Saturday, May 21, 2005

It is worth it to take this chance.

I was thinking about yesterday's post where I said I was scared when installing that computer. I was feeling anxiety over people looking at me. I was worried people would know I am transgendered and they would whisper about me.
Then I realized that this is nothing new to me.
I have, over my entire life, been worried about that exact same thing. A year ago I would have been just as anxious fixing that computer as I was yesterday, for the same reasons too! I was always convinced that I wore a stamp that said 'transgendered' on my forehead and everyone could see it. To add to how I felt though I hated how I looked. I hated the image I portrayed. I hated my name and my voice. I hated who I was. Yesterday was different though, different by far. I felt like I looked good. I felt like I had extra confidence. I liked that people saw the image of a woman when they looked at me, and whether it be genuine or just courtesy, I was being considered female by everyone I talked to.

So yesterday when I said I was scared... I was scared, but you know what? I felt great. I was scared, but I felt normal. I haven't been able to shed that anxiety over being tg'd yet, so I had those negative feelings, but I also had all these postives countering it. If there is ever another transgender reading this, know this: When other parts of your life fit better, then what is bad doesn't seem anywhere near as bad. It is worth it to take this chance.


Burt Safer said...

I'm not transgender, and I don't know any of them personally, but you definitely look like a woman to me. (maybe I do know some transgenders after all). Great blog!

Sarah J M said...

Thanks a lot Burt!
Yeah maybe you do some some transgenders and don't know it... we're everywhere! [insert music from Jaws here]