Saturday, May 21, 2005

It is worth it to take this chance.

I was thinking about yesterday's post where I said I was scared when installing that computer. I was feeling anxiety over people looking at me. I was worried people would know I am transgendered and they would whisper about me.
Then I realized that this is nothing new to me.
I have, over my entire life, been worried about that exact same thing. A year ago I would have been just as anxious fixing that computer as I was yesterday, for the same reasons too! I was always convinced that I wore a stamp that said 'transgendered' on my forehead and everyone could see it. To add to how I felt though I hated how I looked. I hated the image I portrayed. I hated my name and my voice. I hated who I was. Yesterday was different though, different by far. I felt like I looked good. I felt like I had extra confidence. I liked that people saw the image of a woman when they looked at me, and whether it be genuine or just courtesy, I was being considered female by everyone I talked to.

So yesterday when I said I was scared... I was scared, but you know what? I felt great. I was scared, but I felt normal. I haven't been able to shed that anxiety over being tg'd yet, so I had those negative feelings, but I also had all these postives countering it. If there is ever another transgender reading this, know this: When other parts of your life fit better, then what is bad doesn't seem anywhere near as bad. It is worth it to take this chance.

2 comments:

Burt Safer said...

I'm not transgender, and I don't know any of them personally, but you definitely look like a woman to me. (maybe I do know some transgenders after all). Great blog!

Sarah said...

Thanks a lot Burt!
Yeah maybe you do some some transgenders and don't know it... we're everywhere! [insert music from Jaws here]