Tuesday, February 20, 2007

I Thought We Had More Time

Two weeks ago was the anniversary of my sister Laurie's death. I didn't write anything because it is such a hard subject to think about. Last year I didn't face the difficulty because I posted a story that I originally wrote for her funeral. This year I sat down to write something several times, but the topic was just too sad. I struggled for a few days and kept coming up with nothing. Then I gave up. Since then I haven't felt right about this blog. I felt my heart sink whenever I thought of a new blog topic because I felt like posting some silly story instead of something about Laurie would be disrespectful. It felt like I would just be letting her down. I decided today that I wanted to change that while I still could. Sometimes you make a mistake and you can't go back... like the last time I let Laurie down.

I don't remember many details about that day. I only remember that we were in a hospital room and Laurie was laying in a coma. We had already spoken to the doctors and we knew that we had little hope she would ever recover. Everyone in my family, except for me, was giving her hugs and telling her that we loved her. It seemed like this was our last goodbye and I couldn't bring myself to participate. Instead I asked her if she could squeeze my finger and she did. I knew what the doctors had said, but I didn't want to believe that tiny squeeze was a final effort. I felt hope surge in me and I didn't want to lose it. Worse, I didn't want her to lose hope either, so I made a decision I have regretted ever since. I knew she could hear me and I thought that if I said I loved her, then she would understand that this was goodbye, and that she was about to die. I couldn't tell my little sister she was going to die, so I didn't say anything.

I don't think I had ever told Laurie that I loved her. Then in her final hours, when I knew she could hear me, I purposely didn't say it.
I never got another chance.

Laurie, I am so sorry. I just thought we had more time.


Ariia said...

It is always so easy to look back and think you should have done or said something different. People beat themselves up all the time about what they should have done.

I don't think you let her down, I think that in her own way she knew that you loved her so much that you just refused to give up on her. Your silent 'I love you and I don't want to let you go' with holding her hand, probably meant just as much to her as everyone else's "I love you's." Words are not always louder than actions. And sometimes when faced with tragedy, words are even harder to come by.

Anonymous said...

Fantastic blog Really liked the dancer lol brought a smile to me ty for a great post .hopeing its ok to post my comment ..again ty for the smiles ....peace and luv ..Chace

Anonymous said...

I know that your sister knew that you loved her, and I know that she loved you dearly. Don't ever hold regret in your heart for what you didn't say, I know she wouldn't want you to.

Take gentle care, and know that I think of her often, your beautiful face brings forth many memories of her. You are beautiful just like your sister.


karen said...

she knew.