Wednesday, December 28, 2005
Did you know that diabetes:
- is the most frequent cause of non-traumatic lower limb amputations.
- decreases average life expectancy by 15 years.
- is the leading cause of death by disease in Canada.
- is the leading cause of adult blindness.
- is the single leading cause of kidney failure.
I have always had the assumption that diabetes can be managed through diet and exercise, and I guess this is still true, but wow... Reading those statistics blew me away and left me feeling as if my stomach had caved in. I have been doing a really good job of watching my sugar just through watching what I eat, but I decided that what I really need to do is get back into exercising. I actually decided this long ago, over and over again and yet I have only gone three times all year*. I figured I needed some extra motivation. So on Boxing Day I went out and got myself a present, seen here to the right.
* I am kinda scared to go to the gym these days because I feel out of place in either the men's or women's change room. Deanne tells me the fear is worse than actually doing it, but now that I actually own a treadmill even if I am too scared to go I can still get in some exercise.
* I was reading on my ex-friend Rob's blog how he has stopped going to the gym because he saw my car there three times in a row. Like I said, I have only gone three times all year, and even though I am followed around by a swirling vortex of coincidence(tm) I find it highly unlikely he managed to show up on the same three days I was there. I find it so amusing that he lies to himself on his own blog.
Thursday, December 22, 2005
Speaking of good times - last night was a great night for me. I went out with Debbie and Rhenaiya to see a drag show at Diva's. I have to be honest, I didn't really pay attention to the show because I was mingling. I am pretty sure I talked to every person in the bar last night. I guess it is fair to say I was a little bit drunk, but even if I did have help in the courage department, the result was that I had a lot of laughs and heard a lot of stories, and I made more than my share of people smile.
I spent the night in a crowd, but I was in the middle of my own personal celebration. Sure, everyone there was celebrating already - Christmas is just around the corner, and New Year's Day isn't far behind, but I have a special day of my own coming up, and so even though nobody at Diva's knew it, they were all there to help me celebrate my six month anniversary of living as a woman.
P.S. Thanks Debbie for inviting me out!
Thursday, December 15, 2005
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
I normally dread the cold weather, but I just bought a new winter coat on the weekend so that changes things. It is like school when you are a kid - you don't much care to go, but if you have a backpack full of new school supplies it somehow eases the pain.
Today I woke up to hear it was -24 so I threw a jacket over my pj's and ran down to start my car before I did anything else. Then I took the sweater I was going to wear and tossed it in the dryer and left it to fluff up while I got ready for work. Not long afterwards I was fresh from a hot shower wearing a dryer-warmed sweater inside my new coat and big fluffy scarf, toque and mitts. I hopped into my hot car that had been running for 45 minutes and about halfway to work I had to roll down the window to cool off!
P.S. I still haven't heard Bruce Springsteen's "Santa Claus is Comin' to Town" yet, so the Christmas season hasn't really begun yet.
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
"Of all the people I know, you, my sister, and a guy named Richard are the only ones who were entertaining enough writers to produce books. I at least expected a comic book from you."
By the way Ben, I did write a comic book in grade 11, or maybe 12. It was called "Mr. Zig vs Darth Vader". It was so good that I lent it to Byron and he kept it. Soon afterwards, Byron quit bowling, grew long hair, bought a jean jacket and leather bracelets, got a super hot girlfriend and I think they rode to Mexico on Harleys or something. The moral is "be careful what you wish for" Ben, because the comics I write have mysterious powers that might just land you in Mexico with Byron.
Monday, November 28, 2005
So here I am thinking I have 3 months to live or something, and I rush in there. I work really close, so I actually made it to the waiting room by 1:25. You know how normally even though you show up at the appointed time they make you wait for a little while longer? Well, here I am early and they actually rushed me right into a room as soon as I walked in the door. So now I am REALLY thinking I am one step away from 'CPR', the 'ER', the 'OR' or whatever R they have handy. The doctor came in, sat down, and spoke to me in a serious, quiet, and compassionate voice. She brought up my test results on the computer and told me I had diabetes. So once I found out that was all that was wrong I was like "really??? cool!"
On the bright side, I don't know if I have it that bad at all. First of all, Blue Cross is covering all my costs for diabetic equipment. Second of all, they are paying 80% of whatever medication (if any) I will be prescribed, but third and best of all is that I have been monitoring my blood and tracking the results in a log - I call this blood log a bloog (I am sure the term will catch on). From my bloog I made the above graph, and you can see two spikes indicating the two times I did a blood test after a meal. Everyone has high blood sugar after a meal. Other than those, every value is below the red line of 7.0 - which is where they diagnose you as having diabetes. So far so good.
As my good friend Little Nuckers pointed out to me, having diabetes will make me think about what I eat, it will make me make better choices. I have always known which choices were bad in what I consume, but that didn't always stop me. I have a feeling that this is one disease that will make me healthier.
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
Well, along with other things, that has changed. Now I really enjoy dancing. I am still a little shy. If nobody is dancing I sure won't be first out there, but on Friday with Megan we were the fourth and fifth people and that was fine. Megan of course, wanted to (and did) dance on the speaker. I politely declined the offer to join her though - all seventeen times - and I remained on the floor.
This is just another one of those things that amaze me about being transgendered. I often used to blame parts about me that I didn't like on being transgendered, but deep down it felt like a cop out. Now though I am amazed how many parts of my life are changing just based on the fact that I am able to be the real me. Self-image and self-esteem go hand in hand. If one is screwed up so is the other, and I can't think of a bigger way to have a screwed up self-image than if you are transgendered.
Sunday, November 13, 2005
I updated my pictures on those two sites today and recent pictures get their profiles listed first, so that means I ended up getting a lot of messages. They seemed to fit that ratio I mentioned above... but since I didn't get 100 messages yet I am still waiting for that 1 really entertaining guy to find me. As I dealt with the attention I got today I started thinking back to one guy inparticular. At the time he was definitely in the frustration section but as of today I am thinking of upgrading him to amusing because as Deanne put it, he was just acting in the true nature of the beast. How can I really fault him for that? I wrote the scene all out in an email to a couple girlfriends back when it happened, and I just wanted to put the story here in case any other women out there are considering putting a profile on a dating site:
So yesterday I am sitting here at my computer and this guy sends me amessage from this free online dating website. He is from Saskatoon,he looked good, seemed nice, so I chatted with him. We talk for a while and he is all flattery with comments like "I don't believe you were once male. You are far too feminine and pretty." So naturally I chatted further to hear what other nice things he would say about me. We end up chatting using webcams, and eventually after dozens of compliments he says that he is interested in me, and the fact that I am transgendered doesn't matter to him, in fact he finds it interesting. He asks "Are you interested in guys?"
I answer "I am curious about guys, yes."
"I am looking for someone to date and have an intimate relationship with. What are you looking for?"
So I said "I am looking to go on some dates and just sort of explore feelings and gain new experiences from the 'other side of life"'.
Then he said "new experiences like sex?"
I said that yes I was curious about sex, but that is not the reason I am on the dating site. I said I was foremost looking to go on a couple dates, and although a couple of successful dates might lead somewhere physical, I am not looking to just hook up with someone.
So then, and this is after about 45 minutes of chatting, he says "Can you give me some advice?"
I said "...ok..."
He then asked "Where canI find a girl like you in Saskatoon to go out with?"
So I said "are you joking?"
"Well, I don't know what bars to go to, know anywhere?"
"So what is this? You suddenly lose interest in me because I said I want to date a guy a couple times before it gets physical?"
"Well, I want to date too."
"So why are you suddenly moving on from me?"
"Well, I want to have a successful date."
So I tell him that I was actually sitting here waiting all this time for him to ask me out and then instead, he asks me where to find another girl! He apologizes 5 times and says he feels like an idiot, and he wasn't thinking etc. I said "It's my bedtime anyway, gnite" and I went to bed.
Then today he sends me a message again. We chat and chat. He seemed like a normal guy. He seemed smart, he was funny, it was a fun chat. Then he said "oh I shouldn't have been looking at your picture, now I am thinking about sex again sorry".
So I said something like "hey, thinking about having sex with me is fine! I like it, it is flattering. To be honest I'd be disappointed if you didn't! Maybe I gave you the wrong impression yesterday. If you think I am opposed to sex - I'm not - I just think I should go out with a guy a couple times at least before anything physical. I just think it would be nice to date first."
Then immediately he says "So what are you doing tonight?"
"Nothing, you?" I can sense it - he is going to ask me out...
"Nothing here either," I don't say anything, but I just smile into the camera. My spidey sense starts to tingle and he says, "I was thinking about going to the fireworks."
I said "that sounds like fun" and I smile into the camera again. I looked cute! Here it comes...
Then I swear he says "...but I really want to hook up with someone tonight, do you know any transgender girls who might be interested?"
"you've got to be kidding me."
He says "??"
"I honestly thought that you were about to ask me out on a date."
He says "Well, I was going to, but I don't really want to go out with a girl unless I know we are going to hook up."
So remember girls: If you are going to make an online dating profile the ratio you can expect is 95:4:1. Even the ones that seem like they are in the 1 will probably end up in the 95. It's just the nature of the beast.
P.S. It also doesn't matter what you write in your profile either - because true to the ratio, less than 5% of guys actually read it. The rest don't care what you write - they just look at your pictures.
P.P.S. If you are still going to make that online dating profile, go with www.plentyoffish.com because it is completely free.
Thursday, November 10, 2005
It was funny actually this morning because the doctor said something like "Hello Miss Ma*****on, I just got your blood test results this morning, and after reviewing them I..."
Well, cut back to yesterday, I was getting a little worried that I would run out of my current prescription before I got a new one so I called his office and a nurse there said that he was out and would be back later and she'd get him to call. She also added "your results have been on his desk for a week now." So haha, the old Doc tried to pull a fast one on me, but I don't care, it just adds to his personality.
P.S. Yesterday I was at 189½ and today back up to 190. Bad news though, Megan and I are going to Poverino's tonight, and I have a feeling that as well as a huge plate of pasta I will be having a few drinks as well.
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
Monday, November 07, 2005
Last yearish I used to weigh 225 pounds, then between August and December last year I made it down to 175. Well, now I am back up to 191 so I have to do something. I have this plan that worked out well for me in the past, so I am trying it again. I realized that I do not eat for sustenance, I eat purely for recreational reasons, and as a result I don't even ever have time to get hungry before I eat next. This means that I can eat a huge meal and then a few hours later I would be ready for another meal should the opportunity present itself. So here is my plan:
Step 1. No more big meals. They not only cost a lot more, but they stretch out my stomach making it possible to jam more food in there. (Mmm Jam).
Step 2. Shrink my stomach. I need to shrink my stomach by eating smaller and smaller portions. I have already figured out that I will eat frequently, so the idea is to make it so I get full faster and eat less and less during each meal. Just over the weekend alone I have noticed that eating smaller portions has made it so today over lunch I was very full after eating half of the meal.
Step 3. Monitor progress. Pay attention to my weight each morning before I shower (and after I pee). I know weight fluctuates, but it is neat to see if I can identify what influences the fluctuations. Obviously if I eat a turkey I'll weigh more by morning, but it is interesting to see how smaller changes compare to what I have done.
Step 4. Get a buddy. Tara is my weight loss buddy. Please note, she is already beautiful with a killer ghetto booty, but she would like to lose some weight too. Together we can help each other keep on track. You readers are my buddies too, because I am going to report on my weight from time to time, and I would hate to come back on to say I weighed more!
Weight update: November 7, 2005
Friday, November 04, 2005
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
I suppose the race car analogy has to end somewhere, and for me it ended when the nurse said "could you just slip into this?" She said I could leave my pants on, and just take off my top and throw the hospital gown on. She left and 8 seconds later Doctor Wilson came in. He quickly apologized for accidentally seeing me without the gown on and he left the room. Well then a minute or two later he came back in and asked me to take it off anyway!
So how did I react when the doctor walked in unexpectedly? Well, I took that gown and clutched it in front of my chest like any woman would. "but c'mon" you are thinking, what exactly do I think I am hiding? Well, after the Doctor asked me to take the gown off he started doing some looking around, tapping, squeezing, nodding and making mmmm-hmmm's of approval. He said "Doctors measure breast size in diameter" and he pulled some rulers out of an old fashioned (and VERY worn out) doctor's bag. Well he looked at these rulers for a second and tossed back the two longer ones and kept the smallest ruler you have ever seen to measure me. I already knew that what I had was small, but was it really necessary to toss away a ten centimeter long ruler as if it was plainly overkill? I sat there thinking "I have keys longer than that ruler!" but a moment later he said that I have two breasts; 5 cm on the left, and 5½ on the right. I didn't care how big they were anymore, because most of me quit listening right after he said that I have breasts.
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
About the game I got... does anyone think there is a hormonal reason why boys are attracted to computer games more than girls? I ask because I know that game would have had me enthralled a couple years ago, but to be honest I got bored of it a few minutes after I started playing it. About the only thing to change is my hormone levels. At least as I spend more money on clothes these days I can look forward to saving money on computer games.
I think hearts are cool. Last night I did thirty minutes on the cross trainer and my heart rate was 190ish by the time I was done. I have done the 'first trip to the gym' several times, and I know if I go everyday for a week the same amount of exercise will only make my heart rate 150ish. I know a lot of people give up on going to the gym because they don't see results, but whether they look different or not, the results behind the scenes start fast.
Friday, October 21, 2005
Have a good trip Nuckers, come home safe.
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
Well, during our instant message sessions he started to be a little fixated on the idea of meeting up for sex rather than chatting online for support. I tried to postpone having to deal with that topic and after a while he just stopped talking to me altogether. He was never online, and he didn't reply to me. I was naive though, so although I recognized his interest in sex I still believed that he was 'in trouble' so I sent him a couple messages to check up on him. In return I got a huge rude email about "fatal attractioning" him, about how "this isn't going to work out", about how he has a wife and kids to think about, etc etc. I was completely taken aback because his email was written as if he was fed up with my romantic intentions towards him, yet I was not in any way interested in pursuing a relationship at all. I mean not even in the remotest of remote possiblities. After this we had a couple more emails between us where I was mostly insulted and confused, and he was mostly insulting and confusing. In the end he just left me wondering WTF was wrong with him. It is clear in hindsight, that he was just trying to exploit my need to find someone to confide in, in hopes of exploring his own attraction to transgender women.
Well then today, over a year later, this same guy finds me again and this time he is applying for access to my Transgender support site. He writes that he just found out a friend of his is gay and he wants to join the site to learn more about it. First of all - it is not a gay site. Second of all - last time we spoke HE was the gay one. Third of all - he was lying then, and he is lying now. I was able to send him a nice "Membership: DENIED" email and I told him to go looking for whatever he needs elsewhere. I felt a little guilty because part of me always believes the lies, but the rest of me knows I was lied to and so it feels good to have done what I did. I know this is one time I was able to see the truth through the lies and was able to put a stop to it going any further, for me or anyone else in the group.
I find it really easy to believe lies, especially when they are saying what I want to hear. It really hurts though when I discover the truth. After today I am beginning to think that maybe a person needs to get raked over the coals a few times before smartening up. It is as George W. Bush says, "Fool me once... shame on... shame on you. Fool me y'can't get fooled again."
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
P.S. Joey: Maybe next year you will be available to come too, because you are another person I am truly thankful for.
Sunday, October 09, 2005
Soon though, quicker than I expected, I was feeling like I had more attention than I knew what to do with and so I told him I was transgendered. I don't know if I told him to get rid of him, or to just warn him what he was in for, but after I said it he cocked his head to the side for a couple seconds and sort of looked like I had just hit him with a phone book or something. He let his hang for a moment like he was looking for crumbs on his shirt or something, then looked up at me smiling and said "...it happens. Doesn't mean you're ugly though. C'mon, let's go dance." So you know what I did? I (eventually) actually got on that dance floor and spent the rest of the night learning to 'rock out'.
Saturday, October 08, 2005
Friday, October 07, 2005
This year my reason is: My mom.
One of the things every TG considers is how many friends and family members will be lost upon revealing everything. The biggest fear is losing an immediate family member, but especially your mom. I know I was concerned about that. Instead though my mom has not only shown her support, but she has let me know that she is not ashamed of me, she isn't embarassed by me, and she still values me (more than she used to I think). I can tell that she believes that being transgendered is just a normal, if rare, occurence. I am sure that she has troubles dealing with things from time to time, but whatever she does to feel better she keeps from me. I have never felt like I was a problem she had to face, instead I just feel like I'm her kid.
So mom, even though you never read my blog, this Thanksgiving I am giving thanks to you.
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
So yes, Brittney is smart but she tired me OUT! If I was ever upset over not being able to play with Barbies when I was a kid, I had ample opportunity to make up for it during the course of this weekend. It seemed that every second phrase from Brit's mouth was "Sarah, wanna play Barbies?" I did go play once, but it wasn't really much fun after a while.
Last year I was over visiting B&B around Christmas time, and that was when Brittney discovered I was ticklish. I was soooo hoping that she would have forgotten that! She didn't though. Normally a good course of action is to tickly back assuming that kids are more ticklish than adults. Not in this case - Brittney would laugh, but her tickling ability was not hampered at all by being tickled back. I lost EVERY tickle fight!
She said something else that impressed me. The three of us went to Dairy Queen and we were about to sit in a booth. Brittney was going to sit on my side with me, but it looked cramped in there so I stood aside so she could get in. She didn't want to get in first though. So I said for her to go sit in the corner and she said that no, I should sit in the corner. Then she gestured forward with her hand and said "ladies first". I was impressed that she not only got her way and made me sit in the corner, but she did it in a way that was also funny AND in a way that I, given my situation, just couldn't refuse.
So the weather was rainy and cold, I got kicked or kneed in the nipples way too many times for one weekend, and I didn't really spend much time with Becky at all, but I had a good time being a 7 year old's temporary-best-friend for the weekend.
Monday, October 03, 2005
Friday, September 30, 2005
Well yesterday I was talking to Becky and she was telling me that Britney is so excited I am coming. She said Brit is telling everyone that *her* friend Sarah is coming to visit :) I think it is funny because when they used to live in town here I would visit and I would spend most of my tme playing with Britney instead of visiting with Becky, but I didn't mind. Becky said that she bought Brit some treats from the store that she had been asking for for a while, and instead of eating them right away she said she was going to save them for when I was there.
I was thinking about the trip last night when I was at Wal-Mart and somehow I ended up walking out of there with a Barbie doll for Britney. I just couldn't help it.
P.S. Britney's only concern with the tg thing is that if I wear lipstick I may end up getting chapped lips.
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
Saturday, September 17, 2005
Today is my 34th birthday. Joey had arranged for me to get my hair styled at Marca, so we went out there to do it. It was fun. The girl was a student as well, but seemed very good. One of the things I liked was that she talked to me - a lot. I think my favorite thing so far about any of the salon activities I have done is when I get to chat with whoever is working on me. I liked how she told me her idea of what to do with my hair and after I agreed that it sounded good she pulled her teacher over and then the two of them huddled around me examining my hair and agreeing on her course of action. The teacher would periodically come by and offer words of encouragement and I just felt happy for the girl doing my hair. If she got marked on my head afterwards, I think she got an A. Any day that my head warrants an A is a good day.
I invited a bunch of people to Diva's for that night. I had some things I wanted to do: 1) I wanted to dance, but I knew I would be chicken, which leads me to 2) I wanted to get drunk.
Well I did get drunk, and I did dance, and I had a good good time I really did. Thanks to everyone who came, and thanks to Megan for getting me home in one piece. (and sorry to Megan's friend James because when he came to pick us up I got in his car and said "Home, James!" - you know, like he was a chauffeur.)
All in all I had a good birthday. I have a lot of good friends out there. It seems lately I just really love them all even if I haven't seen them in a long time. It was great to see them, and it was a great end to the best year of my life.
Friday, September 16, 2005
The Gel Nails!
One thing I have ALWAYS wanted was long nails. Not too long mind you, but just a nice length for a computer programmer to have. When I was a kid I had these Lee Press-On Nails. They were called 'glamour' length, but I think the word 'wolverine' comes to mind. They were so long I honestly couldn't pick anything up. I am lazy enough as it is, but if I had a reason not to lift a finger to do any work I never would! Anyway, when I finally first started trying to grow them I found that once they were a millimetre or two beyond the tip of my finger they began to split down the width into layers and then pieces would fall out. Imagine a brand new, never-read newspaper laying on table. See it as a reasonably flat, reasonably thick pile of papers held together into one unit. Then reach over and tear the First Page off, then yank the Sports Section out of the middle somewhere. What you are left with is my fingernails... until today.
I actually called quite a few places but I ended up choosing Beverly Ashdown's salon for my nails. I was lucky in that she had a cancellation and I could get in earlier than other places too. I remember I asked how long it would take and when she said 'about 90 minutes' I cringed.
I was pretty scared actually. I went into the salon and saw about a dozen women, most getting nails done, an equal amount doing nails, and a couple just milling about looking at product (man women have a lot of product!) When I walked in everyone turned to look at me. I guess it is natural for people to look at who arrived, but it just made my heart beat faster when all those eyes were on me.* Soon though I was sitting at the table with Amy, and shortly after that my anxiety was replaced with pleasant conversation.
The coolest part was the paraffin wax. You dip your hands in melted wax a few times. It is the perfect warm temperature. After you take your hand out they put a plastic bag over it, then an oven mitt type of thing. They do this to both hands then your phones rings. Seriously. I had some other woman in the salon digging through my purse to get out my phone and hold it to my ear. My mom is impatient though and had already hung up.
Anyway, after a few minutes with the wax on they take the mitt off and when they peel that wax off as if it were a tight fitting glove. Next is an application of lotion and you are ready to go... the only problem is that my hands were so slippery I had the owner of the salon digging through my wallet to pull out my credit card because I couldn't get a good enough grip to get it out myself.
I have to say, I was at the salon about two hours, and I spent about $100 (I had a lot of product to buy), but I loved every minute of it. They really know how to treat you there. I think it is funny that a couple days ago the thought of a 90 minute appointment made me cringe, because my next appointment for fills will only be about 30 minutes, and I am sorta sad it won't be longer.
* Note: If you are thinking you might feel a little nervous trying something new - do NOT wear high heeled boots because that clip clop sound of the heels just adds to your feelings of conspicuousness!
Thursday, September 15, 2005
The Haircut and Style
I got up this morning earlier than I had all week, my alarm was set for 7:00am. Why so early on my day off? Well it is because I had an appointment for a haircut and style at 9:00am and I had to get ready. Yes, for some reason I felt it was necessary to get up, wash my hair, mousse it, blow dry it, and curl it all before going someplace to have someone wash my hair, cut it, mousse it, blow dry it and curl it.
I have to say that I loved getting my scalp massaged. I loved sitting there getting my hair cut and styled, and afterwards I loved my hair. It was a great time.
I went for my very first massage today. I was a little nervous actually, but afterwards I was hooked. I mean it is easy to imagine how a massage would feel good, but it was so much deeper than that. Raylene, the registered massage therapist, found parts on my body that were sore that I didn't even know about. If that sounds a little hokey it isn't. The truth is, I just didn't remember I had been sore. She had me fill out a form where I was able to indicate areas of pain and levels of pain. I left it completely blank. I was certain I had nothing wrong that I would consider worth mentioning. Well as she was massaging I noticed that she was concentrating on this one area that hurt when she pushed on it. The location of the pain immediately reminded me of holding the phone cradled between my shoulder and ear. In fact now I could remember that this area often caused me problems. Not pain, but definitely discomfort. I told her why that part was painful now and she was then able to tell me that given that sort of posture and pain my back would likely be compensating by straining certain muscles on the other side of my back. She then moved to that area and to my surprise was more pain. I was very impressed that she was able to tell me where there would be pain, and then in fact there was pain there. The part I found most interesting though was she said that I was very tense, and after the massage I may find that I am light headed and dizzy. I thought this was a bit strange so I asked her about it. She told me that loosening the muscles increases your circulation. When the muscles are massaged the blood vessels in them are opened up, allowing more areas for blood to flow. Since you only have so much blood, it makes you feel light headed because that blood has more places to flow to and it is spread thinner. After the massage I did feel dizzy for a second or two, but after that I noticed that I felt very different than when I went in.
I went to Marca for my pedicure and I wasn't very impressed. Marvel is an aesthetics school, and the pedicure was to be done by a student, but I was sure it was going to be great. I was quite excited, as I have never had a pedicure before, but I ended up waiting for 15 minutes after my appointment time before it started. While I waited I saw several pairs of students go to the pedicure room where one of each was to receive a pedicure from the other. I watched as the receivers all began soaking their feet in a cloudy white liquid. They stayed in the water quite a long time, I would say close to ten minutes, then by the time they were getting their townails looked at I was just heading in. My foot soak lasted almost 1 minute so I already knew something was wrong. When the girl was cutting my toenails, she got my skin twice - Ouch! My foot massage was about 10 seconds per foot. After she tested my nails she said I was all dry and ready to go. I stood up and she said "Finally! Now I can go on my break!" As I walked away I noticed that even though I had open toed shoes, there was a little bit of leather extending over the big toe, and I felt my toes sticking to it.
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
I have this friend Debbie who has two modes. She has 'girl mode' and 'boy mode'. I think the two modes are self-explanatory. I also have two modes, which are superficially the same as Debbie's modes in that in one mode I look more like a girl than in the other. The difference is that I feel I am always in girl mode because being a girl doesn't depend on wearing makeup and a bra. So I guess girl mode is my normal mode, but sometimes when I feel like it is time for a sleep-in or maybe it is just a nice Sunday afternoon I might end up moving into lazy mode. This means no makeup and no bra. No bra.
Well this week is the week of my birthday, and as usually I am taking it off work. Yes, it is true. I take a week off work to celebrate my birthday (and so should you all - mark it on your calendar: Sarah's BDay = Sept 17th). Since I am on a holiday, everyday is turning into a lazy day, so lazy mode shows up a lot. I live on the third floor and so when I want to leave I have to walk down all those stairs and you know what? Walking at a normal pace down the stairs, when I have no bra on, allows what little I have up front to move. Right now after two months and two days of hormones my nipples are so amazingly achy that the tiny vibration caused by walking down the stairs hurts, and hurts a lot!
For those of you out there who may be curious what is happening to me pay attention. On Augest 15th I noticed a sore nipple, and it has been sore ever since. Not only that but the other nipple joined it a couple days later. In fact the left nipple is about two days behind in everything that happens to the right nipple. Soon I noticed that the nipples were always standing at attention, and I guess it was about two weeks ago that I noticed that I was developing a mass under them.* Currently it is about the size of half a walnut from top to bottom, and about half again that distance from left to right. The mass isn't soft, but not hard either. It just feels like some extra dense tissue under the skin. It doesn't hurt if you press it, however if you get too close to the nipple and press there, well then you better hope I am not carrying anything valuable because I will likely drop it in order to punch you. From everyone I have talked to and everything I have read I know this is a normal stage in the course of breast development both for transwomen and for genetic women, however at the same time it is very uncomfortable. Showers hurt, blankets hurt, shirts hurt, and walking hurts. I noticed a crumb on my shirt and I went to brush it off and the pain was off the chart. I would rather be punched in the stomach. I remember one time I fell off my bike and the handlebars twisted underneath me. I had those bar-ends installed, you know the kind that extend outwards at right angles from the rest of the handlebars. Anyway, when the handlebars twisted they were such that the bar-ends were poking straight up, and I ended up landing on one of them dead center in the nipple and it hurt a LOT, but nowhere near as much as it hurts to brush a crumb off my nipple right now.
On the brighter side - I think they hurt less than they did a couple days ago.
On the brightest side - I'm growing breasts!
* Interestingly, this is not the first time this has happened to me. When I was in grade 6 I also had sore nipples and the mass underneath, but I seem to recall that back then my nipples were so erect that I was embarrassed to go to school because t-shirts could not hide it. Apparently the body can only metabolize so much testosterone, and somehow any excess gets turned into estrogen causing gynecomastia . I guess since that was when puberty was showing up I just had too much testosterone (Story of my life eh?). At the time I was elated and scared because I knew this was the start to growing breasts. I soon found out though that it was only temporary. It lasted a few weeks then it went away. Well guess what? Being temporary was only temporary because they are coming back and this time here to stay.
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
Monday, September 05, 2005
A little over a year ago, if I had to tell someone what I thought the future held for me, I think I would have had two answers. I would have the public answer where I'd voice 'confident', 'well-adjusted', and 'optimistic' predictions. I would also have the private answer that only lived in my mind. I couldn't dare reveal an answer that would be so pessistic and negative. In fact, it wouldn't be a vision of a future at all. It would just be more and more of the same dreary unhappy soul-killing present, which in itself was just a repetition of my past few years anyway. It would be a prediction of existence but not living. A prediction where if my inner health changed at all it would be for the worse. A prediction that, according to more than a few of my worst thoughts, made me believe that whatever future I had would be a short one. I suppose it was this feeling of hopelessness that made me finally seek help. It turned out I needed barely anything more than to tell some people, and to have them believe in me and support me. Once I had found support, suddenly my vision of the future didn't involve anything negative, instead it let me explore that other private future. The one I have had for my entire life. You know the one I mean.It was a future that over the years I had let slip and slide away from me due to the masculinization effects of age, the pressures of society, and a reluctance to embrace change. Suddenly though, when compared to the dismal future I had imagined, this new scary and exciting future had become the only obvious path my life should take. Not long after the new future began to take shape in my mind I found that I was doing whatever I could to make it happen in my life. With plans made and goals identified I carried on living, but now that I had events to look forward to I really began to enjoy the passing of days. Each milestone just seemed so small and easy to reach compared to how I had originally imagined it playing out.
A year has gone by already, and I decided to look back on my life. It seems that for years I was holding position along a great slope. All my energy went into holding myself there and I was afraid that any minute I would slip and fall. When I was at the limit of my endurance something had to give, and it did. I used to be worried I wouldn't survive such an event, but as it turned out the difference is that I was no longer stuck at the same place I had been in for years. I was no longer fighting to maintain a position in life I wasn't suited for. I wasn't falling like I had feared, I wasn't struggling to maintain a foothold, instead I just found myself following the course my life had set for itself. My entire life I had been fighting an uphill battle and all it did was rob me of any purpose in my life other than the fight to stay where I was. As soon as I gave up that pointless struggle I found myself travelling easily on my true path. I learned you can't fight who you are, and that if you deny yourself the life you are meant for, you simply end up without a life.
One thing I have found fascinating about these pictures, is that I was getting older up until 9/2004, and ever since then I seem to be getting younger.
Saturday, September 03, 2005
Thursday, September 01, 2005
Monday, August 29, 2005
Thursday, August 25, 2005
By now I have been an online girl for longer than the internet was around, starting way back on bbs message boards, but I either presented myself as just your average girl, or *if*I revealed I was transgendered it would only be in an area that accepts transgendered people. As a result I didn't have much fear of the people I talked to being rude to me, but recently with a couple friends I have signed up on a couple internet dating sites - and I clearly stated I was transgendered on them. As a result I was worried that I'd get some reactions that would make me feel bad about myself. It turns out that people are nicer than I had imagined.
I guess it is probably people from all over that are nicer than I had imagined, but specifically I have been quite impressed with Saskatoon people I must say. I realize most of the searches I will turn up on come from the Saskatoon area, so hopefully it extends further than our little city, but I am just so very surprised at the amount of messages I have received from well-wishers. People who are not interested in me in 'that way' but still take a moment to say hi and wish me luck.
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
Monday, August 15, 2005
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
We walked inside and I was eager to order a drink - here is the only bad part of the night. I asked for a vodka special and the woman turned around for about a minute and returned with a tiny little plastic cup with a mostly clear but slightly cloudy-white liquid. It turned out that at The Underground a vodka special is made with warm vodka, warm and flat 'Spritz Up' and in place of lime juice was some unknown ingredient that gave it that cloudy-white look. I honestly didn't know what to do. I didn't want to look like I was criticizing the place, but that drink was not only room temperature and didn't taste right, but it didn't taste good either! I was quite consumed with what strange ingredient might be inside that glass and so I decided I had to just get rid of it. I asked Megan if she knew what bottled drinks, other than beer, they served and she told me that they had Smirnoff Ice. I like those so I went up to order one. I was pretty happy when I saw it on the menu because it was under the title of "Girl Drinks". I was actually buying it because I knew it wouldn't be full of random ingredients, but part of me was pretty proud to be walking back with a girl drink.
Well so there I was with a 3/4 full drink and Megan and Jen were ready to go on the dance floor. Megan explained why there were two sections. The dance floor was open to minors, so the wired off area was to separate alcohol from the kids. So while the two of them went to dance I had to nurse my drink alone in the chicken coop. In order to watch them I moved to a different area, but there were no empty tables, so I just sat at one nearby. There was a guy at that table who amused me a little. He was sort of singing the praises of the goth culture. He was telling me that goth lets a person be free of the limitations that real life places. He mentioned my bright blue shirt and implied that while it looked nice it was too conventional. He said goth allows a person dress how they want, act how they want, do what they want etc because they no longer have to worry about how others think they should dress, act or do. He was trying to convince me that by wearing conventional clothes I was missing out on the freeing aspect that goth gives a person when they shed societal constraints. I listened politely, but I really wanted to say that if he thought wearing black clothes and black lipstick was pressing the limits of society then he should really try putting on a skirt and pink lipstick.
At the end of the night we did not take a cab home, instead we just walked to Jen's house. It was actually a really fun walk. We stopped for a bite to eat, a couple drunk-out-of-their-mind strangers came over and entertained us for a while, a carload of black guys offered to give us a ride, I tripped over a planter, an evergreen, and a crack in the sidewalk, we crossed railroad tracks and fields, we stopped to pee in the bushes, and finally we made it back to Jen's place where my energy slowly faded into a swirly sort of headache.
Thursday, July 28, 2005
I imagine a lot of women daydream about getting proposed to. The planning, the sincerity, the surprise, that moment between him going to his knee and actually saying the words. I can't really say I have ever had daydreams of getting proposed to, but I can still appreciate that the moment of proposal would be an awesome feeling, one to be cherished.... unless it happens on the internet over Cupid.com.
I think I have been doing pretty well, I have had a couple hundred people look at my profile - but that I attribute to curiousity more than genuine interest. What you can do though, is after you view the profile, if you like the woman you can send her an 'eye contact' - it is just a little prewritten message to let her know you are interested. I have had a good number of those as well, and then if you REALLY like the woman you can send her a message, and I have also had a few of those. Today though, I caught the eye of Stephen. He sent me a lot of messages today and he now holds the title of the being the first man to ask me to marry him... he also has the title of the second man to ask me to marry him... and the third... fourth... fifth...
The messages are quite humorous, and even though I feel like a jerk for doing so, I am posting my two favorites here. I know that one day I will want to remember them:
I want to love you I am feeling strong feelings of love for you
would it be possible for you to maybe feel the same.
I would love to love you and marry you.
Please, consider love.
Dr. Steven Ray
I would love to marry you took one look at you and I was in love sure would love to love you.
Please, consider marriage. I am Dr. Steven Ray Anderson
I see you as so gorgeous and so awesome .
Love to marry you
It just kills me where he writes, "Please, consider love.", but the best is "Please, consider marriage. I am Dr. Steven Ray Anderson"
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
I get this call today, the caller says "Hello, is this Andrew?"
So I say "No this is Sarah."
"Oh I am sorry! I wonder if you will know how to do this, I need to...." and then he details his request. It is some POS configuration setup that I don't know. I tell him that I actually don't know how to do it, but I will find out and make sure it gets done today. I get the feeling he wants it done immediately though and he asked for Shaun.
"I am sorry Shaun is in a meeting right now, but I will get this done for you."
"... and Jesse quit right?"
"Well, I am pretty sure Andrew knows how to do this, is he around?"
And then I didn't say anything. What could I say now? I had already said that I wasn't Andrew, so I'd feel stupid admitting to it now. I paused so long that since my mouth was hanging open, my tongue started to dry out. Finally Alan said "Hello? Is Andrew around?"
".... um no, he's not."
"oh I suppose he in a meeting with Shaun?"
"Will he be back soon?"
".... uh.... no.... he isn't here anymore."
"He quit? "
"Did he go work with Jesse?"
".... no.... I don't know where he went." I just wanted this call to end. "I'll call you right back!"