Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Future Shop Guy and Computer Games

Yesterday I went to Future Shop with a couple guys from work and the guy helping us mentioned World of Warcraft. Well that brought me into the conversation and soon he was talking about a couple of new games and I ended up buying one that he recommended. As we were leaving I was marveling at myself because this is one of the first times in this sort of setting where I was only thinking about the conversation, and not about being transgendered. It feels really good to lose that constant thought. I want to make sure I mention that this is not a new thought. I mean I am sure it might appear to some people that I would only gain this thought when appearing in public as a transsexual, but in truth even when nobody had a clue it was still the first and last thing I thought about. I honestly think the key is facing fears. It sounds cliche but it is true. As I do this more I am less and less concerned with 'passing' and 'stealth', and usually even when completely dressed male I make sure to wear some earrings or makeup because I think I am actually proud of being tg'd. In fact my lifelong fear of being identified as transgendered, the fear that caused me so much stress is actually the key to feeling better because if somebody already knows I am transgendered I have nothing left to be afraid of.

About the game I got... does anyone think there is a hormonal reason why boys are attracted to computer games more than girls? I ask because I know that game would have had me enthralled a couple years ago, but to be honest I got bored of it a few minutes after I started playing it. About the only thing to change is my hormone levels. At least as I spend more money on clothes these days I can look forward to saving money on computer games.


So about 3 months ago when I went for my first appointment with the hormones doctor I was pretty nervous and my heart was racing. The doctor checking me out wanted to get some baseline statistics from me and had to get me to lay down before he got an accurate heart rate - but it was still high. I was worried that perhaps next visit my heart rate will be even higher and might jeopardize an increase in my hormones. From previous experience I've noticed that it takes about 1 week of going to the gym and my heart rate drops significantly. So what I decided to do is go to the gym frequently and make sure my heart rate was perfect for my next appointment. Well that was three months ago and well, my next appointment is in 5 days. I went to the gym for the first time last night.

I think hearts are cool. Last night I did thirty minutes on the cross trainer and my heart rate was 190ish by the time I was done. I have done the 'first trip to the gym' several times, and I know if I go everyday for a week the same amount of exercise will only make my heart rate 150ish. I know a lot of people give up on going to the gym because they don't see results, but whether they look different or not, the results behind the scenes start fast.

Friday, October 21, 2005

Goodbye to Heather

I visited Heather this morning because I wanted to see her one last time before she left for ten months. I gave her a hug and said I had to run off to work. The truth was I could feel a massive amount of tears welling up, and I decided I should go before the dam burst, but all I wanted to do was stay there and hug her for as long as possible and cry. I'll miss her so much.

Have a good trip Nuckers, come home safe.

It's a new JJ

Last night I went for Burmese food with Heather, Mike, Cam, and Warren. I had never been before, and I have to say it was delicious. As I was sitting there eating I noticed a guy looking at me. Whenever this happens I have these conflicting thoughts in my head... if I think that he can tell I am transgendered I want him to quit staring, but if I think he can't tell, then bring it on - stare all you want. In this case it wasn't really either case because I realized this was a kid I went to highschool with, but he isn't a kid any longer. He had a widow's peak, but otherwise more hair. He had a significant amount of weight gain, and the part that surprises me about everyone I see years after highschool finished is that he looked so adult with all those lines and shapes to his face, and mass to his body. I soon found that now I was doing the staring as I thought 'Wow, has he ever changed!'

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

The Last Word!

Last year, before I talked to the counselor about my transgenderism, I decided to go look for a local support group online. I didn't find anything that fit, but I joined a Yahoo group for crossdressers. I soon found out that this is not even close to the same thing, but I was found by a guy who even though he did not share the same problem as me, he had problems of his own. We thought it would be a good idea to have each other to talk to about these personal private things.

Well, during our instant message sessions he started to be a little fixated on the idea of meeting up for sex rather than chatting online for support. I tried to postpone having to deal with that topic and after a while he just stopped talking to me altogether. He was never online, and he didn't reply to me. I was naive though, so although I recognized his interest in sex I still believed that he was 'in trouble' so I sent him a couple messages to check up on him. In return I got a huge rude email about "fatal attractioning" him, about how "this isn't going to work out", about how he has a wife and kids to think about, etc etc. I was completely taken aback because his email was written as if he was fed up with my romantic intentions towards him, yet I was not in any way interested in pursuing a relationship at all. I mean not even in the remotest of remote possiblities. After this we had a couple more emails between us where I was mostly insulted and confused, and he was mostly insulting and confusing. In the end he just left me wondering WTF was wrong with him. It is clear in hindsight, that he was just trying to exploit my need to find someone to confide in, in hopes of exploring his own attraction to transgender women.

Well then today, over a year later, this same guy finds me again and this time he is applying for access to my Transgender support site. He writes that he just found out a friend of his is gay and he wants to join the site to learn more about it. First of all - it is not a gay site. Second of all - last time we spoke HE was the gay one. Third of all - he was lying then, and he is lying now. I was able to send him a nice "Membership: DENIED" email and I told him to go looking for whatever he needs elsewhere. I felt a little guilty because part of me always believes the lies, but the rest of me knows I was lied to and so it feels good to have done what I did. I know this is one time I was able to see the truth through the lies and was able to put a stop to it going any further, for me or anyone else in the group.

I find it really easy to believe lies, especially when they are saying what I want to hear. It really hurts though when I discover the truth. After today I am beginning to think that maybe a person needs to get raked over the coals a few times before smartening up. It is as George W. Bush says, "Fool me once... shame on... shame on you. Fool me y'can't get fooled again."

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

New Pictures - Black Shirt

I took some pictures the other night before I went out:

Another Before and After

Before going out with Megan and Jen:
After going out with Megan and Jen:


Since my dad and sister died some holidays have lost their appeal and Thanksgiving was no exception. It felt really good when Nick and Jenn got married because I loved that Jenn especially had someone special, and it also meant there was one other person to share the holiday with. Even though I found Nick to be a great guy, I don't know if my heart was ever in the holidays anymore. This Thanksgiving though I just couldn't wait for it. My mom made an awesome meal, (I made the bread!), Nick and Jenn were there, and I invited my friends Heather and Mike and Megan and I am so glad they came. Heather was there for so many Thanksgivings and all sorts of holidays in the past, and having her there resurrected the feelings I used to have during Thanksgivings when everyone was present. I don't think I have ever been closer to Mom and Nick and Jenn, and although I can never replace who is gone, with Heather (who will always be a member of my family) came her husband Mike, and of course Megan is such a good friend that I had that feeling of family again. I have often wished that I could go back in time, and last night part of me did. Here's to counting the days 'til next year.

P.S. Joey: Maybe next year you will be available to come too, because you are another person I am truly thankful for.

Sunday, October 09, 2005

"Interested in what?"

Megan and Jen invited me out last night. We went to the underground again and as we were having our first drink there a guy they know named Alex came and sat with us. Well, after a little while I was feeling like I was getting a little more attention than I was used to. Soon both Megan and Jen had mentioned to me that Alex seemed a little interested. I am a little slow, so I had to ask "interested in what?" I wasn't really surprised by the answer, but yet I was feeling completely lost. I didn't know what to do with this attention. Do I ignore it? Divert it? Accept it? I had no idea, but yet I didn't find myself doing any ignoring or diverting. Well, then suddenly Alex got up. I thought he went to go buy a drink, or better yet buy me a drink, but then I saw him sitting by himself. I felt this void. I mean here I was with someone paying attention to me and suddenly nothing? So before I knew it I found I had gone over and sat with him so he could put his attention back onto me. He did.
Soon though, quicker than I expected, I was feeling like I had more attention than I knew what to do with and so I told him I was transgendered. I don't know if I told him to get rid of him, or to just warn him what he was in for, but after I said it he cocked his head to the side for a couple seconds and sort of looked like I had just hit him with a phone book or something. He let his hang for a moment like he was looking for crumbs on his shirt or something, then looked up at me smiling and said " happens. Doesn't mean you're ugly though. C'mon, let's go dance." So you know what I did? I (eventually) actually got on that dance floor and spent the rest of the night learning to 'rock out'.

Saturday, October 08, 2005

Maybe I misunderstood the directions?

I am not sure how... and my hair isnt dry yet... but it's kinda looking so far like I just dyed my hair grey.

Friday, October 07, 2005

Happy Thanksgiving!

So I am a few days early, I am already too excited about it to wait to send out greetings. I love Thanksgiving, it is my favorite holiday. To be honest I haven't a clue what I am supposed to be thankful for, but that just means I get to make up my own reason.
This year my reason is: My mom.

One of the things every TG considers is how many friends and family members will be lost upon revealing everything. The biggest fear is losing an immediate family member, but especially your mom. I know I was concerned about that. Instead though my mom has not only shown her support, but she has let me know that she is not ashamed of me, she isn't embarassed by me, and she still values me (more than she used to I think). I can tell that she believes that being transgendered is just a normal, if rare, occurence. I am sure that she has troubles dealing with things from time to time, but whatever she does to feel better she keeps from me. I have never felt like I was a problem she had to face, instead I just feel like I'm her kid.

So mom, even though you never read my blog, this Thanksgiving I am giving thanks to you.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Weekend at Brittney's

This weekend I went to visit Rebecca and Brittney. I used to work with Becky, and Brittney is Becky's 7 year old. I really like Brittney, I think she is so smart! The plan was that I would drive to their town and call them, at this time Becky would drive out to meet me and escort me to her house. I didn't bother with directions to her town though. My mom said I drive out 39 miles to some corner and turn left... and then I guess I stopped listening. I was certain I only had that one turn to make (Saskatchewan roads are very straight) and then I'd eventually run into St Gregor somewhere past Humboldt. Soon though there was another option. I came to a sign saying Humboldt was down the road to the east. Now I wasn't sure of my directions... was St Gregor somewhere past Humboldt, or somewhere past the the road to Humboldt? I decided to call Becky. Right after she picked up the cell coverage ran out and we were disconnected. Ten minutes later when I was able to call again Brittney answered and said her mom had gone out to show me how to get to her house. I said that I needed directions to St Gregor. So then she blew me away. She asked me if I had gone through Humboldt yet. I said 'No, am I supposed to?'. She said I was, I had to drive straight through Humboldt, and after that I will come to St Gregor and her mom will be waiting there for me. I was just impressed that a 7 year old was giving me directions on how to get to her town!

So yes, Brittney is smart but she tired me OUT! If I was ever upset over not being able to play with Barbies when I was a kid, I had ample opportunity to make up for it during the course of this weekend. It seemed that every second phrase from Brit's mouth was "Sarah, wanna play Barbies?" I did go play once, but it wasn't really much fun after a while.

Last year I was over visiting B&B around Christmas time, and that was when Brittney discovered I was ticklish. I was soooo hoping that she would have forgotten that! She didn't though. Normally a good course of action is to tickly back assuming that kids are more ticklish than adults. Not in this case - Brittney would laugh, but her tickling ability was not hampered at all by being tickled back. I lost EVERY tickle fight!

She said something else that impressed me. The three of us went to Dairy Queen and we were about to sit in a booth. Brittney was going to sit on my side with me, but it looked cramped in there so I stood aside so she could get in. She didn't want to get in first though. So I said for her to go sit in the corner and she said that no, I should sit in the corner. Then she gestured forward with her hand and said "ladies first". I was impressed that she not only got her way and made me sit in the corner, but she did it in a way that was also funny AND in a way that I, given my situation, just couldn't refuse.

So the weather was rainy and cold, I got kicked or kneed in the nipples way too many times for one weekend, and I didn't really spend much time with Becky at all, but I had a good time being a 7 year old's temporary-best-friend for the weekend.

Monday, October 03, 2005

Why didn't I taste it?

I am listening to internet radio right now, and "You'll Have Time" by William Shatner came on. I have never heard it before, I found it strangely amusing, and now it is stuck in my head - not the melody, but the message.