Thursday, March 02, 2006

The Golden Arches

So, I've been on these hormones for a while now, and I'm getting to be quite the expert on the side effects. Any quick search and you will find a list of side effects; sore breasts, breast enlargement, water retention, headache, weight gain, nausea and vomiting. I've had all of this in the months I've been on estrogen and I handled them in stride. There are also the more serious effects that I hope to avoid - stroke, arteriosclerosis, and deep vein thrombosis. Estrogen has so many side effects that no list will be entirely complete. For example, most sites I have read didn't bother to mention anything emotional, but I guess since most of these sites were geared for women the authors figured that just goes without saying. Also, since most sites were geared for women the authors usually don't bother to mention that while estrogen buffs the bust, it shrinks the dink.

Homer: You wear a bathing suit in the bathtub?
Ned: Yeah, that way I can't see my own shrinkydink.
Homer (pause): Makes sense.

As people so equipped well know, there is no fixed length to the unit. Sometimes you just end up with the short end of the stick. It is like the stock market - most of the time it is fairly predictable, but sometimes it's up and sometimes it's down. When it is down there could be a million reasons - maybe it is the way you are sitting, the temperature of the room, the company you are with, but for whatever reason shrinkydinks are normal. My estrogen problem is similar but not the same. It's not like a sudden cold water shrink dink, it is a gradual yet noticeable overall constant shortening. I knew this would happen of course. It didn't bother me one bit and in no way was any sort of consideration to me at all before I went on hormones. After all, when you'd prefer an innie, any sort of outtie seems too big anyway, but other than that I've never been concerned with the size of my own you-know-what. Small or big, I preferred not to think about it either way. I am sure you readers would prefer that as well but today this is our subject, so I apologize.

The problem I am having is a direct result of when The Shortening meets a Shrinkydink. It is an unpleasant topic indeed. In fact it is a problem that I should keep to myself, but for some reason I am writing it down for not only my friends to read, but the entire internet as well. Maybe by some strange coincidence some other MtF will chance upon my blog and it will save her from the trouble I've had to experience a few times already.

Disclaimer: The blog will now turn to the topic of peeing. Reader discretion is advised.
A few times now I have sat down in the bathroom to take care of some business. I'd prefer to talk in metaphors for this next part, so let's just say I didn't realize that there was a lull in the market, that it was low-tide, that Elvis had left the building. In fact, when coupled with the estrogen shortening, the region affected was in a Full Turtle. So when I actually let loose, instead of having a healthy downward angled stream I had a horizontal one that launched like a Super-Soaker clear of the toilet, arched over my pants and landed on the floor a couple feet away. All you transwomen out there beware, a side effect of estrogen that is not mentioned on any site is that you might end up being extremely embarrassed and involuntarily contribute to the insanitary conditions of public washrooms as you look like one of those peeing statues.

"Manneken Pis"


Anonymous said...

This is one of my favourite stories! For some reason, it reminds me of the one about the directions on the shampoo bottle. You always crack me up.

Sarah J M said...

I wrote the shampoo bottle story like ten years ago!

Anonymous said...

Well I know but it was one of my favourites. You haven't written for me in a long time so all my favourites are from long ago.

Sarah J M said...

Deanne, when I write a blog I always write it with you in mind.

Anonymous said...

Well then I guess I should be thankful. I always wanted to see your work published so I suppose this is at least a move in the right direction.