off Dance-off” was likely named for the entertainment. 

Gin’s husband is in a band, so when we were told there was going to be entertainment we expected live music.  We were wrong.  We were herded into the basement, but the band was not there.  We patiently waited in the semi-dark a while, chatting and joking, when suddenly a blonde woman shouted “who wants to see some tits?”  Everyone looked at her like who is this weirdo? and so she had to shout “Serious, who wants to see some tits??” then she started dancing and the clothes started to come off.  Not meaning to sound lewd, it was really entertaining to watch.

A second dancer came out.  A brunette.  She was entertaining in a different way.  The blonde woman was very athletic and strong and I appreciated the muscles under her skin. The brunette woman was fascinating because of just how well she knew how to… be a stripper.  She looked like she was having the best night of her life with her favorite people in the world. I couldn't take my eyes off her if I wanted to.

Brunette brought out a chair, pulled Gin onto it, and started giving her a lap dance.  Gin was laughing and having a good time. I envied that. I was thinking about how uncomfortable I would be in that same position.  As if Gin could read my mind, she said something to the woman on her lap and in unison they both looked directly at me.  My heart sunk. Seconds later, the two of them took me by the arms.  Before I knew it, I was sitting on that chair with a fully naked woman writhing all over me.  Sensing my discomfort she put her arms around my neck, pulled herself close and whispered in my ear, "don’t feel weird, just love it."  Despite the advice, that moment was probably the most awkward I had felt in a long time… until about 30 seconds later when something far far far more awkward happened.

The dancer was doing her thing when suddenly she arched her back across my lap.  I raised my hands to support her.  I don't think I was supposed to touch her but she just really didn't feel stable. I like to promote stability in the naked women whose weight is on me so I put my right hand under her shoulder blades and my left hand under her ass.  She obviously accepted that offer of support because I felt her weight come down on both hands.  Then without warning she raised her right leg straight up in the air. 

With her right leg up like that, her butt cheek completely changed shape and position. I no longer felt any weight on the fingers of my left hand.  Without thinking, I allowed them to curl up for a better grip.  I swear, dear reader, that I had no idea my pinky finger was so close to her vagina.  

When I curled up my fingers I was shocked to discover that I had just made intimate contact with her lady-area.  When I say intimate, I mean penetration.  Pinky-in-the-pink.  I was told that the look on my face at that moment was "priceless".  The people watching all gasped and pointed and laughed. I felt more "horrified" than priceless as I sat there at the focal point of a group of on-lookers;  naked woman on my lap,  damp fingertip.  

Twice in my life I've had a group of people cheering my name in unison.  Once was during the "Mindfox vs Ladykillers" game, and the other was Friday, July 13th 2012, shortly after I put my finger in a stripper. 


The entertainment stayed at the party after they finished performing.  They (put on clothes and) hung out, drank and mingled with us.  I brought the brunette dancer a Palm Bay - "Official drink of the SRDL" - and I sincerely apologized for the poke.  She said that it was hilarious and I shouldn't worry about it (and that I had beautiful eyes).  Bella von Bastard walked over and said "You know Mega, you should probably give her a tip." Then she held up her hand, fingers curled in except her littlest finger, "I mean like money, not your fingertip again."

Tuesday, October 02, 2012


On Friday I was making kisses noises at Buddies. He considers this a prelude to an attack so he was frowning, his crest was slicked back, and his beak was open and ready to strike. Just before he lunged at my face, he rapid-fire sneezed three times. Bird snot speckled my face but my puckered-up lips bore the brunt of it. Now today I have a cold. 

It sucks, but it is looking like I am patient-zero for the bird flu. Sorry about the epidemic guys.

Friday, September 28, 2012

Random Act

I was sitting at my computer trying to determine what Chinese food to order when through the blinds I noticed something colourful outside the window, moving towards my back door.

I got up and went to the back door. When I arrived I saw a kid standing there.  He was about 11 or 12.  Short brown hair, green shirt.  Oh, and he was holding 5 helium-filled balloons.

He knocked. I opened the door.  He didn't say anything, and neither did I.  We just looked at each other for a few seconds.  Then he held out the hand that was holding the balloons.  I took them from him.

The kid turned around and walked slowly down the driveway.  He didn't look back. He made a left at the sidewalk and disappeared out of view.

I looked at the balloons.  Two blue, a pink, green and a yellow.  The yellow one has Mickey Mouse on it.  All five were tied to a piece of paper that said "COURTESY OF A RANDOM ACT OF KINDNESS"

Thursday, May 10, 2012

My Derby Wife

What does the term “derby wife” mean to you? Do you have a derby wife? Tell me about her. 

A 'derby wife' is something that I thought was silly when I joined derby.  I didn't think I would ever have one and I didn't even want one.  Then I met Gin.

Gin helps me train, she motivates me, she helps me learn, she helps me get off my ass and get to practice... but our relationship is much deeper than just workout buddies.  There are real emotions between us.   I respect her deeply.  I see parallels between her life experiences and my own.  We trust each other fully.  She is the safest person in my life and I can tell her anything.  She is always there for me when I need her.   She is wise, smart, and knowledgeable.  She entertains me with her antics and her quirks just endear her to me more each day. She makes me smile just by a stray thought of her.  Gin is often the first and last person I think about every day.  She is my best friend.

Identifying someone as your derby wife, if you're doing it right, is just another way to say you love her.