Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Nice Comment from Ben + Warning from Sarah

Ben sent me an email the other day, and I thought he said a nice thing in it and I just wanted to post it in here so I can keep it.
He wrote:

"Of all the people I know, you, my sister, and a guy named Richard are the only ones who were entertaining enough writers to produce books. I at least expected a comic book from you."

By the way Ben, I did write a comic book in grade 11, or maybe 12. It was called "Mr. Zig vs Darth Vader". It was so good that I lent it to Byron and he kept it. Soon afterwards, Byron quit bowling, grew long hair, bought a jean jacket and leather bracelets, got a super hot girlfriend and I think they rode to Mexico on Harleys or something. The moral is "be careful what you wish for" Ben, because the comics I write have mysterious powers that might just land you in Mexico with Byron.

Monday, November 28, 2005

I have never liked cake anyway...

It is pretty funny now that I think about it. I have had a LOT of blood tests in the past year, and my blood sugar was routinely high. As we'd go over the results the Dr would say "and your sugar is a little high", however on the tests I had in November they didn't mention my sugar at all. This made me feel pretty good. I had been watching how much sugar I consume, so I thought it had come down to normal levels again. Apparently the doctor was only concerned with hormone levels and left it to my family doctor to go over my sugar results. My family doc though is, unknown to me, on maternity leave so a replacement was filling in. Last week the replacement got my results and apparently requested that the medical receptionist call me in. I know how it works, they get the results and call to bring me in in the next week or so, at my leisure, whenever I have time, but soon. This receptionist was very thorough and efficient and she actually just had a cancellation so an appointment slot became available at 1:30 that day, unfortunately it was already 1:17. So when she called to say "Dr Merryweather would like you to come in and discuss your blood tests" I was already wondering who this strange doctor was, and I said "...um ok, when?" and in a clinical detached voice purposely devoid of emotion she said "Can you come in immediately?"

So here I am thinking I have 3 months to live or something, and I rush in there. I work really close, so I actually made it to the waiting room by 1:25. You know how normally even though you show up at the appointed time they make you wait for a little while longer? Well, here I am early and they actually rushed me right into a room as soon as I walked in the door. So now I am REALLY thinking I am one step away from 'CPR', the 'ER', the 'OR' or whatever R they have handy. The doctor came in, sat down, and spoke to me in a serious, quiet, and compassionate voice. She brought up my test results on the computer and told me I had diabetes. So once I found out that was all that was wrong I was like "really??? cool!"

On the bright side, I don't know if I have it that bad at all. First of all, Blue Cross is covering all my costs for diabetic equipment. Second of all, they are paying 80% of whatever medication (if any) I will be prescribed, but third and best of all is that I have been monitoring my blood and tracking the results in a log - I call this blood log a bloog (I am sure the term will catch on). From my bloog I made the above graph, and you can see two spikes indicating the two times I did a blood test after a meal. Everyone has high blood sugar after a meal. Other than those, every value is below the red line of 7.0 - which is where they diagnose you as having diabetes. So far so good.

As my good friend Little Nuckers pointed out to me, having diabetes will make me think about what I eat, it will make me make better choices. I have always known which choices were bad in what I consume, but that didn't always stop me. I have a feeling that this is one disease that will make me healthier.


Little Nuckers

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

I think I'm going to dance now.

There was a time when the thought of dancing was a nightmare to me. I'd break out in a sweat, I'd feel self-conscious, I'd look like an idiot out there. I would basically shift my weight from leg to leg as I slightly varied the positions of my feet and arms. Truthfully the only thing that could drag me out there was a girl. When I say that I don't mean that guys ever asked me to dance, I don't even just mean that a girl had to ask me, I mean she had to literally drag me. Even on a dance floor with a girl who liked me enough she had to physically force me out there I didn't have any fun of any kind.

Well, along with other things, that has changed. Now I really enjoy dancing. I am still a little shy. If nobody is dancing I sure won't be first out there, but on Friday with Megan we were the fourth and fifth people and that was fine. Megan of course, wanted to (and did) dance on the speaker. I politely declined the offer to join her though - all seventeen times - and I remained on the floor.

This is just another one of those things that amaze me about being transgendered. I often used to blame parts about me that I didn't like on being transgendered, but deep down it felt like a cop out. Now though I am amazed how many parts of my life are changing just based on the fact that I am able to be the real me. Self-image and self-esteem go hand in hand. If one is screwed up so is the other, and I can't think of a bigger way to have a screwed up self-image than if you are transgendered.

Friday, November 18, 2005

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Wonderful Weekend and More

Saturday I didn't even leave my apartment. In fact I didn't even wear anything but my pyjamas all day long. I just relaxed all day long. I had a long bath, read a new book, highlighted my hair, watched tv, read an old book, and played with my computer. I laid down to sleep that night and my mouth opened up and to say goodnight to myself. It was something I hadn't done in a long time - over a year. I know it sounds crazy, but I used to say goodnight to myself each night for years. It wasn't a very happy goodnight either. I guess it comes from some line people are supposed to say before they jump off a bridge or something, but between you and me I got it from the Flintstones. The line is "Goodbye cruel world" and I used to say "Goodnight cruel world". I know it sounds melodramatic, but part of me did wish it was goodbye. Quite a few nights I wished it was my last. Well on Saturday when I opened my mouth to say goodnight and out came the words "I love my life."

Online Dating Ratio

A while ago I signed up on Cupid.com and on Plenty of Fish, and to be honest I really don't know what to make of online dating. It isn't that I am not getting enough attention, or that the guys who talk to me are not attractive or intelligent, it is that most of them just don't really seem grounded in reality - and by this I mean that women don't just climb right out of their computer monitors and into their beds. I usually find the whole process is only about 1% entertaining, with 4% amusing and 95% frustrating. A direct correlation can be determined that in my experience 95% of guys are just looking for sex while the remaining 5% are somewhat decent.

I updated my pictures on those two sites today and recent pictures get their profiles listed first, so that means I ended up getting a lot of messages. They seemed to fit that ratio I mentioned above... but since I didn't get 100 messages yet I am still waiting for that 1 really entertaining guy to find me. As I dealt with the attention I got today I started thinking back to one guy inparticular. At the time he was definitely in the frustration section but as of today I am thinking of upgrading him to amusing because as Deanne put it, he was just acting in the true nature of the beast. How can I really fault him for that? I wrote the scene all out in an email to a couple girlfriends back when it happened, and I just wanted to put the story here in case any other women out there are considering putting a profile on a dating site:

So yesterday I am sitting here at my computer and this guy sends me amessage from this free online dating website. He is from Saskatoon,he looked good, seemed nice, so I chatted with him. We talk for a while and he is all flattery with comments like "I don't believe you were once male. You are far too feminine and pretty." So naturally I chatted further to hear what other nice things he would say about me. We end up chatting using webcams, and eventually after dozens of compliments he says that he is interested in me, and the fact that I am transgendered doesn't matter to him, in fact he finds it interesting. He asks "Are you interested in guys?"
I answer "I am curious about guys, yes."
"I am looking for someone to date and have an intimate relationship with. What are you looking for?"
So I said "I am looking to go on some dates and just sort of explore feelings and gain new experiences from the 'other side of life"'.
Then he said "new experiences like sex?"
I said that yes I was curious about sex, but that is not the reason I am on the dating site. I said I was foremost looking to go on a couple dates, and although a couple of successful dates might lead somewhere physical, I am not looking to just hook up with someone.
So then, and this is after about 45 minutes of chatting, he says "Can you give me some advice?"
I said "...ok..."
He then asked "Where canI find a girl like you in Saskatoon to go out with?"
So I said "are you joking?"
"Well, I don't know what bars to go to, know anywhere?"
"So what is this? You suddenly lose interest in me because I said I want to date a guy a couple times before it gets physical?"
"Well, I want to date too."
"So why are you suddenly moving on from me?"
"Well, I want to have a successful date."
So I tell him that I was actually sitting here waiting all this time for him to ask me out and then instead, he asks me where to find another girl! He apologizes 5 times and says he feels like an idiot, and he wasn't thinking etc. I said "It's my bedtime anyway, gnite" and I went to bed.

Then today he sends me a message again. We chat and chat. He seemed like a normal guy. He seemed smart, he was funny, it was a fun chat. Then he said "oh I shouldn't have been looking at your picture, now I am thinking about sex again sorry".
So I said something like "hey, thinking about having sex with me is fine! I like it, it is flattering. To be honest I'd be disappointed if you didn't! Maybe I gave you the wrong impression yesterday. If you think I am opposed to sex - I'm not - I just think I should go out with a guy a couple times at least before anything physical. I just think it would be nice to date first."
Then immediately he says "So what are you doing tonight?"
"Nothing, you?" I can sense it - he is going to ask me out...
"Nothing here either," I don't say anything, but I just smile into the camera. My spidey sense starts to tingle and he says, "I was thinking about going to the fireworks."
I said "that sounds like fun" and I smile into the camera again. I looked cute! Here it comes...
Then I swear he says "...but I really want to hook up with someone tonight, do you know any transgender girls who might be interested?"
"you've got to be kidding me."
He says "??"
"I honestly thought that you were about to ask me out on a date."
He says "Well, I was going to, but I don't really want to go out with a girl unless I know we are going to hook up."

So remember girls: If you are going to make an online dating profile the ratio you can expect is 95:4:1. Even the ones that seem like they are in the 1 will probably end up in the 95. It's just the nature of the beast.

P.S. It also doesn't matter what you write in your profile either - because true to the ratio, less than 5% of guys actually read it. The rest don't care what you write - they just look at your pictures.

P.P.S. If you are still going to make that online dating profile, go with www.plentyoffish.com because it is completely free.

More Pictures

New Pyjamas Pictures

Thursday, November 10, 2005

I Passed my Tests!

My doctor over at RUH gave me a call this morning with my lab results. It seems that everything is ok with my results and that is great news. I am always a little nervous giving blood samples because like any test I am worried about failing. About this time last year I actually did fail a test and came home from the Doc's with diabetes. After that I had another test and was told my sugar was high, but not quite in the diabetes range. In blood tests about 3 months ago my sugar was again high, but in the normal range, and this time no mention of sugar at all. This is good news considering I come from a family with both a father and a sister who have glycemic problems. Even better was that the doctor said he is going to up my dosage of estrogen to 2.5mg from 1.25mg. It is perfect timing because my prescription runs out in two days. I think I will just take both pills today and start the 2.5 a couple days early.

It was funny actually this morning because the doctor said something like "Hello Miss Ma*****on, I just got your blood test results this morning, and after reviewing them I..."
Well, cut back to yesterday, I was getting a little worried that I would run out of my current prescription before I got a new one so I called his office and a nurse there said that he was out and would be back later and she'd get him to call. She also added "your results have been on his desk for a week now." So haha, the old Doc tried to pull a fast one on me, but I don't care, it just adds to his personality.

P.S. Yesterday I was at 189½ and today back up to 190. Bad news though, Megan and I are going to Poverino's tonight, and I have a feeling that as well as a huge plate of pasta I will be having a few drinks as well.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Lowest Common Denominator: You know who he is

So, I was checking out the blog of someone I used to know. I was just curious about what he wrote about me. I was actually quite shocked to see that he not only wrote about me in such a rude way, but he rewrote events to put me in a terrible light. I mean, I wrote him to say that we have been friends for too long to let things come between us,and that we should talk, but the version of events on his blog is that I wrote to tell him that I was better than him. My friends tell me that I should just get it through my head that he isn't worth thinking about, but it makes me sad to lose friends - especially friends of over 25 years. As a result I have been thinking about him a lot. As I read through his blog there was this hidden theme about who was not 'better than' him from goth's to his exgirlfriend of 14 months ago. He made note to all readers that he is better than her. I got this picture in my head that it probably isn't so much his own reaction to my transgenderism that drove him away as it is that he is so concerned about how other people would react to him being friends with a transgender woman. I think he is so worried about giving anyone a reason to think that he is not better than them that he thinks it is safest for his image to take the lowest common denominator approach and make fun of me, call me names and make up stories. The common denominator approach is pretty scary because people generally do not want to stick out, so they go along with the group rather than say what they truly believe. I wonder sometimes how fast a more positive reaction would propogate if someone just spoke their mind simply because once someone has spoken up it is easier to speak up yourself. In my heart I believe that my exfriend isn't the ass he sounds like on his blog or the ass that he is when we talk to each other. I think he just has a complicated issue where he can't lose face by accepting me, but he also can't lose face by not accepting me either, so he ends up misreporting events to make me sound like I am psycho as well as transgendered. Well, I guess I am sad I lost this guy as a friend so maybe I am psycho. Just jokes - I think my only insanity lies in my gender identity, missing my friend is just normal.

Monday, November 07, 2005

Sarah and Tara: Getting Smaller!

I think I look skinny, but I just keep getting heavier and heavier. The doctors told me estrogen will pack on the pounds, and they were right. The only thing estrogen seems to help me shed is tears. Actually this is one time I am glad I am flat chested because weighing myself is one of the only benefits of detachable boobs. I just take them off and poof - instant weight loss.

Last yearish I used to weigh 225 pounds, then between August and December last year I made it down to 175. Well, now I am back up to 191 so I have to do something. I have this plan that worked out well for me in the past, so I am trying it again. I realized that I do not eat for sustenance, I eat purely for recreational reasons, and as a result I don't even ever have time to get hungry before I eat next. This means that I can eat a huge meal and then a few hours later I would be ready for another meal should the opportunity present itself. So here is my plan:
Step 1. No more big meals. They not only cost a lot more, but they stretch out my stomach making it possible to jam more food in there. (Mmm Jam).
Step 2. Shrink my stomach. I need to shrink my stomach by eating smaller and smaller portions. I have already figured out that I will eat frequently, so the idea is to make it so I get full faster and eat less and less during each meal. Just over the weekend alone I have noticed that eating smaller portions has made it so today over lunch I was very full after eating half of the meal.
Step 3. Monitor progress. Pay attention to my weight each morning before I shower (and after I pee). I know weight fluctuates, but it is neat to see if I can identify what influences the fluctuations. Obviously if I eat a turkey I'll weigh more by morning, but it is interesting to see how smaller changes compare to what I have done.
Step 4. Get a buddy. Tara is my weight loss buddy. Please note, she is already beautiful with a killer ghetto booty, but she would like to lose some weight too. Together we can help each other keep on track. You readers are my buddies too, because I am going to report on my weight from time to time, and I would hate to come back on to say I weighed more!

Weight update: November 7, 2005
Sarah: 191
Tara: 135

Friday, November 04, 2005

Never give up

Homer: There's your giraffe, little girl.
Ralph Wiggum: I'm a boy.
Homer: That's the spirit. Never give up.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Oil Changes Do Wonders.

I went to see Doctor Wilson and his crew today. I felt like a race car at a pit stop. I pulled into examination room 13 and then a stream of doctors came in and checked my fluids, pressure, and made sure I was running smoothly.

I suppose the race car analogy has to end somewhere, and for me it ended when the nurse said "could you just slip into this?" She said I could leave my pants on, and just take off my top and throw the hospital gown on. She left and 8 seconds later Doctor Wilson came in. He quickly apologized for accidentally seeing me without the gown on and he left the room. Well then a minute or two later he came back in and asked me to take it off anyway!

So how did I react when the doctor walked in unexpectedly? Well, I took that gown and clutched it in front of my chest like any woman would. "but c'mon" you are thinking, what exactly do I think I am hiding? Well, after the Doctor asked me to take the gown off he started doing some looking around, tapping, squeezing, nodding and making mmmm-hmmm's of approval. He said "Doctors measure breast size in diameter" and he pulled some rulers out of an old fashioned (and VERY worn out) doctor's bag. Well he looked at these rulers for a second and tossed back the two longer ones and kept the smallest ruler you have ever seen to measure me. I already knew that what I had was small, but was it really necessary to toss away a ten centimeter long ruler as if it was plainly overkill? I sat there thinking "I have keys longer than that ruler!" but a moment later he said that I have two breasts; 5 cm on the left, and 5½ on the right. I didn't care how big they were anymore, because most of me quit listening right after he said that I have breasts.