Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Sarah has a problem...

There is a funeral this Saturday for Heather's grandmother. I should go because I love Heather, but I don't know if I can do it. I hate to say it but the reason I don't think I can go has nothing to do with the woman who died, instead it is because of my own family losses. It seems like just a couple months ago, but it was 8 years ago that I lost my little sister, and four years ago that I lost my dad. Since then, even a funeral on tv makes me think of them, and gets me quite upset. If I go this weekend I should be grieving for Bryar, but I know I won't. Even last year at my own grandmother's funeral I couldn't seem to think about her for more than a minute. I cried, but I cried for Laurie, I cried for Dad. I am not a religious person, yet it is so easy to imagine that my grandma's spirit moved on and could somehow see me, and somehow know what I was thinking and that would be so terrible if she knew that at her funeral I wasn't even thinking about her. I felt really guilty about that, but I still didn't grieve for her. After that I decided that I was done with funerals. I planned out exactly whose I would go to, and I left a couple slots open for people I just haven't met yet. I don't know if I am being selfish or not, but I do know I am not 'over' those two deaths, and I do know if I go to that funeral this weekend I will just end up reliving and refeeling two of the worst days of my life. I am torn between going to show love and support for Heather, or staying away to protect myself.

1 comment:

megers said...

hun, do whatever you are comfortable with. You need to put yourself first in those difficult times. Luv ya.