This is an email that Chino sent me this morning. I thought it was funny.
Yesterday Chino and I went to the River Trail after work for a walk. When we returned, I pulled into the garage and we both hopped out of the car like I do everyday. There is a single brick step that leads up to the back door to my house that is in the garage. So, Chino and I are walking to the step, I am about two feet from the step when something on the step moves and hisses. IT WAS A GOD DAMN FUCKING SNAKE! The snake was 25 feet long, black, slimy and fangy. It was a Anacondacobramoccasinboaconstrictor.
I flipped the fuck out. I started screaming at the top of my lungs and ran out into the back yard. It needs to be noted that my traitor of dog ran away in fear to the backyard instead of protecting me from the Anacondacobramoccasinboaconstrictor. Shannon, who heard me screaming, comes barreling out of the house--thank God he came out the front door because if he would have opened the back door the snake would have went into my house (which was obviously it's objective). I say "IT'S A ANACONDACOBRAMOCCASINBOACONSTRICTOR!!! KILL IT!" Well the sneaky 45 foot long bastard slithers behind some shelves in the garage and Shannon can't get to it. By then I have ran into the middle of the street (I needed distance from the snake infested house) and am screaming at my husband that either he locate and dispose of the Anacondacobramoccasinboaconstrictor or else I am never stepping foot in that house ever again! I was completely prepared to go live in a hotel---a snake free one that is.
So Shannon moves the shelves and finds the 50 foot snake, takes the shovel and slays the beast. He then proceeds to pick it up and inspect it to prove to me that is was dead.I determined (from the middle of the street) that is was dead, but all night long I expected to find a snake somewhere in my house.
Shannon "claims" that the snake was only 18 inches long, non-venomous black runner. Well he is just deluded! He was a fucking 60 foot long poisonous Anacondacobramoccasinboaconstrictor!
I will never be able to go in my garage again. I honestly couldn’t sleep last night because I was worried that one of its family members and made it inside my house! I can't live there any longer. I am calling a realtor today.- Kara C.
P.S. Don't be confused. In her story she refers to 'Chino'. Chino is actually her dog's name, but I call her Chino too.
P.P.S. Don't worry. There wasn't a 90 foot long Anacondacobramoccasinboafuckingconstrictor loose in Saskatchewan. Chino lives in North Carolina.
P.P.P.S. I like how she combined all the different snake names into one, but she must have more snake knowledge than me because to me a moccasin is a shoe.