Thursday, May 26, 2005

Sarah's Special Night

On the weekend I went out to Diva's with Debbie. I had lots of fun. I surprised myself how relaxed and confident I was that night though. I was feeling like I had some extra strength in me that I hadn't noticed before. I saw some people who looked nice and I just started conversations with them. Not only that but I met a couple new friends, Michelle and Rhennea. I also had ample opportunity to talk to the bartender on my frequent trips to revisit my other new friend who goes by the name of Vodka Special - we are on such good terms though that I just call him "Special".

Saturday, May 21, 2005

It is worth it to take this chance.

I was thinking about yesterday's post where I said I was scared when installing that computer. I was feeling anxiety over people looking at me. I was worried people would know I am transgendered and they would whisper about me.
Then I realized that this is nothing new to me.
I have, over my entire life, been worried about that exact same thing. A year ago I would have been just as anxious fixing that computer as I was yesterday, for the same reasons too! I was always convinced that I wore a stamp that said 'transgendered' on my forehead and everyone could see it. To add to how I felt though I hated how I looked. I hated the image I portrayed. I hated my name and my voice. I hated who I was. Yesterday was different though, different by far. I felt like I looked good. I felt like I had extra confidence. I liked that people saw the image of a woman when they looked at me, and whether it be genuine or just courtesy, I was being considered female by everyone I talked to.

So yesterday when I said I was scared... I was scared, but you know what? I felt great. I was scared, but I felt normal. I haven't been able to shed that anxiety over being tg'd yet, so I had those negative feelings, but I also had all these postives countering it. If there is ever another transgender reading this, know this: When other parts of your life fit better, then what is bad doesn't seem anywhere near as bad. It is worth it to take this chance.

Friday, May 20, 2005

What an unbelievable day!

This morning seemed like any other day for me... except I woke up early. You have to know that if I wake up early then it is about to be a day to remember, and today could not have been more memorable for me.

I bet these posts are getting a little repetitive, even to me they are getting a little old. They are all 'and I did this dressed as a woman, then I did that dressed as a woman'. Today's story is no exception, but after today I think doing anything 'dressed as a woman' is going to be officially old news.

Anyway, one of our client's had a till go down so I had to go get it and bring it back. I was a little nervous, but I was totally happy to find that I was able to pick it up without any stares or anything. So then an hour or so later I not only took it back but I had to hook it all up, and transfer some files over the network to it. I was there for about half an hour! With all the staff looking at me, with all the customers looking at me. It was scary, but I did it.
I also did a little shopping with Joanne and then I went to my mom's for the evening to watch some TV. When I finally got home around 11:00 I hung out for a bit and as I was getting ready for bed I remembered years ago how I would repeatedly dream of the day where I would wake up, get dressed ( as a woman of course ) and just live my life for that whole day doing all my normal life things, and then come home and hang out until bed time and never once have to hide what I was wearing or how I looked. Today that is exactly what I did.
Yeah my dreams are kinda silly, but that honestly is something I have spent countless hours of the course of my life wishing for... and last night it happened and I almost missed it. That is exactly how life should be - that it gets to the point where yesterdays dreams somehow quietly turn into today's reality.

Thursday, May 19, 2005

Lunch at Jasmine's

So Heather and I went for lunch at Jasmine's - a vietnamese place on Circle Dr. I was a little nervous because of what I was wearing, but I have to say it really helps when you are with someone who absolutely doesn't care. So just as soon as being near Heather put me at ease we walked in and it was packed. It was not only packed but it is a small place where they shoved as many tables as possible in as possible. There are no dividers to hide behind, nothing. Well I took a deep breath and went in. I have to get used to it right? Well despite that I was still nervous as hell. We had to stand in front of everyone for a while while they cleared us a table and strangely that calmed me down. I was starting to feel normal, even under the imagined scrutiny of the restaurant's patrons. Then the waitress sat us down and to my relief we sat in the very corner of the restaurant. Not only that but Heather was sitting so she faced the restaurant and I sat so I faced the wall. What a sense of security that provided! Nobody could see me, I couldn't see anyone staring at me. This gave me the courage to turn around and scann the restaurant - I saw that nobody was looking at me, nobody cared. In fact even I couldn't even identify that 'what the?' look when I made eye contact with someone. I was feeling like things we all just going perfect and then the table next to us was populated. It figures the ONLY seat in the entire restaurant that was situated such that the occupant could see me had to be filled by someone I had met before. Luckily it had been a few years, and I do look quite different these days and so he didn't have that glimmer of recognition when we looked at each other, but it is just funny how you can always rely on something like that to happen. I was going to say it is Murphy's Law - where if something can go wrong it will go wrong- but now when I think about it - he sat where he sat, I sat where I sat, and we both had our own separate and perfectly normal lunches, just like two perfectly normal people should.
Seems like things went right afterall.

P.S. As we were paying the bill the waitress said "Thank you ladies."

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

The B Word

Today I went into the office that Shaun and Alex share. I sat on the floor and for nothing better to look at I stared at Alex's monitor. So then Shaun said to Alex, "If he's bugging you tell him to leave, he is just being a pest." Then Shaun asked me "was I supposed to say 'she'?"
I said yes.
He said "That's the hard part, I am getting used to calling you Sarah, but I automatically say he instead of she."
So I said he should just give it a try sometime. He said he'd try but it is just hard. Just then I got up to head back to my own office and said "Well try it now - say something about me after I leave." and as I left the room I heard Shaun say "She's a bitch."

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Walking is Good for the Heart

Well here we go Day Two coming to work dressed as a woman is over and I don't really feel any net difference. Yes it was amazing, I felt so ME, yet I still have a gaping hole that needs to be filled somehow. This is a serious problem that goes back to August. I was certain all I needed to do was tell someone I was transgendered, so I made an appointment with a counselor. Then after I talked to her in September I discovered a sudden need to tell my friends. Before long I needed internet hormones, then I needed to talk to a doctor, then I needed laser hair removal, then I needed a psychiatrist, then I needed to change my name. Do you see a pattern? Each thing I did didn't satisfy me like I thought it would. Yes it made me extremely happy and excited, but it still seems that I haven't figured out what I really need yet. It is like I am walking in a strange city looking for a certain location. I know the general direction, so I can tell I am making progress. I keep thinking my destination is right around the corner, but as soon as I round the corner I realize my goal wasn't as close as I thought, so I start walking towards the next corner. It almost feels like a never ending journey, but anything is better than standing still - besides, I am enjoying the walk.

I hate to say it, but I've got balls.

I totally do. Here I am, at work, for the second day in a row, dressed in clothes appropriate to my inner gender. My mom says I have nerve, but the irony of saying that I have balls is just too great to pass up, even if the imagery is a little sick.

Monday, May 16, 2005



Well, today I got up a little early, so after I showered I had about an hour to kill. I decided I would see if I could duplicate what Joanne did to my hair the other night. After about half an hour I didn't have hair like she did, but it still looked pretty good if you ask me. Well then I played with some makeup and you know, by the time I was done, the clothes I was already wearing looked a bit out of place, so I changed into the clothes I bought the other night and then I came to work. So here I am sitting at my desk - totally unmistakably Sarah.

Sunday, May 15, 2005

Have I ever mentioned how much I love life?
It is like I am on cloud 9 - but I am in love with myself.
Where do these emotional highs and lows come from?
Even if I get really sad some days, really mad other days, it is all worth it for when you feel great. Even if I get really sad some days, really mad other days, it is better than flatlining the emotional chart like I used to do. Even if I get really sad some days, really mad other days, it just means I am living life. I think I used to be dead before and I didn't even know it.
In case I've never mentioned it... I love life - and whatever I have to do to live that life - it is worth it.

Sarah went to work this weekend.

I was heading out today and I got a call from my boss Mark. He said he locked himself out of the office and wanted to know if I was nearby and could swing by and let him in.
I looked in the rear view mirror - I had makeup on and my hair was done as best as I could... I looked at my clothes - I was wearing the new shirt and skirt I bought at Winners... I even had my boobs on....
So I said "Sure, I'll be right there"

Well I showed up and except for a quick glance at my boobs Mark was all business. He actually took that opportunity to make sure everything was going alright for me at work. He wanted to make sure everyone was treating me ok. Before I knew it we had moved on to work subjects and here we were sitting in his office talking shop and I think both of us had forgotten how I was dressed. It is times like that that make me feel like this life is not going to be the horrid nightmare I was afraid of all these years. In fact each thing I do about being tg'd just feels normal. I've never felt normal before in my life - it feels really good.

Sarah gets her ears pierced again.

I went over to SunSera today and got Veronica to pierce me a couple more times. I am so impressed by how sharp that needle must be to slide through an ear with barely a drop of blood. I like getting my ears pierced actually, it is strangely relaxing. You hang out and chat for a bit and leave looking a little bit better. For that reason it is too bad I don't intend to get pierced ever again. I guess I'll have to find something similar to do replace it. Luckily just before I was ready to go Veronica asked if I have ever tried getting my eyebrows waxed. Now I have something else to look forward to!

Sarah's Bad Day... Sarah's Bad Roommate...

So this is a brief history....
In December my roommate Curtis said that he didn't like to see bath products in the bathroom... said they made him uncomfortable. A couple months after that I left a green bath sponge (that he calls a poof) out hanging on the faucet to dry. I did this a few times, and I would go back and put it in the cupboard later, but this particular night I fell asleep before I could put it away. The next morning I found it thrown into the corner of the bathroom. Curtis was obviously disgusted... which is weird because it is a thing that holds soap... it is cleaner than he is. Anyway, I was very angry over the reaction I imagined so I threw all his stuff in the corner of the bathroom. What kind of tantrum was he throwing anyway. I asked him later and he said "as if I want to touch your.... poof". The disgust in his voice was evident.

...and now to present day minus 1...
So the other night I did it again. I left the sponge on the faucet and he 'retaliated' by putting the the sponge in the sink and hanging his underwear off the faucet. I was hoping this was a joke, so I left a WHITE sponge out and some shave gel as my own escalation of the joke - I know, shave gel in the bathroom? OMG what a bitch I am. Anyway, I emailed him later and tried to let him know that I wanted to talk. Well as usual he would not talk. That night I said "Hey you read that email I sent?" "Nope" "Why not?" "Busy"
One word replies = annoyed in any language. I though, get annoyed when people refuse to talk about what is bugging them so I pushed. I wasn't about to go another 5 months afraid of leaving out bath products. I figured it would be easier for him to talk over ICQ so I told him that, and said I would log onto ICQ right then and now. An hour later when he hadn't logged in I gave up. I sent him the 'coming out' letters I had sent to various friends, my mom and my employers. I had hoped that I could make him understand SOMETHING, but apparently (if he even read hte letters - I highly doubt he did) he decided to hold onto ignorance and intolerance. Intolerance is the exact word for it too - bath products?? What an offense! I should go to jail! Maybe the fucker shouldn't be so intolerant with the person whose credit he is ruining by not paying his bills in four months. to today...
I went out to the kitchen and Curtis was bagging garbage so I helped out. We chatted pleasantly. Apparently Curtis made some awesome garlic cheese buns the other night. We also discovered we were out of garbage bags. I asked if he needed the bathroom, for I needed a shower. He said 'No, already done.' So in I went and I was reminded that I had left that stuff out and yay it was unmolested. I thought maybe the stuff I had sent the previous night might have helped. I thought maybe he is trying to understand! I thought maybe finally the faith I had in my friend Curtis would *finally* be rewarded! I showered for 15 minutes thinking that I was glad I had sent those emails. I was thinking maybe I can finally LIVE in my own home rather than hide in it! I was quite happy when I came back to my room. I dried my hair and got dressed. Then I checked my email and I found an email from Curtis saying that if I can't put my stuff away for his comfort, then he might just have to smoke in the apartment, because the only reason he goes outside is for my comfort. He said that I have been pushing the bathroom thing for weeks, and a good roommate should know when to make small sacrifices. I read in disbelief that he had sent it 34 minutes earlier! That means he had already sent it when we were pleasantly chatting. What a chicken! He can't even mention it in person??! What a disappointment!
So I figured if my obvious plea for understanding was not enough, my practical begging for a conversation went unanswered, that Curtis is not willing to do anything for me. It was plain to see that Curtis thinks less of me as a person and a friend than I thought. I mean for god's sake - the letters I had sent him earlier... they revealed that I was considering suicide before I ever considered coming out as transgender. You'd think a person would consider THAT level of discomfort in EVERY ASPECT OF LIFE before they selfishly put their own INCREDIBLY INSENSITIVE, INSECURE AND COMPLETELY INNANE discomfort. Have I mentioned it was bath products he is upset about? Well anyway, so I went to his room said "I'm out. I'm moving" then a few seconds later I said "no, I changed my mind, I am not leaving but you can." and I closed my door.
He called me selfish, so I went out to confront that. I let him know that it is he who is selfish, because he will not talk to me, he will not bother to learn, he will not even try to understand. He turns down every effort I have made. In fact he has no idea what I have shielded him from in the past few months. He is worried about bath products? Fuck- I wear makeup and bras to work and I certainly hid that from him to spare his comfort. I reiterated that he is the selfish one, and he took what I am sure he considers the high road by saying he can accept the blame. People only take the high road in a confrontation because to them it is forcing you onto the low road. He can accept the blame though because in this situation accepting blame is not like he was facing up to his shortcomings and developing his character by owning up to a flaw in behaviour, in fact by accepting the blame he is only admitting that he is being intolerant and that he is refusing to do what it right for a friend. The conversation ended with me saying that if bath products upset him that much, then he can't handle anything the future has to bring. So he said then it is a good idea that he leave.
So much for friendship.

The funny thing is, Curtis mentioned that he hopes I can get used to losing friends yet 20 minutes after I closed the door on Curtis I had both a new roommate or a new apartment lined up. Now my only trouble is deciding which to go for.

Friday, May 13, 2005

Friday the 13th wasn't so unlucky afterall.

I went over to Cole's the other night to check out his garage sale, but I was a little late - he and Janice and Mark we all heading out to Montana's for supper so they invited me along. The place was packed, so we all sat around the bar in the lounge - because in the lounge the tables are free-for-all. Janice was out being a table vulture ready to pounce as soon as someone left a table and the three of us stayed at the bar. One of the employees there - a girl named Sara - knows Janice, Cole and Mark, but didn't know me, so she walked over to Janice and said "Who is that girl sitting next to Cole?" When Janice told me this I was shocked because I wasn't even trying! I was wearing boy's clothes and had no makeup on at all. I used to think I was so unlucky - I used to think I was too tall, I used to think I was too sturdy looking, I used to think was head is too big, I used to think I could never pull this off. As I keep going though it seems like yeah, I am a big girl, but from what I have been seeing lately this male body I once considered a curse isn't going to be that hard to convert to female. I am actually a very lucky woman.

Sarah's New Clothes

Yesterday was one of the best days of my life.Joanne and I were going to go shopping and I was going to go pick her up, but before I went I changed into a pair of shorts, sandals and a blue collared shirt. Oh yeah, and I redid my hair and makeup and I wore and stuffed a bra. I was totally terrified to go outlike this, but if I was going to buy women's clothes I figured I should try to look the part as best as I could. So when I got to Joanne's house, she was impressed. We went to Winners and it took her 5 minutes to help me build up the courage togo in, but you know what? Half an hour later I had a bunch of things already tried on, I had 3 things picked out to buy and I realized I totally forgot what was happening.

So I picked out two shirts. Both were Tommy Hilfiger golf shirts? The kind with a collar and some buttons down the front. One is green and white striped and the other is grey and pinkish. I think that I am going to end up buying a lot of Tommy Hilfiger clothes because both the shirts were long and they totally gave me the illusion of shape. I also got a skirt. It is a size 14 and way too big on me, but I got it anyway because if I use a belt to cinch it up, it sort of poofs out the sides and again makes it look like I have some hips.

Well so I got those and we went back home where I tried them on. Joanne totally redid my hair and we touched up the makeup a bit and I looked in the mirror and almost fell over. I looked so good! So we hung out and took a bunch of pictures on the webcam (I looked way better in person) and then we went to Heather's, and then to Heather's mom's, and then to my mom's and then to Joanne's boyfriend's apartment where I was going to drop her off of the night.

Well earlier in the day I carried Joanne's tv down to my car because she was going to take it to her bf's house, so when we were getting close to his place she called him to get him to come down to carry the tv up. Well he wasn't home, so his roommate Silas came down and got it for us. Then I left. Before going home I stopped at a couple friend's places to show off and this whole time Joanne was waiting up for me to talk to me on MSN this is what she said:

[05/13 00:02:57] Joanne: ur never gonna guess
[05/13 00:04:55] Joanne: sarah?
[05/13 00:45:59] Sarah: hi
[05/13 00:46:01] Sarah: you there?
[05/13 00:46:07] Sarah: Sorry I've been to a couple people's houses!
[05/13 00:46:12] Sarah: I just got home
[05/13 00:46:13] Joanne: really?
[05/13 00:46:14] Sarah: yes
[05/13 00:46:18] Joanne: oh my god
[05/13 00:46:18] Sarah: I will never guess what?
[05/13 00:46:20] Joanne: guess what
[05/13 00:46:23] Sarah: what??
[05/13 00:46:26] Joanne: remember silas?
[05/13 00:46:29] Sarah: yes
[05/13 00:46:35] Joanne: he asked so many questions about you
[05/13 00:46:39] Sarah: like what?
[05/13 00:46:39] Joanne: like he's totally interested
[05/13 00:46:40] Joanne: hahahaha
[05/13 00:46:44] Sarah: omg interested how?
[05/13 00:46:50] Joanne: he asked me if i can hook u two up
[05/13 00:46:53] Sarah: shut UP
[05/13 00:47:11] Joanne: and i said...i'll ask her but she's into older guys
[05/13 00:47:12] Joanne: hahahaha
[05/13 00:47:16] Sarah: haha
[05/13 00:47:17] Joanne: and he's like how old is she
[05/13 00:47:25] Joanne: in her early 30s
[05/13 00:47:32] Joanne: and he's like WHAT?? she totally looks 22
[05/13 00:47:34] Joanne: hahahah
[05/13 00:47:36] Sarah: wow
[05/13 00:47:39] Joanne: isn't that amazing???
[05/13 00:47:44] Sarah: you are not lying to me are you?
[05/13 00:47:51] Joanne: i was on msn right after waiting for you to come back and tell u the great news
[05/13 00:47:52] Joanne: hahahaha
[05/13 00:47:58] Joanne: NO OOOOOOway!!
[05/13 00:47:58] Sarah: wow
[05/13 00:48:03] Joanne: would i ever lie to you? NO!

So I had quite an adventure yesterday.

Thursday, May 12, 2005

Sarah really needs a better camera.

One of the and nicest women I have ever met. She doesn't know it, but this girl is saving my life bit by bit each time I see her.

Sarah smiling on bed as she thinks about her new look

Sarah sitting on bed showing off her new look

Sarah leaning over camera. Wow she is cute eh? Look at how thin her arm is!

Sarah and her awesome friend Joanne. I have to say that it is amazing that I met this girl. I think she has given me so much courage that she is the main reason I am making the strides I am. She takes me shopping, she bolsters my self esteem, she makes me feel as cute and perfect as she is. I can't say enough about her. I love her so much.

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Sarah showing off her new identification

Mister Miss

So I got a call from MBNA Mastercard today and even though I did not want to apply for another credit card I could not help myself. I got annoyed at him, as I get annoyed at all telemarketing calls, and I was ready to hang up but he went straight into his schpiel and then asked me the question "Your name is still Andrew Ma*****on?" So I said "No, I changed it to Sarah Jana Ma*****on"
"To what?"
"Sarah Jana"
"Ess Ay Are Ay??"
"... ok Mister Ma**-"
"-***on I would like to introduce you to our new platinum plus...." and he kept going on and on and on. He would stop every few sentences and say "Now, Mister M-" "MISS!" I would interrupt, but he would just keep on going. One time after I corrected him he corrected me right back! "Mister Ma-" "MISS!" "... MISTER Ma*****on, I would like to tell you abou..."

So then he said it again and I really interrupted him this time. It is HARD to interrupt a telemarketer! I said "Miss! Miss! Miss!" he said "sorry?"
"You keep calling me Mister!, I am a miss."Then the most silence this guy has ever allowed on a telemarketing call ever ensued.
"Pardon me?"
"Well I told you I changed my name to Sarah, what makes you think I want to be called mister?"
"Pardon me Miss Ma*****on, this card has a 1.9% interest rate on balances transferred in..."

and then the rest of the call he called me miss.

My brain knows my name

Last night I was at the transgender support group and I was pretty tired and ended up falling asleep on one of the couches. Kris and Sherm were chatting away quite loudly and a couple times laughed loudly too but I just slept through it all. Then Kris whispered "Hey Sarah" and I woke up. They thought it was cool that I slept through all of that noise but even just a whisper of someone saying my name woke me up. Yeah it is cool - even while asleep your brain can filter out noise it doesn't care about and alerts you to noise it does find important like your name. Even cooler than that though is that the noise my brain recognized as *my* name was "Sarah".

Amazing Race Spoilers

So last night I missed the Amazing Race, but I plan to watch it tonight. Well my alarm clock went off this morning to the words "...mber and Rod didn't win the mill..." and then I slammed the snooze button. Yes, I heard 1 second of the radio today and I already found out who one of the losing teams was. I figured it was ok though, at least I didn't know who won right?So I go to get a coffee from the place in the hallway and the girl behind the counter - her name is Grichelle - is making a bagel for someone. Grichelle is VERY slow, and I always dread her making things for people because it means that it will take 5-10 minutes to get a coffee. Anyway there is a blonde woman in front of me in line that says "Grichelle did you see the Amazing Race last night?"So I say "ACK! Don't say who won! I haven't seen it yet!" and since I know I have a few minutes to wait for Pokey to make that bagel I go stand a ways away. The blonde girl understood that this meant they can talk quietly about the show and they do. When Grichelle is done making the bagel though I walk back over to the counter. The blonde girl says "oh he is coming back, we can't talk about it anymore shhhh!"Then the blonde girl asks who I am rooting for. I say Rob and Amber, but I had already heard they didn't win. Grichelle says "Yuck you wanted THEM to win? I hated them! I am glad they lost!"The blonde girl says "I wanted them to win too, but it is still a good show, you should really still watch it to find out who won."So I said "Yeah I am going to tonight - I just have to go all day hoping I don't find out who won."Grichelle asks "if you already know who lost then why can't we talk about it??"So I said "Well there are three teams competing, just because I know Amber and Rob lost doesn't mean I know who won."Grichelle said "oh! The black couple won."

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

"I don't think she wants mandarin"

Today I have a psychiatrist appointment so I thought I'd pretty myself up a little bit. I got up early and spent 30 minutes doing my hair. I flipped the bottoms out and I curled the upper parts in to give it more body (thanks for the tip Joanne!). After I had it looking pretty decent I decided to go all out today. Sure I only own guy's clothes, but underneath I wore a bra and those inserts to give me some sort of shape up there. Then I pulled out the lip gloss, mascara and eye shadow. When I was all done I think I looked pretty feminine and as my final act of bravery for the morning I got in my car and came to work. Then today for lunch I stopped at Wendy's Drive-Thru for a Mediterranean Chicken salad and when I got up to the window one girl bagged the salad and the other girl looked inside and said "I don't think she wants mandarin." and she replaced the mandarin chicken salad with the mediterranean chicken salad.

Did you catch that? "she"

Monday, May 09, 2005

Who wants luck?

I called MBNA Mastercard today to get both my address and name changed with them and the woman called me sir sir sir all throughout changing the address. Then when I told her about my new name she apologized for having called me sir and she said that she is going to suggest to her supervisor that they change their policy to only use a title such as sir or ma'am if that had been already been asked of the client first. So I laughed and said that I am sure what they do is just fine. I said that my case is probably pretty rare, and even if another like me does turn up we totally understand making that mistake over the phone like that. Then the woman then said "Sarah you would be surprised how often your situation turns up, it is not as rare as anyone thinks." I thanked her for understanding and the conversation ended with "Sarah, I wish you the best of luck." So there she is, wishing me luck.

The truth is, the hardest part of this change is dealing with other people. The truth is, if more people shared the mindset of that anonymous mastercard operator then none of us would need luck.

Thursday, May 05, 2005

Sarah Lives!

Sarah Lives! Yes, it is true. Sarah lives. But how do you know? It's easy to tell I am alive right? Any number of simple things can verify that for you - you can look at me, talk to me, touch me (please touch me), and it is obvious I am here and living. What if I move away and you don't get to do those things? How will you know Sarah lives then? Well that's easy too - we have phones and computers to keep up communication so even if I am far away you can take comfort in the fact that I am alive and well. So that is how my friends and family will know I am alive, but what about anyone else? How will some stranger even know I ever existed let alone that I am currently alive? Well that is because as of this week my name is legally Sarah Jana Mathiason! From now on Sarah not only lives in the hearts and minds of her friends, but she also lives in phone books, in vehicle registrations, on paycheque stubs, bank statements, in all manner of bills, on government records, medical records ....

Yay Sarah Lives! But poor Sarah... she has only lived for three days and she already owes money.


So I was so excited to see that Bruce Springsteen has a new CD out. YAY! I wanted to leave work that minute to run to the store and pick it up. Instead though I decided I could wait for lunch if his website let me hear a song or two. The site actually lets me hear a part of each song on the CD and you know what!? I don't like any of them.

Monday, May 02, 2005

Bathroom Adventures

So lately I have been adopting some stereotypes. I think maybe it is normal for a male to female transgender to try out some things that are typically 'female' to see if she likes it, and I think it is probably also normal for her to find amusement or annoyance in things that are typically 'male'. One of the most recent stereotypes I have adopted is that women are clean and men are messy - especially in the bathroom. There is one main bathroom in my building, it is very close to my office and it is always in use. When I get in there I often notice that there will be pee on the toilet seat. I am not sure why these guys don't lift the seat before they pee but I think part of the reason is that guys are lazy, and another part is that they probably like to think they are just too good at marksmanship to lift the seat - that would be implying they needed a handicap of some sort. The trouble is that peeing is just like those games at the exhibition where you shoot the water pistol into the clown's mouth to blow up a balloon. You know that game - It is pretty easy to keep the stream shooting straight once it gets going, but right at the start of the game you never really what the exact shape of the nozzle is like, you never know how much pressure is behind that water. Even if you have ample pressure, it isn't like a yellow laser beam you are shooting - it is a stream of liquid, and liquid has drips, and drips drop. I figured guys probably just don't consider such variables when it comes to a quick urination. I think I basically boiled a man's messy bathroom habits to laziness and male ego, and I was content to leave it at that. We also have a couple more sets of bathrooms, one set in each end of in my building. These bathrooms are labeled male and female, but really since they only fit one person each, and you can lock the door behind you, then really there is nothing to stop either sex from using either bathroom. So I now use an official women's bathroom whenever I have to go and that makes me happy, but the other day to my surprise I look down at the seat and you want to know what I see? I see pee. Yes, someone had peed all over the seat. Maybe had I not adopted these stereotypes so firmly I would have reevaulated my position, but instead my first thought was "some guy obviously came in here and used this toilet."So where am I going with all this? I assure you am going somewhere. It has to do with caffeine, jumpy nerves and high-tech bathrooms. See I drink a lot of coffee here at work, and as my office-mate Jesse can attest to, coffee makes me extremely jumpy. When the phone rings I always jump, and sometimes I even let out a little shriek of terror. It is embarrassing, but it is just adding to the wondrous variety of my personality. Anyway, today I had to go to the bathroom and the women's bathroom was locked, so I go to use the men's room instead. I am a sit-pee'r of course, but I looked at the toilet seat and guess what I saw. You guessed it - I saw pee. So I decided I would use the urinal for the first time ever in this new building. I stood in front, unzipped, pulled out, grabbed hold, and got ready to let fly and just at that instant before anything came out I realized I hadn't locked the door! I suddenly got nervous that someone may come walking in - I think I am somehow training my head to believe I don't belong in the men's room - so I took two steps to the left to press the lock on the door. I was even more nervous as I did this because I hadn't put everything away. I was still in a very ready-to-pee configuration. What could be worse than being caught with your penis out when you are not standing at a urinal? I didn't get to consider this very long though for as soon as the sensor detected I was no longer directly in front of the urinal there was a very sudden and very loud WHOOSH! and the urinal auto-flushed with a high-power jet of water. At that very moment, the combination of nervousness, caffeine jumpiness, a swollen bladder, and having stopped a pee just at the cusp of peeing combined with that loud unexpected sound of rushing water and caused an involuntary reaction so severe that I let fly a short but powerful stream of pee that missed the urinal altogether and made drops all over the floor. I quickly turned back to the urinal to finish the job properly, but as I did so I just stared at the mess I had made. I considered what to do about it and I quickly came to the conclusion that I wasn't going to do anything. Well it's not like I have a rag or a mop you know! I could use toilet paper but then I know some would soak through and touch my skin - so that for sure puts that option out. No, the only thing left to do is to just leave it. Afterall, it is the men's room - who is going to notice some extra pee in there.