Wednesday, December 28, 2005

My Christmas Present to Me

I was reading about diabetes the other day and I got really scared.

Did you know that diabetes:
- is the most frequent cause of non-traumatic lower limb amputations.
- decreases average life expectancy by 15 years.
- is the leading cause of death by disease in Canada.
- is the leading cause of adult blindness.
- is the single leading cause of kidney failure.

I have always had the assumption that diabetes can be managed through diet and exercise, and I guess this is still true, but wow... Reading those statistics blew me away and left me feeling as if my stomach had caved in. I have been doing a really good job of watching my sugar just through watching what I eat, but I decided that what I really need to do is get back into exercising. I actually decided this long ago, over and over again and yet I have only gone three times all year*. I figured I needed some extra motivation. So on Boxing Day I went out and got myself a present, seen here to the right.

* I am kinda scared to go to the gym these days because I feel out of place in either the men's or women's change room. Deanne tells me the fear is worse than actually doing it, but now that I actually own a treadmill even if I am too scared to go I can still get in some exercise.
* I was reading on my ex-friend Rob's blog how he has stopped going to the gym because he saw my car there three times in a row. Like I said, I have only gone three times all year, and even though I am followed around by a swirling vortex of coincidence(tm) I find it highly unlikely he managed to show up on the same three days I was there. I find it so amusing that he lies to himself on his own blog.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Merry Christmas and a Happy Half Year!

I am really looking forward to Christmas... no, I am not just simply looking forward to it, I am actually extremely excited about it. I spent a lot on presents, I want to buy lots of decorations (and a tree to put them on) when they go on sale in a couple days, and I even want to listen to Christmas carols! I have always preferred Christmas over New Year's. I think some see New Year's as the icing on the cake, but not me. To me it just feels like if a year was a story, Christmas would be the climax, with New Year's Day as the denouement, simply getting me ready to settle back to my normal life. So maybe for that reason I am seeing Christmas as the exciting conclusion of this fairy tale that was best year of my life.

Speaking of good times - last night was a great night for me. I went out with Debbie and Rhenaiya to see a drag show at Diva's. I have to be honest, I didn't really pay attention to the show because I was mingling. I am pretty sure I talked to every person in the bar last night. I guess it is fair to say I was a little bit drunk, but even if I did have help in the courage department, the result was that I had a lot of laughs and heard a lot of stories, and I made more than my share of people smile.

I spent the night in a crowd, but I was in the middle of my own personal celebration. Sure, everyone there was celebrating already - Christmas is just around the corner, and New Year's Day isn't far behind, but I have a special day of my own coming up, and so even though nobody at Diva's knew it, they were all there to help me celebrate my six month anniversary of living as a woman.

P.S. Thanks Debbie for inviting me out!

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Santa Claus is Coming to Town!

This year the Christmas season started at 2:05, December 15!

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

"Minus F*****' Cold!"

I was just looking at the weather forecast and I saw that tonight it is going to hit -27°. When you approach the big "minus three oh" is when Heather would stop measuring temperature by in degrees Celcius and she'd just say it is "minus fuckin' cold!" It is hilarious to hear Heather swear because like me, she just can't do it and sound serious at all. Lucky for her this year she will be in places so warm and hot I'm hoping she gets to complain about the heat this January.

I normally dread the cold weather, but I just bought a new winter coat on the weekend so that changes things. It is like school when you are a kid - you don't much care to go, but if you have a backpack full of new school supplies it somehow eases the pain.

Today I woke up to hear it was -24 so I threw a jacket over my pj's and ran down to start my car before I did anything else. Then I took the sweater I was going to wear and tossed it in the dryer and left it to fluff up while I got ready for work. Not long afterwards I was fresh from a hot shower wearing a dryer-warmed sweater inside my new coat and big fluffy scarf, toque and mitts. I hopped into my hot car that had been running for 45 minutes and about halfway to work I had to roll down the window to cool off!


P.S. I still haven't heard Bruce Springsteen's "Santa Claus is Comin' to Town" yet, so the Christmas season hasn't really begun yet.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Nice Comment from Ben + Warning from Sarah

Ben sent me an email the other day, and I thought he said a nice thing in it and I just wanted to post it in here so I can keep it.
He wrote:

"Of all the people I know, you, my sister, and a guy named Richard are the only ones who were entertaining enough writers to produce books. I at least expected a comic book from you."

By the way Ben, I did write a comic book in grade 11, or maybe 12. It was called "Mr. Zig vs Darth Vader". It was so good that I lent it to Byron and he kept it. Soon afterwards, Byron quit bowling, grew long hair, bought a jean jacket and leather bracelets, got a super hot girlfriend and I think they rode to Mexico on Harleys or something. The moral is "be careful what you wish for" Ben, because the comics I write have mysterious powers that might just land you in Mexico with Byron.

Monday, November 28, 2005

I have never liked cake anyway...

It is pretty funny now that I think about it. I have had a LOT of blood tests in the past year, and my blood sugar was routinely high. As we'd go over the results the Dr would say "and your sugar is a little high", however on the tests I had in November they didn't mention my sugar at all. This made me feel pretty good. I had been watching how much sugar I consume, so I thought it had come down to normal levels again. Apparently the doctor was only concerned with hormone levels and left it to my family doctor to go over my sugar results. My family doc though is, unknown to me, on maternity leave so a replacement was filling in. Last week the replacement got my results and apparently requested that the medical receptionist call me in. I know how it works, they get the results and call to bring me in in the next week or so, at my leisure, whenever I have time, but soon. This receptionist was very thorough and efficient and she actually just had a cancellation so an appointment slot became available at 1:30 that day, unfortunately it was already 1:17. So when she called to say "Dr Merryweather would like you to come in and discuss your blood tests" I was already wondering who this strange doctor was, and I said " ok, when?" and in a clinical detached voice purposely devoid of emotion she said "Can you come in immediately?"

So here I am thinking I have 3 months to live or something, and I rush in there. I work really close, so I actually made it to the waiting room by 1:25. You know how normally even though you show up at the appointed time they make you wait for a little while longer? Well, here I am early and they actually rushed me right into a room as soon as I walked in the door. So now I am REALLY thinking I am one step away from 'CPR', the 'ER', the 'OR' or whatever R they have handy. The doctor came in, sat down, and spoke to me in a serious, quiet, and compassionate voice. She brought up my test results on the computer and told me I had diabetes. So once I found out that was all that was wrong I was like "really??? cool!"

On the bright side, I don't know if I have it that bad at all. First of all, Blue Cross is covering all my costs for diabetic equipment. Second of all, they are paying 80% of whatever medication (if any) I will be prescribed, but third and best of all is that I have been monitoring my blood and tracking the results in a log - I call this blood log a bloog (I am sure the term will catch on). From my bloog I made the above graph, and you can see two spikes indicating the two times I did a blood test after a meal. Everyone has high blood sugar after a meal. Other than those, every value is below the red line of 7.0 - which is where they diagnose you as having diabetes. So far so good.

As my good friend Little Nuckers pointed out to me, having diabetes will make me think about what I eat, it will make me make better choices. I have always known which choices were bad in what I consume, but that didn't always stop me. I have a feeling that this is one disease that will make me healthier.


Little Nuckers

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

I think I'm going to dance now.

There was a time when the thought of dancing was a nightmare to me. I'd break out in a sweat, I'd feel self-conscious, I'd look like an idiot out there. I would basically shift my weight from leg to leg as I slightly varied the positions of my feet and arms. Truthfully the only thing that could drag me out there was a girl. When I say that I don't mean that guys ever asked me to dance, I don't even just mean that a girl had to ask me, I mean she had to literally drag me. Even on a dance floor with a girl who liked me enough she had to physically force me out there I didn't have any fun of any kind.

Well, along with other things, that has changed. Now I really enjoy dancing. I am still a little shy. If nobody is dancing I sure won't be first out there, but on Friday with Megan we were the fourth and fifth people and that was fine. Megan of course, wanted to (and did) dance on the speaker. I politely declined the offer to join her though - all seventeen times - and I remained on the floor.

This is just another one of those things that amaze me about being transgendered. I often used to blame parts about me that I didn't like on being transgendered, but deep down it felt like a cop out. Now though I am amazed how many parts of my life are changing just based on the fact that I am able to be the real me. Self-image and self-esteem go hand in hand. If one is screwed up so is the other, and I can't think of a bigger way to have a screwed up self-image than if you are transgendered.

Friday, November 18, 2005

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Wonderful Weekend and More

Saturday I didn't even leave my apartment. In fact I didn't even wear anything but my pyjamas all day long. I just relaxed all day long. I had a long bath, read a new book, highlighted my hair, watched tv, read an old book, and played with my computer. I laid down to sleep that night and my mouth opened up and to say goodnight to myself. It was something I hadn't done in a long time - over a year. I know it sounds crazy, but I used to say goodnight to myself each night for years. It wasn't a very happy goodnight either. I guess it comes from some line people are supposed to say before they jump off a bridge or something, but between you and me I got it from the Flintstones. The line is "Goodbye cruel world" and I used to say "Goodnight cruel world". I know it sounds melodramatic, but part of me did wish it was goodbye. Quite a few nights I wished it was my last. Well on Saturday when I opened my mouth to say goodnight and out came the words "I love my life."

Online Dating Ratio

A while ago I signed up on and on Plenty of Fish, and to be honest I really don't know what to make of online dating. It isn't that I am not getting enough attention, or that the guys who talk to me are not attractive or intelligent, it is that most of them just don't really seem grounded in reality - and by this I mean that women don't just climb right out of their computer monitors and into their beds. I usually find the whole process is only about 1% entertaining, with 4% amusing and 95% frustrating. A direct correlation can be determined that in my experience 95% of guys are just looking for sex while the remaining 5% are somewhat decent.

I updated my pictures on those two sites today and recent pictures get their profiles listed first, so that means I ended up getting a lot of messages. They seemed to fit that ratio I mentioned above... but since I didn't get 100 messages yet I am still waiting for that 1 really entertaining guy to find me. As I dealt with the attention I got today I started thinking back to one guy inparticular. At the time he was definitely in the frustration section but as of today I am thinking of upgrading him to amusing because as Deanne put it, he was just acting in the true nature of the beast. How can I really fault him for that? I wrote the scene all out in an email to a couple girlfriends back when it happened, and I just wanted to put the story here in case any other women out there are considering putting a profile on a dating site:

So yesterday I am sitting here at my computer and this guy sends me amessage from this free online dating website. He is from Saskatoon,he looked good, seemed nice, so I chatted with him. We talk for a while and he is all flattery with comments like "I don't believe you were once male. You are far too feminine and pretty." So naturally I chatted further to hear what other nice things he would say about me. We end up chatting using webcams, and eventually after dozens of compliments he says that he is interested in me, and the fact that I am transgendered doesn't matter to him, in fact he finds it interesting. He asks "Are you interested in guys?"
I answer "I am curious about guys, yes."
"I am looking for someone to date and have an intimate relationship with. What are you looking for?"
So I said "I am looking to go on some dates and just sort of explore feelings and gain new experiences from the 'other side of life"'.
Then he said "new experiences like sex?"
I said that yes I was curious about sex, but that is not the reason I am on the dating site. I said I was foremost looking to go on a couple dates, and although a couple of successful dates might lead somewhere physical, I am not looking to just hook up with someone.
So then, and this is after about 45 minutes of chatting, he says "Can you give me some advice?"
I said "...ok..."
He then asked "Where canI find a girl like you in Saskatoon to go out with?"
So I said "are you joking?"
"Well, I don't know what bars to go to, know anywhere?"
"So what is this? You suddenly lose interest in me because I said I want to date a guy a couple times before it gets physical?"
"Well, I want to date too."
"So why are you suddenly moving on from me?"
"Well, I want to have a successful date."
So I tell him that I was actually sitting here waiting all this time for him to ask me out and then instead, he asks me where to find another girl! He apologizes 5 times and says he feels like an idiot, and he wasn't thinking etc. I said "It's my bedtime anyway, gnite" and I went to bed.

Then today he sends me a message again. We chat and chat. He seemed like a normal guy. He seemed smart, he was funny, it was a fun chat. Then he said "oh I shouldn't have been looking at your picture, now I am thinking about sex again sorry".
So I said something like "hey, thinking about having sex with me is fine! I like it, it is flattering. To be honest I'd be disappointed if you didn't! Maybe I gave you the wrong impression yesterday. If you think I am opposed to sex - I'm not - I just think I should go out with a guy a couple times at least before anything physical. I just think it would be nice to date first."
Then immediately he says "So what are you doing tonight?"
"Nothing, you?" I can sense it - he is going to ask me out...
"Nothing here either," I don't say anything, but I just smile into the camera. My spidey sense starts to tingle and he says, "I was thinking about going to the fireworks."
I said "that sounds like fun" and I smile into the camera again. I looked cute! Here it comes...
Then I swear he says "...but I really want to hook up with someone tonight, do you know any transgender girls who might be interested?"
"you've got to be kidding me."
He says "??"
"I honestly thought that you were about to ask me out on a date."
He says "Well, I was going to, but I don't really want to go out with a girl unless I know we are going to hook up."

So remember girls: If you are going to make an online dating profile the ratio you can expect is 95:4:1. Even the ones that seem like they are in the 1 will probably end up in the 95. It's just the nature of the beast.

P.S. It also doesn't matter what you write in your profile either - because true to the ratio, less than 5% of guys actually read it. The rest don't care what you write - they just look at your pictures.

P.P.S. If you are still going to make that online dating profile, go with because it is completely free.

More Pictures

New Pyjamas Pictures

Thursday, November 10, 2005

I Passed my Tests!

My doctor over at RUH gave me a call this morning with my lab results. It seems that everything is ok with my results and that is great news. I am always a little nervous giving blood samples because like any test I am worried about failing. About this time last year I actually did fail a test and came home from the Doc's with diabetes. After that I had another test and was told my sugar was high, but not quite in the diabetes range. In blood tests about 3 months ago my sugar was again high, but in the normal range, and this time no mention of sugar at all. This is good news considering I come from a family with both a father and a sister who have glycemic problems. Even better was that the doctor said he is going to up my dosage of estrogen to 2.5mg from 1.25mg. It is perfect timing because my prescription runs out in two days. I think I will just take both pills today and start the 2.5 a couple days early.

It was funny actually this morning because the doctor said something like "Hello Miss Ma*****on, I just got your blood test results this morning, and after reviewing them I..."
Well, cut back to yesterday, I was getting a little worried that I would run out of my current prescription before I got a new one so I called his office and a nurse there said that he was out and would be back later and she'd get him to call. She also added "your results have been on his desk for a week now." So haha, the old Doc tried to pull a fast one on me, but I don't care, it just adds to his personality.

P.S. Yesterday I was at 189½ and today back up to 190. Bad news though, Megan and I are going to Poverino's tonight, and I have a feeling that as well as a huge plate of pasta I will be having a few drinks as well.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Lowest Common Denominator: You know who he is

So, I was checking out the blog of someone I used to know. I was just curious about what he wrote about me. I was actually quite shocked to see that he not only wrote about me in such a rude way, but he rewrote events to put me in a terrible light. I mean, I wrote him to say that we have been friends for too long to let things come between us,and that we should talk, but the version of events on his blog is that I wrote to tell him that I was better than him. My friends tell me that I should just get it through my head that he isn't worth thinking about, but it makes me sad to lose friends - especially friends of over 25 years. As a result I have been thinking about him a lot. As I read through his blog there was this hidden theme about who was not 'better than' him from goth's to his exgirlfriend of 14 months ago. He made note to all readers that he is better than her. I got this picture in my head that it probably isn't so much his own reaction to my transgenderism that drove him away as it is that he is so concerned about how other people would react to him being friends with a transgender woman. I think he is so worried about giving anyone a reason to think that he is not better than them that he thinks it is safest for his image to take the lowest common denominator approach and make fun of me, call me names and make up stories. The common denominator approach is pretty scary because people generally do not want to stick out, so they go along with the group rather than say what they truly believe. I wonder sometimes how fast a more positive reaction would propogate if someone just spoke their mind simply because once someone has spoken up it is easier to speak up yourself. In my heart I believe that my exfriend isn't the ass he sounds like on his blog or the ass that he is when we talk to each other. I think he just has a complicated issue where he can't lose face by accepting me, but he also can't lose face by not accepting me either, so he ends up misreporting events to make me sound like I am psycho as well as transgendered. Well, I guess I am sad I lost this guy as a friend so maybe I am psycho. Just jokes - I think my only insanity lies in my gender identity, missing my friend is just normal.

Monday, November 07, 2005

Sarah and Tara: Getting Smaller!

I think I look skinny, but I just keep getting heavier and heavier. The doctors told me estrogen will pack on the pounds, and they were right. The only thing estrogen seems to help me shed is tears. Actually this is one time I am glad I am flat chested because weighing myself is one of the only benefits of detachable boobs. I just take them off and poof - instant weight loss.

Last yearish I used to weigh 225 pounds, then between August and December last year I made it down to 175. Well, now I am back up to 191 so I have to do something. I have this plan that worked out well for me in the past, so I am trying it again. I realized that I do not eat for sustenance, I eat purely for recreational reasons, and as a result I don't even ever have time to get hungry before I eat next. This means that I can eat a huge meal and then a few hours later I would be ready for another meal should the opportunity present itself. So here is my plan:
Step 1. No more big meals. They not only cost a lot more, but they stretch out my stomach making it possible to jam more food in there. (Mmm Jam).
Step 2. Shrink my stomach. I need to shrink my stomach by eating smaller and smaller portions. I have already figured out that I will eat frequently, so the idea is to make it so I get full faster and eat less and less during each meal. Just over the weekend alone I have noticed that eating smaller portions has made it so today over lunch I was very full after eating half of the meal.
Step 3. Monitor progress. Pay attention to my weight each morning before I shower (and after I pee). I know weight fluctuates, but it is neat to see if I can identify what influences the fluctuations. Obviously if I eat a turkey I'll weigh more by morning, but it is interesting to see how smaller changes compare to what I have done.
Step 4. Get a buddy. Tara is my weight loss buddy. Please note, she is already beautiful with a killer ghetto booty, but she would like to lose some weight too. Together we can help each other keep on track. You readers are my buddies too, because I am going to report on my weight from time to time, and I would hate to come back on to say I weighed more!

Weight update: November 7, 2005
Sarah: 191
Tara: 135

Friday, November 04, 2005

Never give up

Homer: There's your giraffe, little girl.
Ralph Wiggum: I'm a boy.
Homer: That's the spirit. Never give up.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Oil Changes Do Wonders.

I went to see Doctor Wilson and his crew today. I felt like a race car at a pit stop. I pulled into examination room 13 and then a stream of doctors came in and checked my fluids, pressure, and made sure I was running smoothly.

I suppose the race car analogy has to end somewhere, and for me it ended when the nurse said "could you just slip into this?" She said I could leave my pants on, and just take off my top and throw the hospital gown on. She left and 8 seconds later Doctor Wilson came in. He quickly apologized for accidentally seeing me without the gown on and he left the room. Well then a minute or two later he came back in and asked me to take it off anyway!

So how did I react when the doctor walked in unexpectedly? Well, I took that gown and clutched it in front of my chest like any woman would. "but c'mon" you are thinking, what exactly do I think I am hiding? Well, after the Doctor asked me to take the gown off he started doing some looking around, tapping, squeezing, nodding and making mmmm-hmmm's of approval. He said "Doctors measure breast size in diameter" and he pulled some rulers out of an old fashioned (and VERY worn out) doctor's bag. Well he looked at these rulers for a second and tossed back the two longer ones and kept the smallest ruler you have ever seen to measure me. I already knew that what I had was small, but was it really necessary to toss away a ten centimeter long ruler as if it was plainly overkill? I sat there thinking "I have keys longer than that ruler!" but a moment later he said that I have two breasts; 5 cm on the left, and 5½ on the right. I didn't care how big they were anymore, because most of me quit listening right after he said that I have breasts.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Future Shop Guy and Computer Games

Yesterday I went to Future Shop with a couple guys from work and the guy helping us mentioned World of Warcraft. Well that brought me into the conversation and soon he was talking about a couple of new games and I ended up buying one that he recommended. As we were leaving I was marveling at myself because this is one of the first times in this sort of setting where I was only thinking about the conversation, and not about being transgendered. It feels really good to lose that constant thought. I want to make sure I mention that this is not a new thought. I mean I am sure it might appear to some people that I would only gain this thought when appearing in public as a transsexual, but in truth even when nobody had a clue it was still the first and last thing I thought about. I honestly think the key is facing fears. It sounds cliche but it is true. As I do this more I am less and less concerned with 'passing' and 'stealth', and usually even when completely dressed male I make sure to wear some earrings or makeup because I think I am actually proud of being tg'd. In fact my lifelong fear of being identified as transgendered, the fear that caused me so much stress is actually the key to feeling better because if somebody already knows I am transgendered I have nothing left to be afraid of.

About the game I got... does anyone think there is a hormonal reason why boys are attracted to computer games more than girls? I ask because I know that game would have had me enthralled a couple years ago, but to be honest I got bored of it a few minutes after I started playing it. About the only thing to change is my hormone levels. At least as I spend more money on clothes these days I can look forward to saving money on computer games.


So about 3 months ago when I went for my first appointment with the hormones doctor I was pretty nervous and my heart was racing. The doctor checking me out wanted to get some baseline statistics from me and had to get me to lay down before he got an accurate heart rate - but it was still high. I was worried that perhaps next visit my heart rate will be even higher and might jeopardize an increase in my hormones. From previous experience I've noticed that it takes about 1 week of going to the gym and my heart rate drops significantly. So what I decided to do is go to the gym frequently and make sure my heart rate was perfect for my next appointment. Well that was three months ago and well, my next appointment is in 5 days. I went to the gym for the first time last night.

I think hearts are cool. Last night I did thirty minutes on the cross trainer and my heart rate was 190ish by the time I was done. I have done the 'first trip to the gym' several times, and I know if I go everyday for a week the same amount of exercise will only make my heart rate 150ish. I know a lot of people give up on going to the gym because they don't see results, but whether they look different or not, the results behind the scenes start fast.

Friday, October 21, 2005

Goodbye to Heather

I visited Heather this morning because I wanted to see her one last time before she left for ten months. I gave her a hug and said I had to run off to work. The truth was I could feel a massive amount of tears welling up, and I decided I should go before the dam burst, but all I wanted to do was stay there and hug her for as long as possible and cry. I'll miss her so much.

Have a good trip Nuckers, come home safe.

It's a new JJ

Last night I went for Burmese food with Heather, Mike, Cam, and Warren. I had never been before, and I have to say it was delicious. As I was sitting there eating I noticed a guy looking at me. Whenever this happens I have these conflicting thoughts in my head... if I think that he can tell I am transgendered I want him to quit staring, but if I think he can't tell, then bring it on - stare all you want. In this case it wasn't really either case because I realized this was a kid I went to highschool with, but he isn't a kid any longer. He had a widow's peak, but otherwise more hair. He had a significant amount of weight gain, and the part that surprises me about everyone I see years after highschool finished is that he looked so adult with all those lines and shapes to his face, and mass to his body. I soon found that now I was doing the staring as I thought 'Wow, has he ever changed!'

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

The Last Word!

Last year, before I talked to the counselor about my transgenderism, I decided to go look for a local support group online. I didn't find anything that fit, but I joined a Yahoo group for crossdressers. I soon found out that this is not even close to the same thing, but I was found by a guy who even though he did not share the same problem as me, he had problems of his own. We thought it would be a good idea to have each other to talk to about these personal private things.

Well, during our instant message sessions he started to be a little fixated on the idea of meeting up for sex rather than chatting online for support. I tried to postpone having to deal with that topic and after a while he just stopped talking to me altogether. He was never online, and he didn't reply to me. I was naive though, so although I recognized his interest in sex I still believed that he was 'in trouble' so I sent him a couple messages to check up on him. In return I got a huge rude email about "fatal attractioning" him, about how "this isn't going to work out", about how he has a wife and kids to think about, etc etc. I was completely taken aback because his email was written as if he was fed up with my romantic intentions towards him, yet I was not in any way interested in pursuing a relationship at all. I mean not even in the remotest of remote possiblities. After this we had a couple more emails between us where I was mostly insulted and confused, and he was mostly insulting and confusing. In the end he just left me wondering WTF was wrong with him. It is clear in hindsight, that he was just trying to exploit my need to find someone to confide in, in hopes of exploring his own attraction to transgender women.

Well then today, over a year later, this same guy finds me again and this time he is applying for access to my Transgender support site. He writes that he just found out a friend of his is gay and he wants to join the site to learn more about it. First of all - it is not a gay site. Second of all - last time we spoke HE was the gay one. Third of all - he was lying then, and he is lying now. I was able to send him a nice "Membership: DENIED" email and I told him to go looking for whatever he needs elsewhere. I felt a little guilty because part of me always believes the lies, but the rest of me knows I was lied to and so it feels good to have done what I did. I know this is one time I was able to see the truth through the lies and was able to put a stop to it going any further, for me or anyone else in the group.

I find it really easy to believe lies, especially when they are saying what I want to hear. It really hurts though when I discover the truth. After today I am beginning to think that maybe a person needs to get raked over the coals a few times before smartening up. It is as George W. Bush says, "Fool me once... shame on... shame on you. Fool me y'can't get fooled again."

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

New Pictures - Black Shirt

I took some pictures the other night before I went out:

Another Before and After

Before going out with Megan and Jen:
After going out with Megan and Jen:


Since my dad and sister died some holidays have lost their appeal and Thanksgiving was no exception. It felt really good when Nick and Jenn got married because I loved that Jenn especially had someone special, and it also meant there was one other person to share the holiday with. Even though I found Nick to be a great guy, I don't know if my heart was ever in the holidays anymore. This Thanksgiving though I just couldn't wait for it. My mom made an awesome meal, (I made the bread!), Nick and Jenn were there, and I invited my friends Heather and Mike and Megan and I am so glad they came. Heather was there for so many Thanksgivings and all sorts of holidays in the past, and having her there resurrected the feelings I used to have during Thanksgivings when everyone was present. I don't think I have ever been closer to Mom and Nick and Jenn, and although I can never replace who is gone, with Heather (who will always be a member of my family) came her husband Mike, and of course Megan is such a good friend that I had that feeling of family again. I have often wished that I could go back in time, and last night part of me did. Here's to counting the days 'til next year.

P.S. Joey: Maybe next year you will be available to come too, because you are another person I am truly thankful for.

Sunday, October 09, 2005

"Interested in what?"

Megan and Jen invited me out last night. We went to the underground again and as we were having our first drink there a guy they know named Alex came and sat with us. Well, after a little while I was feeling like I was getting a little more attention than I was used to. Soon both Megan and Jen had mentioned to me that Alex seemed a little interested. I am a little slow, so I had to ask "interested in what?" I wasn't really surprised by the answer, but yet I was feeling completely lost. I didn't know what to do with this attention. Do I ignore it? Divert it? Accept it? I had no idea, but yet I didn't find myself doing any ignoring or diverting. Well, then suddenly Alex got up. I thought he went to go buy a drink, or better yet buy me a drink, but then I saw him sitting by himself. I felt this void. I mean here I was with someone paying attention to me and suddenly nothing? So before I knew it I found I had gone over and sat with him so he could put his attention back onto me. He did.
Soon though, quicker than I expected, I was feeling like I had more attention than I knew what to do with and so I told him I was transgendered. I don't know if I told him to get rid of him, or to just warn him what he was in for, but after I said it he cocked his head to the side for a couple seconds and sort of looked like I had just hit him with a phone book or something. He let his hang for a moment like he was looking for crumbs on his shirt or something, then looked up at me smiling and said " happens. Doesn't mean you're ugly though. C'mon, let's go dance." So you know what I did? I (eventually) actually got on that dance floor and spent the rest of the night learning to 'rock out'.

Saturday, October 08, 2005

Maybe I misunderstood the directions?

I am not sure how... and my hair isnt dry yet... but it's kinda looking so far like I just dyed my hair grey.

Friday, October 07, 2005

Happy Thanksgiving!

So I am a few days early, I am already too excited about it to wait to send out greetings. I love Thanksgiving, it is my favorite holiday. To be honest I haven't a clue what I am supposed to be thankful for, but that just means I get to make up my own reason.
This year my reason is: My mom.

One of the things every TG considers is how many friends and family members will be lost upon revealing everything. The biggest fear is losing an immediate family member, but especially your mom. I know I was concerned about that. Instead though my mom has not only shown her support, but she has let me know that she is not ashamed of me, she isn't embarassed by me, and she still values me (more than she used to I think). I can tell that she believes that being transgendered is just a normal, if rare, occurence. I am sure that she has troubles dealing with things from time to time, but whatever she does to feel better she keeps from me. I have never felt like I was a problem she had to face, instead I just feel like I'm her kid.

So mom, even though you never read my blog, this Thanksgiving I am giving thanks to you.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Weekend at Brittney's

This weekend I went to visit Rebecca and Brittney. I used to work with Becky, and Brittney is Becky's 7 year old. I really like Brittney, I think she is so smart! The plan was that I would drive to their town and call them, at this time Becky would drive out to meet me and escort me to her house. I didn't bother with directions to her town though. My mom said I drive out 39 miles to some corner and turn left... and then I guess I stopped listening. I was certain I only had that one turn to make (Saskatchewan roads are very straight) and then I'd eventually run into St Gregor somewhere past Humboldt. Soon though there was another option. I came to a sign saying Humboldt was down the road to the east. Now I wasn't sure of my directions... was St Gregor somewhere past Humboldt, or somewhere past the the road to Humboldt? I decided to call Becky. Right after she picked up the cell coverage ran out and we were disconnected. Ten minutes later when I was able to call again Brittney answered and said her mom had gone out to show me how to get to her house. I said that I needed directions to St Gregor. So then she blew me away. She asked me if I had gone through Humboldt yet. I said 'No, am I supposed to?'. She said I was, I had to drive straight through Humboldt, and after that I will come to St Gregor and her mom will be waiting there for me. I was just impressed that a 7 year old was giving me directions on how to get to her town!

So yes, Brittney is smart but she tired me OUT! If I was ever upset over not being able to play with Barbies when I was a kid, I had ample opportunity to make up for it during the course of this weekend. It seemed that every second phrase from Brit's mouth was "Sarah, wanna play Barbies?" I did go play once, but it wasn't really much fun after a while.

Last year I was over visiting B&B around Christmas time, and that was when Brittney discovered I was ticklish. I was soooo hoping that she would have forgotten that! She didn't though. Normally a good course of action is to tickly back assuming that kids are more ticklish than adults. Not in this case - Brittney would laugh, but her tickling ability was not hampered at all by being tickled back. I lost EVERY tickle fight!

She said something else that impressed me. The three of us went to Dairy Queen and we were about to sit in a booth. Brittney was going to sit on my side with me, but it looked cramped in there so I stood aside so she could get in. She didn't want to get in first though. So I said for her to go sit in the corner and she said that no, I should sit in the corner. Then she gestured forward with her hand and said "ladies first". I was impressed that she not only got her way and made me sit in the corner, but she did it in a way that was also funny AND in a way that I, given my situation, just couldn't refuse.

So the weather was rainy and cold, I got kicked or kneed in the nipples way too many times for one weekend, and I didn't really spend much time with Becky at all, but I had a good time being a 7 year old's temporary-best-friend for the weekend.

Monday, October 03, 2005

Why didn't I taste it?

I am listening to internet radio right now, and "You'll Have Time" by William Shatner came on. I have never heard it before, I found it strangely amusing, and now it is stuck in my head - not the melody, but the message.

Friday, September 30, 2005

Sarah's Visit Tomorrow

I am pretty excited about tomorrow. I have a friend named Becky who lives an hour or so away. I sent her daughter Britney a birthday present the other day (a month late) and I called her to see how she liked it (I got her some Barbie clothes and a $5 bill - I have a feeling she liked the money more than the clothes!). I have always really liked Britney and the quick call turned into about an hour long conversation, and during which she asked me when I was going to come to visit. So I said I could this weekend.

Well yesterday I was talking to Becky and she was telling me that Britney is so excited I am coming. She said Brit is telling everyone that *her* friend Sarah is coming to visit :) I think it is funny because when they used to live in town here I would visit and I would spend most of my tme playing with Britney instead of visiting with Becky, but I didn't mind. Becky said that she bought Brit some treats from the store that she had been asking for for a while, and instead of eating them right away she said she was going to save them for when I was there.

I was thinking about the trip last night when I was at Wal-Mart and somehow I ended up walking out of there with a Barbie doll for Britney. I just couldn't help it.

P.S. Britney's only concern with the tg thing is that if I wear lipstick I may end up getting chapped lips.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

It's days like these...

...that you really just thank your luck that you have people like Miz, Joey, Eric, Nuckers and Deanne.

Saturday, September 17, 2005

A Week of Celebration: Day 6

Day 6:
My Birthday

Today is my 34th birthday. Joey had arranged for me to get my hair styled at Marca, so we went out there to do it. It was fun. The girl was a student as well, but seemed very good. One of the things I liked was that she talked to me - a lot. I think my favorite thing so far about any of the salon activities I have done is when I get to chat with whoever is working on me. I liked how she told me her idea of what to do with my hair and after I agreed that it sounded good she pulled her teacher over and then the two of them huddled around me examining my hair and agreeing on her course of action. The teacher would periodically come by and offer words of encouragement and I just felt happy for the girl doing my hair. If she got marked on my head afterwards, I think she got an A. Any day that my head warrants an A is a good day.

I invited a bunch of people to Diva's for that night. I had some things I wanted to do: 1) I wanted to dance, but I knew I would be chicken, which leads me to 2) I wanted to get drunk.
Well I did get drunk, and I did dance, and I had a good good time I really did. Thanks to everyone who came, and thanks to Megan for getting me home in one piece. (and sorry to Megan's friend James because when he came to pick us up I got in his car and said "Home, James!" - you know, like he was a chauffeur.)

All in all I had a good birthday. I have a lot of good friends out there. It seems lately I just really love them all even if I haven't seen them in a long time. It was great to see them, and it was a great end to the best year of my life.

Friday, September 16, 2005

A Week of Celebration: Day 5

Day 5:
The Gel Nails!

One thing I have ALWAYS wanted was long nails. Not too long mind you, but just a nice length for a computer programmer to have. When I was a kid I had these Lee Press-On Nails. They were called 'glamour' length, but I think the word 'wolverine' comes to mind. They were so long I honestly couldn't pick anything up. I am lazy enough as it is, but if I had a reason not to lift a finger to do any work I never would! Anyway, when I finally first started trying to grow them I found that once they were a millimetre or two beyond the tip of my finger they began to split down the width into layers and then pieces would fall out. Imagine a brand new, never-read newspaper laying on table. See it as a reasonably flat, reasonably thick pile of papers held together into one unit. Then reach over and tear the First Page off, then yank the Sports Section out of the middle somewhere. What you are left with is my fingernails... until today.

I actually called quite a few places but I ended up choosing Beverly Ashdown's salon for my nails. I was lucky in that she had a cancellation and I could get in earlier than other places too. I remember I asked how long it would take and when she said 'about 90 minutes' I cringed.

I was pretty scared actually. I went into the salon and saw about a dozen women, most getting nails done, an equal amount doing nails, and a couple just milling about looking at product (man women have a lot of product!) When I walked in everyone turned to look at me. I guess it is natural for people to look at who arrived, but it just made my heart beat faster when all those eyes were on me.* Soon though I was sitting at the table with Amy, and shortly after that my anxiety was replaced with pleasant conversation.

The coolest part was the paraffin wax. You dip your hands in melted wax a few times. It is the perfect warm temperature. After you take your hand out they put a plastic bag over it, then an oven mitt type of thing. They do this to both hands then your phones rings. Seriously. I had some other woman in the salon digging through my purse to get out my phone and hold it to my ear. My mom is impatient though and had already hung up.

Anyway, after a few minutes with the wax on they take the mitt off and when they peel that wax off as if it were a tight fitting glove. Next is an application of lotion and you are ready to go... the only problem is that my hands were so slippery I had the owner of the salon digging through my wallet to pull out my credit card because I couldn't get a good enough grip to get it out myself.

I have to say, I was at the salon about two hours, and I spent about $100 (I had a lot of product to buy), but I loved every minute of it. They really know how to treat you there. I think it is funny that a couple days ago the thought of a 90 minute appointment made me cringe, because my next appointment for fills will only be about 30 minutes, and I am sorta sad it won't be longer.

* Note: If you are thinking you might feel a little nervous trying something new - do NOT wear high heeled boots because that clip clop sound of the heels just adds to your feelings of conspicuousness!

Thursday, September 15, 2005

A Week of Celebration: Day 4

Day 4:
The Haircut and Style

I got up this morning earlier than I had all week, my alarm was set for 7:00am. Why so early on my day off? Well it is because I had an appointment for a haircut and style at 9:00am and I had to get ready. Yes, for some reason I felt it was necessary to get up, wash my hair, mousse it, blow dry it, and curl it all before going someplace to have someone wash my hair, cut it, mousse it, blow dry it and curl it.

I have to say that I loved getting my scalp massaged. I loved sitting there getting my hair cut and styled, and afterwards I loved my hair. It was a great time.

The Massage

I went for my very first massage today. I was a little nervous actually, but afterwards I was hooked. I mean it is easy to imagine how a massage would feel good, but it was so much deeper than that. Raylene, the registered massage therapist, found parts on my body that were sore that I didn't even know about. If that sounds a little hokey it isn't. The truth is, I just didn't remember I had been sore. She had me fill out a form where I was able to indicate areas of pain and levels of pain. I left it completely blank. I was certain I had nothing wrong that I would consider worth mentioning. Well as she was massaging I noticed that she was concentrating on this one area that hurt when she pushed on it. The location of the pain immediately reminded me of holding the phone cradled between my shoulder and ear. In fact now I could remember that this area often caused me problems. Not pain, but definitely discomfort. I told her why that part was painful now and she was then able to tell me that given that sort of posture and pain my back would likely be compensating by straining certain muscles on the other side of my back. She then moved to that area and to my surprise was more pain. I was very impressed that she was able to tell me where there would be pain, and then in fact there was pain there. The part I found most interesting though was she said that I was very tense, and after the massage I may find that I am light headed and dizzy. I thought this was a bit strange so I asked her about it. She told me that loosening the muscles increases your circulation. When the muscles are massaged the blood vessels in them are opened up, allowing more areas for blood to flow. Since you only have so much blood, it makes you feel light headed because that blood has more places to flow to and it is spread thinner. After the massage I did feel dizzy for a second or two, but after that I noticed that I felt very different than when I went in.

The Pedicure

I went to Marca for my pedicure and I wasn't very impressed. Marvel is an aesthetics school, and the pedicure was to be done by a student, but I was sure it was going to be great. I was quite excited, as I have never had a pedicure before, but I ended up waiting for 15 minutes after my appointment time before it started. While I waited I saw several pairs of students go to the pedicure room where one of each was to receive a pedicure from the other. I watched as the receivers all began soaking their feet in a cloudy white liquid. They stayed in the water quite a long time, I would say close to ten minutes, then by the time they were getting their townails looked at I was just heading in. My foot soak lasted almost 1 minute so I already knew something was wrong. When the girl was cutting my toenails, she got my skin twice - Ouch! My foot massage was about 10 seconds per foot. After she tested my nails she said I was all dry and ready to go. I stood up and she said "Finally! Now I can go on my break!" As I walked away I noticed that even though I had open toed shoes, there was a little bit of leather extending over the big toe, and I felt my toes sticking to it.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Joey on the Scooter

I drove Joey to the shop to pick up her Scooter, and then I followed her home. I have to say watching her drive it scared the crap out of me. I cringed over every bump and manhole cover she drove over. I was actually trying to make sure that nobody got inbetween us on the road because I didn't trust anyone else to stop fast enough shough she take a spill. I was realizing though that she seemed so confident. The only person who was at all considering tragedy was me because for Joey, this was something easy, something well within her grasp. I had to sit back and calm myself with the facts. Joey is smart and strong and more than capable. Once I realized that I just let myself go with it, and trusting in a loved one's abilities is much better than worrying over some remote possibility.

I shouldn't be complaining... but...

... but my nipples really hurt. Oh my god!

I have this friend Debbie who has two modes. She has 'girl mode' and 'boy mode'. I think the two modes are self-explanatory. I also have two modes, which are superficially the same as Debbie's modes in that in one mode I look more like a girl than in the other. The difference is that I feel I am always in girl mode because being a girl doesn't depend on wearing makeup and a bra. So I guess girl mode is my normal mode, but sometimes when I feel like it is time for a sleep-in or maybe it is just a nice Sunday afternoon I might end up moving into lazy mode. This means no makeup and no bra. No bra.

Well this week is the week of my birthday, and as usually I am taking it off work. Yes, it is true. I take a week off work to celebrate my birthday (and so should you all - mark it on your calendar: Sarah's BDay = Sept 17th). Since I am on a holiday, everyday is turning into a lazy day, so lazy mode shows up a lot. I live on the third floor and so when I want to leave I have to walk down all those stairs and you know what? Walking at a normal pace down the stairs, when I have no bra on, allows what little I have up front to move. Right now after two months and two days of hormones my nipples are so amazingly achy that the tiny vibration caused by walking down the stairs hurts, and hurts a lot!

For those of you out there who may be curious what is happening to me pay attention. On Augest 15th I noticed a sore nipple, and it has been sore ever since. Not only that but the other nipple joined it a couple days later. In fact the left nipple is about two days behind in everything that happens to the right nipple. Soon I noticed that the nipples were always standing at attention, and I guess it was about two weeks ago that I noticed that I was developing a mass under them.* Currently it is about the size of half a walnut from top to bottom, and about half again that distance from left to right. The mass isn't soft, but not hard either. It just feels like some extra dense tissue under the skin. It doesn't hurt if you press it, however if you get too close to the nipple and press there, well then you better hope I am not carrying anything valuable because I will likely drop it in order to punch you. From everyone I have talked to and everything I have read I know this is a normal stage in the course of breast development both for transwomen and for genetic women, however at the same time it is very uncomfortable. Showers hurt, blankets hurt, shirts hurt, and walking hurts. I noticed a crumb on my shirt and I went to brush it off and the pain was off the chart. I would rather be punched in the stomach. I remember one time I fell off my bike and the handlebars twisted underneath me. I had those bar-ends installed, you know the kind that extend outwards at right angles from the rest of the handlebars. Anyway, when the handlebars twisted they were such that the bar-ends were poking straight up, and I ended up landing on one of them dead center in the nipple and it hurt a LOT, but nowhere near as much as it hurts to brush a crumb off my nipple right now.

On the brighter side - I think they hurt less than they did a couple days ago.
On the brightest side - I'm growing breasts!

* Interestingly, this is not the first time this has happened to me. When I was in grade 6 I also had sore nipples and the mass underneath, but I seem to recall that back then my nipples were so erect that I was embarrassed to go to school because t-shirts could not hide it. Apparently the body can only metabolize so much testosterone, and somehow any excess gets turned into estrogen causing
gynecomastia . I guess since that was when puberty was showing up I just had too much testosterone (Story of my life eh?). At the time I was elated and scared because I knew this was the start to growing breasts. I soon found out though that it was only temporary. It lasted a few weeks then it went away. Well guess what? Being temporary was only temporary because they are coming back and this time here to stay.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Sarah has a problem...

There is a funeral this Saturday for Heather's grandmother. I should go because I love Heather, but I don't know if I can do it. I hate to say it but the reason I don't think I can go has nothing to do with the woman who died, instead it is because of my own family losses. It seems like just a couple months ago, but it was 8 years ago that I lost my little sister, and four years ago that I lost my dad. Since then, even a funeral on tv makes me think of them, and gets me quite upset. If I go this weekend I should be grieving for Bryar, but I know I won't. Even last year at my own grandmother's funeral I couldn't seem to think about her for more than a minute. I cried, but I cried for Laurie, I cried for Dad. I am not a religious person, yet it is so easy to imagine that my grandma's spirit moved on and could somehow see me, and somehow know what I was thinking and that would be so terrible if she knew that at her funeral I wasn't even thinking about her. I felt really guilty about that, but I still didn't grieve for her. After that I decided that I was done with funerals. I planned out exactly whose I would go to, and I left a couple slots open for people I just haven't met yet. I don't know if I am being selfish or not, but I do know I am not 'over' those two deaths, and I do know if I go to that funeral this weekend I will just end up reliving and refeeling two of the worst days of my life. I am torn between going to show love and support for Heather, or staying away to protect myself.

Monday, September 05, 2005

If you deny yourself the life you are meant for, you simply end up without a life.

A little over a year ago, if I had to tell someone what I thought the future held for me, I think I would have had two answers. I would have the public answer where I'd voice 'confident', 'well-adjusted', and 'optimistic' predictions. I would also have the private answer that only lived in my mind. I couldn't dare reveal an answer that would be so pessistic and negative. In fact, it wouldn't be a vision of a future at all. It would just be more and more of the same dreary unhappy soul-killing present, which in itself was just a repetition of my past few years anyway. It would be a prediction of existence but not living. A prediction where if my inner health changed at all it would be for the worse. A prediction that, according to more than a few of my worst thoughts, made me believe that whatever future I had would be a short one. I suppose it was this feeling of hopelessness that made me finally seek help. It turned out I needed barely anything more than to tell some people, and to have them believe in me and support me. Once I had found support, suddenly my vision of the future didn't involve anything negative, instead it let me explore that other private future. The one I have had for my entire life. You know the one I mean.It was a future that over the years I had let slip and slide away from me due to the masculinization effects of age, the pressures of society, and a reluctance to embrace change. Suddenly though, when compared to the dismal future I had imagined, this new scary and exciting future had become the only obvious path my life should take. Not long after the new future began to take shape in my mind I found that I was doing whatever I could to make it happen in my life. With plans made and goals identified I carried on living, but now that I had events to look forward to I really began to enjoy the passing of days. Each milestone just seemed so small and easy to reach compared to how I had originally imagined it playing out.

A year has gone by already, and I decided to look back on my life. It seems that for years I was holding position along a great slope. All my energy went into holding myself there and I was afraid that any minute I would slip and fall. When I was at the limit of my endurance something had to give, and it did. I used to be worried I wouldn't survive such an event, but as it turned out the difference is that I was no longer stuck at the same place I had been in for years. I was no longer fighting to maintain a position in life I wasn't suited for. I wasn't falling like I had feared, I wasn't struggling to maintain a foothold, instead I just found myself following the course my life had set for itself. My entire life I had been fighting an uphill battle and all it did was rob me of any purpose in my life other than the fight to stay where I was. As soon as I gave up that pointless struggle I found myself travelling easily on my true path. I learned you can't fight who you are, and that if you deny yourself the life you are meant for, you simply end up without a life.

One thing I have found fascinating about these pictures, is that I was getting older up until 9/2004, and ever since then I seem to be getting younger.

Ignore the mess in the background...

... but pay close attention to the cuteness in the foreground.

Sunday, September 04, 2005

New pictures...

...same old shirt.

Saturday, September 03, 2005

Don't take too many of those!

Today my mom was saying if she forgets to take her 'head pill' for a couple days she becomes loopy. I told her that I never forget to take my hormone pills, and sometimes I mistakenly take it twice in one day. To this my mom gasped, "Don't take too many of those! You'll get morning sickness!"

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Spare Birthday

September 17th is my birthday. Pretty soon I'll be 34... holy shit that's old! Thank god for my other birthday! I have two birthdays because it was a year ago today that I had my first real honest complete disclosure to someone I know explaining that I was transgendered. So one birthday indicates the day I was born, and the other let's people know what day that I truly came into this world. The day Sarah began to live. So on the seventeenth I'll be 34, but as of today I feel like I just turned 1.

Monday, August 29, 2005

Treasures Unearthed

My dad died four years ago and to be honest if I spend more than a moment or two thinking about how much I feel that loss I will be in tears, so I will try not to go into much detail. When I was a kid my dad read a lot. It made him who he was, he was quick of wit, and full of information and imagination. He wasn't the most physically active man, but if you ask me his mind ran circles around others. As he got older he read a lot less, and this was because his eyes were not as good as they used to be. He bought reading glasses for work, but as a lawyer he read a lot, and so when he got home his eyes just didn't have it in them to do any recreational reading. It was just shortly before he died he got an actual prescription for glasses, and for the first time in years I got to see him with not one, or two, but with three brand new books on his end table. It was something that made me happy. Not only did seeing him reading remind me of being a kid, but it felt like part of dad had been reborn. It was good to see, but it didn't last long. I don't think he was able to finish even one of them before he died. Of all he left behind, one of the hardest things to see was one of his books laying open and upside-down on the end table, waiting for him to pick up where he left off. Dad really did enjoy reading stories, especially science fiction - more than the average person for sure. So last night when I found a box in my closet what made it possibly the best discovery ever was that in it was two stories written by my dad. One of them it typed out, and the other is in his own handwriting. I can't bring myself to read them though. Obviously when a person dies then it is over and all you have is memories. I miss what is gone so much and it is terrible. I almost die myself for want of something to regain even a little bit of what once was. Now here I am with two stories that came from my dad sitting in a box in my closet and it is like I have this chance to once again experience his influence on me first hand. I can sit there and let him entertain me one final time but that will only last an hour and then what? If I read them I will have nothing left but memories again. I think instead I am going to save them for another few years. Last night I found a box of treasures, but I would rather have the promise of future riches, so that box is getting buried again, and someday when I really need my dad he will be there.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

In my life I have played a lot of online games, and what I have noticed is that people will say whatever they want without fear of a reprisal. It is completely anonymous right? So people would just say their worst and likely snicker over their brilliant and completely original use of the f word. (I am, of course being sarcastic - in my opinion if you want to hurt someone's feelings then come up with something specific, don't resort to variations of a word learned in elementary school).

By now I have been an online girl for longer than the internet was around, starting way back on bbs message boards, but I either presented myself as just your average girl, or *if*I revealed I was transgendered it would only be in an area that accepts transgendered people. As a result I didn't have much fear of the people I talked to being rude to me, but recently with a couple friends I have signed up on a couple internet dating sites - and I clearly stated I was transgendered on them. As a result I was worried that I'd get some reactions that would make me feel bad about myself. It turns out that people are nicer than I had imagined.

I guess it is probably people from all over that are nicer than I had imagined, but specifically I have been quite impressed with Saskatoon people I must say. I realize most of the searches I will turn up on come from the Saskatoon area, so hopefully it extends further than our little city, but I am just so very surprised at the amount of messages I have received from well-wishers. People who are not interested in me in 'that way' but still take a moment to say hi and wish me luck.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Warning! Scary Pictures!

So I took some pictures last night. I was actually just getting ready for bed and took off my shirt and wow! I was cute!
So I took some pictures....

Monday, August 15, 2005

L is for lopsided, that's good enough for me.

About two hours ago I rolled over in bed and something caught my attention. It was my nipple. While it is true that nipples typically do catch my attention, usually my own nipples don't do a thing for me. This time though I became quite fixated on it. See, when I rolled over I put a little pressure on my nippular area and it hurt. Not too much mind you, but certainly enough to be called pain, definitely not just what you would feel from just being pressed against a mattress. It hurts more now though, but I think that is because in my state of fascination I have been pushing on my nipple every couple of seconds for the last two hours. I am pretty sure it is because of the hormones. I was reading that some people see some changes in two months, so I imagine that it is possible that in perhaps one month a person may start feeling the beginnings of those changes. I think that, as of tonight, I am officially starting to grow a boob. I am hoping that eventually I will even out and get one on the other side too, but for now this is enough.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Goth Night

So on Saturday I went to a place called The Underground. It is a bi-weekly goth night at a place called Walker's downtown. I was pretty nervous heading in, but then I am nervous going into most new places. I was nervous though not so much because I was dressed as a woman in a new place, but more because I was dressed in a nice bright blue shirt, tan sandals and a denim skirt in a goth place. I didn't quite fit in with the clothes Megan and Jen where wearing or with what I imagined the people inside would be wearing. Well we went inside and I couldn't really figure out what was happening. There was a dance floor with a bunch of chairs and tables nearby. Beyond this was an area fenced off with black painted 2x4's and chicken wire. The dance floor was vacant, but the wired off area was packed. At first, before I saw the doorway between the two sections, it looked like everyone was imprisoned in a giant chicken coop.
We walked inside and I was eager to order a drink - here is the only bad part of the night. I asked for a vodka special and the woman turned around for about a minute and returned with a tiny little plastic cup with a mostly clear but slightly cloudy-white liquid. It turned out that at The Underground a vodka special is made with warm vodka, warm and flat 'Spritz Up' and in place of lime juice was some unknown ingredient that gave it that cloudy-white look. I honestly didn't know what to do. I didn't want to look like I was criticizing the place, but that drink was not only room temperature and didn't taste right, but it didn't taste good either! I was quite consumed with what strange ingredient might be inside that glass and so I decided I had to just get rid of it. I asked Megan if she knew what bottled drinks, other than beer, they served and she told me that they had Smirnoff Ice. I like those so I went up to order one. I was pretty happy when I saw it on the menu because it was under the title of "Girl Drinks". I was actually buying it because I knew it wouldn't be full of random ingredients, but part of me was pretty proud to be walking back with a girl drink.

Well so there I was with a 3/4 full drink and Megan and Jen were ready to go on the dance floor. Megan explained why there were two sections. The dance floor was open to minors, so the wired off area was to separate alcohol from the kids. So while the two of them went to dance I had to nurse my drink alone in the chicken coop. In order to watch them I moved to a different area, but there were no empty tables, so I just sat at one nearby. There was a guy at that table who amused me a little. He was sort of singing the praises of the goth culture. He was telling me that goth lets a person be free of the limitations that real life places. He mentioned my bright blue shirt and implied that while it looked nice it was too conventional. He said goth allows a person dress how they want, act how they want, do what they want etc because they no longer have to worry about how others think they should dress, act or do. He was trying to convince me that by wearing conventional clothes I was missing out on the freeing aspect that goth gives a person when they shed societal constraints. I listened politely, but I really wanted to say that if he thought wearing black clothes and black lipstick was pressing the limits of society then he should really try putting on a skirt and pink lipstick.

At the end of the night we did not take a cab home, instead we just walked to Jen's house. It was actually a really fun walk. We stopped for a bite to eat, a couple drunk-out-of-their-mind strangers came over and entertained us for a while, a carload of black guys offered to give us a ride, I tripped over a planter, an evergreen, and a crack in the sidewalk, we crossed railroad tracks and fields, we stopped to pee in the bushes, and finally we made it back to Jen's place where my energy slowly faded into a swirly sort of headache.

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Considering Marriage

My Anonymous Friend and I decided to sign up on together the other night. It was fun, she helped write my profile, and I helped write hers. Apparently My Anonymous Friend thinks I am a strong independant woman.... she must have me confused with someone else. Anyway though, I guess that night becomes the official beginning of me dating as a woman. At the time I was thinking this would be a long road, that I'd have a lot of little adventures before finally settling down and getting married. Little did I know just how quick it would be until I considered marriage.

I imagine a lot of women daydream about getting proposed to. The planning, the sincerity, the surprise, that moment between him going to his knee and actually saying the words. I can't really say I have ever had daydreams of getting proposed to, but I can still appreciate that the moment of proposal would be an awesome feeling, one to be cherished.... unless it happens on the internet over

I think I have been doing pretty well, I have had a couple hundred people look at my profile - but that I attribute to curiousity more than genuine interest. What you can do though, is after you view the profile, if you like the woman you can send her an 'eye contact' - it is just a little prewritten message to let her know you are interested. I have had a good number of those as well, and then if you REALLY like the woman you can send her a message, and I have also had a few of those. Today though, I caught the eye of Stephen. He sent me a lot of messages today and he now holds the title of the being the first man to ask me to marry him... he also has the title of the second man to ask me to marry him... and the third... fourth... fifth...

The messages are quite humorous, and even though I feel like a jerk for doing so, I am posting my two favorites here. I know that one day I will want to remember them:

I want to love you I am feeling strong feelings of love for you
would it be possible for you to maybe feel the same.
I would love to love you and marry you.
Please, consider love.
Dr. Steven Ray

I would love to marry you took one look at you and I was in love sure would love to love you.
Please, consider marriage. I am Dr. Steven Ray Anderson
I see you as so gorgeous and so awesome .
Love to marry you

It just kills me where he writes, "Please, consider love.", but the best is "Please, consider marriage. I am Dr. Steven Ray Anderson"

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Apparently I Quit My Job

So I get a lot of support calls at work. Usually they frustrate me, but today I had one that just threw me off so hard I locked up. When I finally heard words coming out of my mouth I couldn't believe what I had said. It sounds like I am building up to a story were out of pure anger I yell at a customer but this is not the case. I did lie to him though, here is what happened.

I get this call today, the caller says "Hello, is this Andrew?"
So I say "No this is Sarah."
"Oh I am sorry! I wonder if you will know how to do this, I need to...." and then he details his request. It is some POS configuration setup that I don't know. I tell him that I actually don't know how to do it, but I will find out and make sure it gets done today. I get the feeling he wants it done immediately though and he asked for Shaun.
"I am sorry Shaun is in a meeting right now, but I will get this done for you."
"... and Jesse quit right?"
"Well, I am pretty sure Andrew knows how to do this, is he around?"
And then I didn't say anything. What could I say now? I had already said that I wasn't Andrew, so I'd feel stupid admitting to it now. I paused so long that since my mouth was hanging open, my tongue started to dry out. Finally Alan said "Hello? Is Andrew around?"
".... um no, he's not."
"oh I suppose he in a meeting with Shaun?"
".... no...."
"Will he be back soon?"
".... uh.... no.... he isn't here anymore."
"He quit? "
"Did he go work with Jesse?"
".... no.... I don't know where he went." I just wanted this call to end. "I'll call you right back!"

Saturday, July 23, 2005