Friday, June 24, 2005
Saskatoon Falls
Well I wanted to go check out the river too, so I drove down to the weir. There is this nice observation area there and when I got there it was full of people who wanted to see this once-in-a-lifetime river depth. A nearby bridge was also lined with onlookers eager to see the raging river. It looked very touristy, as most everyone had a camera. It reminded me of pictures of Niagara Falls, and I wondered if there were any strangers to these parts here to check out what everyone was looking at. It amused me to think of that because the river was so deep the weir was submerged. The only hints that it was there at all was that the water flowed in a slight hump over top it, and occasional swirly waves broke the surface. In fact, except for the people standing around it pretty much looked like any other part of the river. Any strangers visiting Saskatoon who happened to stop to see what everyone was looking at might have been a little curious why there was an observation area there, but they would have been very confused over the hundred or so awe-struck people taking pictures of this practically uneventful area of the river.
Monday, June 20, 2005
Sunday, June 19, 2005
Sarah Takes a Stand
"What?", I said. I wasn't upset over the request, but I was more than a bit incredulous that in order to request it he followed me from the Previously Viewed movies all the way to the O section of the New Releases.
"Your bag, you can't take it in here."
I was still standing there holding my headphones above my head.
"I am going to have to get you to leave it at the counter."
"Do you think I am going to steal something?"
"...well no, but we don't allow bags in here, you have to leave it at the counter."
"My laptop is in this bag, so I'll just hang on to it."
"We don't allow bags in here though. It will just be at the counter. It will be safe I promise we won't wreck it."
I can appreciate that some people may be tempted to steal if they had a big bag in which to put things in. Since you never know who those people may be you would want everyone to leave their bag at the counter, but I still felt that the implication was that he was trying to prevent me from stealing. I was still standing there holding my headphones above my head debating what I should do. I thought that I could ask him to escort me around the store to make sure I didn't steal, or I could go wait at the counter with my bag and tell him to bring me disk 6 of The OC, or I could just do and say nothing. So I did and said nothing.
"It's company policy, I have to ask."
I just stood there holding my headphones above my head.
"We don't allow anyone to bring bags in here."
I just stood there holding my headphones above my head.
"It will just be at the counter."
I stood there holding my headphones above my head, and I raised my eyebrows a little bit.
"... but I guess it will be ok if you held onto it..."
I nodded as if to say he made the right choice, I put my headphones back on and left to find the dvd I wanted.
I probably sound like a jerk. I mean there are other reasons they may want you to leave a bag behind. Worn on your back like that it blocks the aisle, makes it easier to knock something over if you turn around. There could be any reason why they wouldn't want me to have it, but I still think the reason that policy is in place is to prevent theft. They have all sorts of security on their videos; they are locked inside a case you need a special device to open, they have the things at the door the beep when an undemagnetized video passes through it - their stuff is quite safe. That bag though, it is filled with MY stuff - stuff I don't want to lose. In a store full of strangers, the only person I can trust to keep my stuff safe is me, so I am glad I didn't let them have it.
OK, for the last 5 minutes someone outside has been screaming and it is freaking me right out. I have goosebumps. I have to go see what is happening.
Saturday, June 18, 2005
Friday, June 17, 2005
It's been one week ...
I just finished a week and it is weird. It is like the strangeness is already fading. I am almost feeling perfectly comfortable around strangers now. In fact where before I was terrified of seeing a reaction now I am looking for them. I make eye contact with everyone out there just to see if I am passing? You know what? I am pretty sure from the looks I see on people's faces that they are just seeing a big girl.
* Isn't it funny how I am so particular about the words I use? If I wrote 'dressed as a woman' it sounds like I am just pretending to be a woman, so I have to go through all these extra words just to say, once again, in case you forgot, that I'm not just pretending, I am a woman.
Thursday, June 16, 2005
"My Brother Sarah"
I was just searching for songs from one of my favourite bands (Ocean Colour Scene) I found that they have a song called "My Brother Sarah". I haven't heard it but I just thought that was funny. :-)
Jenn
I decided to look up the lyrics, here they are:
My brother Sarah
Doesn't know what clothes to wear
It's a dilemma
To get the stuff to match your hair
But mother and father
Sister and brother
Say they just don't know
My brother Sarah
Really wish you understood
Why he's got to show it
For it to be any damn good
But mother and father
Sister and brother
Say they just don't know
My brother lies awake at night
Wishing this world could just be right
But mother and father
Sister and brother
You and all the others
Say you just don't know
I was getting used to things by the time I was out of highschool, but it is true, for about 12 years or so I *would* lay awake every night wishing the world could be right.
By the way, there is the one part of the song that says:
My brother Sarah
Really wish you understood
Why he's got to show it
For it to be any damn good
The reason we have to show it probably does seem like a contradiction. I mean every transgender would argue that your gender resides in your head right? So I know people wonder why we can't just accept we are female mentally and spare everyone from seeing us dress female as well. I imagine a lot of people think we are putting on a show, that it is some grab for attention. I am terrified that some people think that we are just guys who like to wear fake breasts and makeup to flaunt an alternative sexuality, but that is not the case at all. The reason is we want to live in the female role. If people see a female image then they behave differently toward us. The behaviours we exhibit also become acceptable if we are presenting ourselves as female. It has nothing to do with the clothes, and everything to do with the image we present. We've "got to show it" because for us to fit into the female role in society is like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole and so we will do all the smoothing out, sanding down, and polishing we can until hopefully we find our way in.
Monday, June 13, 2005
Something about snails and puppy dog tails
I was worried that I will go there and get checked out and then have to wait forever again while they get the results and scientifically determine a prescription for me. I was worried that my appointment may be in 1 month, but the actual prescription may be even further away. Luckily, as with many things in my life, I coincidentally ran into one of the few people in Saskatoon to have recently gone through this same experience. I was at Mystic Java when in walked M, who said that yes, the Dr will need to take some tests and check a few things out, but only to get a baseline. Those tests are only used to see later on how the hormones have affected me over the next few months, so they don't need to have results before they prescribe anything, they just need results before my next visit. So that means I *will* walk away with hormones on that day. I can't remember the last time I have been this excited. I think that old nursery rhyme says girls are made out of sugar and spice and everything nice, but the truth is girls are made of lots of estrogen, relatively no testosterone, and a couple of X chromosomes. I can't do the extra X, but July 12th begins setting up the other two, and two out of three aint bad.
Sarah's Shopping Spree
Despite the poor use of credit cards, I feel really good about all that shopping. I hate doing things that are stereotypically female - I am just paranoid of coming off like that because I think it will make people think I am putting on a show instead of just being me. I couldn't help myself though - shopping turned out to just be an all around good experience. I know women are 'supposed' to like shopping and clothes, but I think I got a lot more out of it than the average woman. It wasn't just shopping, I feel like I really accomplished something - I was investing in my future - I was working towards my goals - I overcame some of my fears. I sound like I am quoting some personal improvement video, but I can't deny that my weekend left me feeling very satisfied for those very reasons. Not only does it feel good to have clothes in my closet, but all that shopping left me feeling in control of my life, left me feeling confident, and best of all left me feeling like I travelled a few more steps up this crazy mountain I am climbing. I guess it sounds like a personal improvement video because I actually feel like all these little trials I go through as I learn to be a woman leave me better than I was. Without a doubt Sarah is the new improved version of Andrew.
Saturday, June 11, 2005
Family Recipe
Banaffee
1 pot Coffee
1 Banana (peeled, slightly brown spotted)
Brew a pot of coffee, wait until finished
Pour a cup of coffee, cream and sugar to your liking
Stick Banana in the pot
Drink the cup of coffee
After the cup of coffee is finished the rest of the pot will have turned into Banaffee.
Drink drink yum.
Friday, June 10, 2005
Christmas in July II
Well then today my phone rings, it is Dr Wilson's office! Guess What! I can officially start hanging decorations, because Christmas has been scheduled for July 12th, 9AM
Thursday, June 09, 2005
UFO? Angel? Who can say?
I walked out into the parking lot and the first thing I saw sort of caught me off guard. It seemed vaguely familiar, as if I had seen it before, but so long ago I couldn't remember. It was attached to my feet and spread across the pavement. It looked like a dark outline of my body that mimicked my every move. The sight of it made me stop dead in my tracks, and as soon as I had stopped moving I noticed some weird feeling on my arms. It was as if some external force was warming them up, like some kind of weird radiation was hitting them. I felt the same sensation on the back of my neck and I turned around and saw some incredibly bright thing up in the sky. It was so bright I couldn't even look at it. What was it? I don't know, but I was scared. What was happening?? The entire sky was affected too, the area around the bright thing was all blue! What happened to the sky I am used to!?? Where are the clouds and rain drops???
Well I knew I wasn't getting any answers standing there out in the open so I ran to the safety my car and drove straight home and checked the internet. What a relief! As it turns out Saskatoon was just experiencing something called a 'nice day'.
Monday, June 06, 2005
Christmas in July
Thursday, June 02, 2005
Sarah's Whining.
I have three credit cards, and as you know I have changed my name. That meant I had to call each credit card issuer to change my name on their files. In each case it was the same: I call, tell them some portion of my card number, answer a series of security questions and then we are on to the business of the call. In all cases I was given instructions of what documents they required and where to send it. Then when the card arrived I just had to activate it through the same process as before - tell them some part of the number and answer some questions.
My best experience was with MBNA mastercard when I called to find out how to change my name. The woman was very understanding and respectful. My worst experience was also with MBNA mastercard when I called to activate that replacement card. I typed in part of the number as requested, I answered the security questions, I even called from my home phone number that they have on file, yet the woman did not want to activate my card for me.
"Sir, you do not sound like a 'Sarah'. Is that a woman's name?"
I actually totally understand her dilemma. I don't sound like a Sarah. I wasn't even trying to sound feminine at all, so I definitely sounded male, and on top of that I had a bad cold and so overall I sounded like a male frog, not a 'Sarah'. I said "I know, it's weird. It is a woman's name, but it is my legal name - I just changed it, I am male to female transgendered."
Well this is where it went bad in my opinion. The above part is fine with me, she was just being safe. The next part is where I feel like she let her own opinions govern the direction of the call. I think this because if I said my name was Jacques she wouldn't say "I am sorry sir, you don't sound French." or if I said I was Timmy she wouldn't say "I am sorry sir, you sound too old to be named Timmy." what she said to me was
"I am sorry sir, that may be, but you just do not sound like a 'Sarah' I cannot process this activation."
"Why does the sound of my voice matter? My name IS Sarah, I just said I changed it. That is why you guys sent me a replacement card."
"Sir, I am sorry. Do you have any documentation you can send us to verify the name change?"
"I had to send it before you guys would issue a replacement card... are you not looking at my account information? AND STOP CALLING ME SIR!"
"...uh... I don't know what else to call you sir."
"Try ma'am or Sarah. I answered the security questions, so can you please just activate the card?"
Well she made me answer all the questions over again and added a couple more (amking a point of calling me 'sir' with every question). As it turned out I not only still knew my card number, birthdate and mother's maiden name from when she asked a few minutes before, but I also knew my address and phone number. When we were all done she said "Your card is now activated sir. Have a nice day."
I write this story down because I am frustrated, but then I take a step back and feel guilty. I feel guilty because I have it so good and I can only imagine the treatment other mtf's have had to endure. So to all you transwomen out there before me I apologize to you for being upset over something so minor. I should actually be writing a thank you to you all because it was you who started educating the world about us, it was you who by living your lives as the women you are that have made it so that my only problems so far amount to a petty woman calling me sir.