Sunday, February 25, 2007

Just For Now - Imogen Heap

Thanks Gwen, for sending me a link to this video

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

I Thought We Had More Time

Two weeks ago was the anniversary of my sister Laurie's death. I didn't write anything because it is such a hard subject to think about. Last year I didn't face the difficulty because I posted a story that I originally wrote for her funeral. This year I sat down to write something several times, but the topic was just too sad. I struggled for a few days and kept coming up with nothing. Then I gave up. Since then I haven't felt right about this blog. I felt my heart sink whenever I thought of a new blog topic because I felt like posting some silly story instead of something about Laurie would be disrespectful. It felt like I would just be letting her down. I decided today that I wanted to change that while I still could. Sometimes you make a mistake and you can't go back... like the last time I let Laurie down.

I don't remember many details about that day. I only remember that we were in a hospital room and Laurie was laying in a coma. We had already spoken to the doctors and we knew that we had little hope she would ever recover. Everyone in my family, except for me, was giving her hugs and telling her that we loved her. It seemed like this was our last goodbye and I couldn't bring myself to participate. Instead I asked her if she could squeeze my finger and she did. I knew what the doctors had said, but I didn't want to believe that tiny squeeze was a final effort. I felt hope surge in me and I didn't want to lose it. Worse, I didn't want her to lose hope either, so I made a decision I have regretted ever since. I knew she could hear me and I thought that if I said I loved her, then she would understand that this was goodbye, and that she was about to die. I couldn't tell my little sister she was going to die, so I didn't say anything.

I don't think I had ever told Laurie that I loved her. Then in her final hours, when I knew she could hear me, I purposely didn't say it.
I never got another chance.

Laurie, I am so sorry. I just thought we had more time.

Monday, February 05, 2007


I am often hard on myself for my weight. I can't seem to stop comparing myself to other women - especially the ones I see on TV and magazines. I always seem to notice that the average woman weighs a lot less than I do and this upsets me. It is silly because not only did I develop as a male for 33 years, but at 5'10" I am also in the top 1% of women in terms of height. It should follow that given my prior body development and my added height, that I should have some added weight as well, but for some reason I needed a reminder.

Normally I think it is awful how some people are criticized in magazines, websites and some entertainment TV shows, but right now I am grateful for one popular story. I don't know if you have heard, but recently some bikini pictures of Tyra Banks have made many tabloids run headlines about her weight, specifically about how fat she has become. I saw one TV show that reported she has 'ballooned' up to 160 pounds. I had been feeling fat already, but when I saw that show I felt sick afterwards. I laid awake in bed for hours and I decided to get up and do some push ups until I felt I could sleep.

Back when I was still a guy I weighed 225 pounds, but by Christmas of 2004 I had made it down to 173 pounds. At around that time I decided I needed a weight goal, so I looked up the ideal weight for a woman my height. The ideal weight for a woman of 5'10" turned out to be 159 pounds. I knew I wasn't the 'ideal' weight for a woman, but I felt skinny and healthy even though
I never did make it to that goal weight.

In the past two years I gained thirty pounds back. I also lost the notion that I was exceptional in terms of height. I was comparing my weight to those of women that weigh 60-70 pounds less than me and I would feel like it is hopeless. Recently I have lost 8 pounds and even though I was proud of it, I was still feeling overwhelmed. Then today I happened to catch the cover of People magazine and it clued me in that I am not as bad off as I thought. It certainly feels good to know that at 161 pounds Tyra, who is the same height as me, isn't fat at all. She is just at her ideal weight.

Given that I have grew up developing as a male, I certainly have broader shoulders and a larger diameter rib cage than Tyra. I realize that alone probably means I will ever get to 161 pounds. Suddenly I feel like if I just lose 15 pounds more, that I will be at an ideal weight for me. Losing 15 pounds is not overwhelming at all.

Read the People article here:,,20009611,00.html