Future Shop Guy and Computer Games

Yesterday I went to Future Shop with a couple guys from work and the guy helping us mentioned World of Warcraft. Well that brought me into the conversation and soon he was talking about a couple of new games and I ended up buying one that he recommended. As we were leaving I was marveling at myself because this is one of the first times in this sort of setting where I was only thinking about the conversation, and not about being transgendered. It feels really good to lose that constant thought. I want to make sure I mention that this is not a new thought. I mean I am sure it might appear to some people that I would only gain this thought when appearing in public as a transsexual, but in truth even when nobody had a clue it was still the first and last thing I thought about. I honestly think the key is facing fears. It sounds cliche but it is true. As I do this more I am less and less concerned with 'passing' and 'stealth', and usually even when completely dressed male I make sure to wear some earrings or makeup because I think I am actually proud of being tg'd. In fact my lifelong fear of being identified as transgendered, the fear that caused me so much stress is actually the key to feeling better because if somebody already knows I am transgendered I have nothing left to be afraid of.

About the game I got... does anyone think there is a hormonal reason why boys are attracted to computer games more than girls? I ask because I know that game would have had me enthralled a couple years ago, but to be honest I got bored of it a few minutes after I started playing it. About the only thing to change is my hormone levels. At least as I spend more money on clothes these days I can look forward to saving money on computer games.

Procrastination!

So about 3 months ago when I went for my first appointment with the hormones doctor I was pretty nervous and my heart was racing. The doctor checking me out wanted to get some baseline statistics from me and had to get me to lay down before he got an accurate heart rate - but it was still high. I was worried that perhaps next visit my heart rate will be even higher and might jeopardize an increase in my hormones. From previous experience I've noticed that it takes about 1 week of going to the gym and my heart rate drops significantly. So what I decided to do is go to the gym frequently and make sure my heart rate was perfect for my next appointment. Well that was three months ago and well, my next appointment is in 5 days. I went to the gym for the first time last night.

I think hearts are cool. Last night I did thirty minutes on the cross trainer and my heart rate was 190ish by the time I was done. I have done the 'first trip to the gym' several times, and I know if I go everyday for a week the same amount of exercise will only make my heart rate 150ish. I know a lot of people give up on going to the gym because they don't see results, but whether they look different or not, the results behind the scenes start fast.

Goodbye to Heather

I visited Heather this morning because I wanted to see her one last time before she left for ten months. I gave her a hug and said I had to run off to work. The truth was I could feel a massive amount of tears welling up, and I decided I should go before the dam burst, but all I wanted to do was stay there and hug her for as long as possible and cry. I'll miss her so much.

Have a good trip Nuckers, come home safe.

It's a new JJ

Last night I went for Burmese food with Heather, Mike, Cam, and Warren. I had never been before, and I have to say it was delicious. As I was sitting there eating I noticed a guy looking at me. Whenever this happens I have these conflicting thoughts in my head... if I think that he can tell I am transgendered I want him to quit staring, but if I think he can't tell, then bring it on - stare all you want. In this case it wasn't really either case because I realized this was a kid I went to highschool with, but he isn't a kid any longer. He had a widow's peak, but otherwise more hair. He had a significant amount of weight gain, and the part that surprises me about everyone I see years after highschool finished is that he looked so adult with all those lines and shapes to his face, and mass to his body. I soon found that now I was doing the staring as I thought 'Wow, has he ever changed!'

The Last Word!

Last year, before I talked to the counselor about my transgenderism, I decided to go look for a local support group online. I didn't find anything that fit, but I joined a Yahoo group for crossdressers. I soon found out that this is not even close to the same thing, but I was found by a guy who even though he did not share the same problem as me, he had problems of his own. We thought it would be a good idea to have each other to talk to about these personal private things.

Well, during our instant message sessions he started to be a little fixated on the idea of meeting up for sex rather than chatting online for support. I tried to postpone having to deal with that topic and after a while he just stopped talking to me altogether. He was never online, and he didn't reply to me. I was naive though, so although I recognized his interest in sex I still believed that he was 'in trouble' so I sent him a couple messages to check up on him. In return I got a huge rude email about "fatal attractioning" him, about how "this isn't going to work out", about how he has a wife and kids to think about, etc etc. I was completely taken aback because his email was written as if he was fed up with my romantic intentions towards him, yet I was not in any way interested in pursuing a relationship at all. I mean not even in the remotest of remote possiblities. After this we had a couple more emails between us where I was mostly insulted and confused, and he was mostly insulting and confusing. In the end he just left me wondering WTF was wrong with him. It is clear in hindsight, that he was just trying to exploit my need to find someone to confide in, in hopes of exploring his own attraction to transgender women.

Well then today, over a year later, this same guy finds me again and this time he is applying for access to my Transgender support site. He writes that he just found out a friend of his is gay and he wants to join the site to learn more about it. First of all - it is not a gay site. Second of all - last time we spoke HE was the gay one. Third of all - he was lying then, and he is lying now. I was able to send him a nice "Membership: DENIED" email and I told him to go looking for whatever he needs elsewhere. I felt a little guilty because part of me always believes the lies, but the rest of me knows I was lied to and so it feels good to have done what I did. I know this is one time I was able to see the truth through the lies and was able to put a stop to it going any further, for me or anyone else in the group.

I find it really easy to believe lies, especially when they are saying what I want to hear. It really hurts though when I discover the truth. After today I am beginning to think that maybe a person needs to get raked over the coals a few times before smartening up. It is as George W. Bush says, "Fool me once... shame on... shame on you. Fool me y'can't get fooled again."