My mom has been away for a few days, so I've been taking care of her house. It isn't hard, I just bring in the mail and water the plants. The hardest part is getting there. I would just rather be going somewhere else I guess. This evening though I decided to make the trip to mom's house my entire evening's activity. I grabbed a book, my mp3 player and I started walking. Along the way I read, I sat on the grass in a couple parks, I bought a cold drink to sip along the way, and I chatted on the phone with some friends. Basically I just enjoyed the evening over the course of a 15 kilometre walk.
A block from mom's I had to pass by my ex-friend Rob's parent's house - this is where Rob currently lives. As I walked by I had a few minutes to wonder what he was up to these days. I wondered where he was in life, if he has a girlfriend, if he is working, if he is happy... It seems weird that as a kid I wasn't supposed to knock when I visited, I was told to walk right in, but now as adults I'm completely shut out. He hasn't spoken to me in a civil tone in almost three years.
I gave up on wondering what he was up to because my attention shifted to some of the things we used to do as kids. It was probably about 22 years ago that we used to play a game called "Slingshot vs Pellet Gun". It was a game a lot like hide and seek, but once you found the person... well, the goal of the game was pretty simple: the first one to shoot the other player wins.
We weren't that dumb though. We didn't actually shoot each other, we'd just shoot near each other. Still... more than once I heard the sound of a pellet as it whizzed too too close past my ear. This particular night though we called the game without a winner because we had some unexpected players show up.
It was snowing that night, probably the first snow of the year. I gave Rob a head start and shortly after I went looking for him. According to our rules, you could go anywhere you wanted on the block I lived on, and I mean anywhere. It is only a city block, but when you consider the back alley, the front yards, back yards, up trees and on top of buildings, this is a pretty big area. Luckily it was proving easy to follow Rob's tracks in the freshly fallen snow.
I followed cautiously. Rob was crafty and it would have been just like him to backtrack down his own tracks, jump off in some other direction, and wait behind a garbage can until I walked by. When I saw his tracks stop at a fence, it took me a minute or two to determine it was safe for me to approach. I looked over the top of the fence and saw that Rob had climbed it, and then walked balance-beam style down the length of it between two yards.
I did my best to walk on top the fence too, and I saw his tracks move to the roof of a shed, and from the shed on to a garage. I went where they led, up over the crest of the garage roof. When I looked over I saw the tracks went halfway down the other side, then it looked like he sat down and creeped towards the edge so that he didn't slip and fall off.
I again followed until I was sitting on the edge of the garage with my feet dangling down. I saw tracks 10 feet below indicating Rob had jumped off and ran down the block. I guess I didn't notice there were several sets of tracks going off in the same direction because I was too busy making sure Rob wasn't waiting in ambush. Suddenly I heard people coming out the front door of the house that was attached to the garage I was sitting on.
I looked over and saw three men standing on the doorstep looking up at me. One of them pointed and said, "There he is again!!" One of the others said, "Get him!"
I jumped off and ran like the wind. They came after me, but thankfully my Slingshot vs Pellet Gun experience meant I had the home-field advantage and it didn't take long to lose them. I went a round-a-bout way back to my house and found Rob there waiting for me. We decided we should just stay in and play video games rather than end up in another foot chase with angry neighbours.
I didn't win our game that night, but I ended up with a pretty good memory. I'm glad. Rob doesn't talk to me anymore, so memories like that are all I've got.
Friday, August 31, 2007
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Peas and Carrots
Kara: You and me Sarah are just like Forrest Gump and Jenny: We are Peas and Carrots!
Sarah: I guess that means I have to be Forrest because I am the only one of us that has a carrot.
Kara: PMG Sarah! So that makes me the drug abusing slut that dies from aids? Thanks a lot!! And you call yourself my friend...pfft!
Sarah: So what if she was a slut, she was hot. If you don't like it you can be Bubba.
Kara: Good point. She was really skinny too. I think I will stick to being a drug abusing slut who dies of aids. I don't want to be Bubba.
He has a carrot.
Sarah: I guess that means I have to be Forrest because I am the only one of us that has a carrot.
Kara: PMG Sarah! So that makes me the drug abusing slut that dies from aids? Thanks a lot!! And you call yourself my friend...pfft!
Sarah: So what if she was a slut, she was hot. If you don't like it you can be Bubba.
Kara: Good point. She was really skinny too. I think I will stick to being a drug abusing slut who dies of aids. I don't want to be Bubba.
He has a carrot.
Friday, August 24, 2007
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
"Sarah Jana?!?"
It was pointed out to me that in all the blog articles I have written about switching genders I didn't ever mention how I chose my new names. I guess I didn't bother to write about it because I've explained to practically everyone I know how I arrived at them - mostly because I think people agree that Sarah Jane would have been a better choice. They aren't wrong. I'll be the first to admit that my first and middle names are kind of awkward together. Too many a's I guess. I sometimes wish that I did pick names with better flow, but then I remember that I didn't pick my names to sound good together. I picked them because they are just both me.
I couldn't even tell you how I picked the name Sarah. I picked it maybe 25 years ago. Even back then I knew I was a girl inside, and at some point I picked out a name for myself. I remember I tossed around a dozen or so possibilites before I settled on 'Sarah', but I just don't recall how I came up with it. Whenever I've often tried to remember, the TV show "Little House on the Prairie" always comes to mind. I've checked though, and there were no actors or regular characters named Sarah. I really have no idea. I think it was just a popular name that I thought was pretty.
My middle name originates in computers and computer games. Back when I was a kid there was a role-playing game called Ultima IV. In the game you play a character travelling in a fantasy land. Along the way you meet several characters that will join you and help you in your quest. One of them was named Jaana, which I always read as "Jan, ah". I didn't think much about it at the time, but I played the game so much that I didn't forget the name even years later.
Jaana from Ultima
In university I took a first year Astronomy class and was paired up with a woman named Jana-Dee. She was very pretty and smart in her own right, but my favorite part about her was her first name. Well... I liked the first half of her first name anyway, I didn't care much for the -Dee part.
A couple more years go by until I bought Ultima Online - a massively multiplayer online game. When I had to pick a name for my character I remembered the name Jaana from the previous game, and I remembered the name Jana-Dee from university, and before I knew it, my character was Jana the thief. Since then I have used the name Jana in most games that I play. After a while I began to consider it an alternate first name.
When it was time to change my name I had been calling myself Sarah in my head for 20-some years, and I had been calling myself Jana in computer games for maybe 8 years. I decided that both names were me, and there was no reason I needed to choose between them, so I picked them both. The world sees them as first and middle names, but really they are just two first names that I couldn't decide between.
P.S. Shortly before I changed my name I began playing World of Warcraft where I made two characters: Saraa the mage, and Janaa the priest. Sometimes when people asked how I picked my names I've just taken the short route and said I named myself after my warcraft characters.
P.P.S. I didn't even consider this at all when I was choosing my names, but afterwards I thought it was cool -my mom's name is Sharon Jean. I think Sarah Jana is a good name for the daughter of a Sharon Jean.
I couldn't even tell you how I picked the name Sarah. I picked it maybe 25 years ago. Even back then I knew I was a girl inside, and at some point I picked out a name for myself. I remember I tossed around a dozen or so possibilites before I settled on 'Sarah', but I just don't recall how I came up with it. Whenever I've often tried to remember, the TV show "Little House on the Prairie" always comes to mind. I've checked though, and there were no actors or regular characters named Sarah. I really have no idea. I think it was just a popular name that I thought was pretty.
My middle name originates in computers and computer games. Back when I was a kid there was a role-playing game called Ultima IV. In the game you play a character travelling in a fantasy land. Along the way you meet several characters that will join you and help you in your quest. One of them was named Jaana, which I always read as "Jan, ah". I didn't think much about it at the time, but I played the game so much that I didn't forget the name even years later.
In university I took a first year Astronomy class and was paired up with a woman named Jana-Dee. She was very pretty and smart in her own right, but my favorite part about her was her first name. Well... I liked the first half of her first name anyway, I didn't care much for the -Dee part.
A couple more years go by until I bought Ultima Online - a massively multiplayer online game. When I had to pick a name for my character I remembered the name Jaana from the previous game, and I remembered the name Jana-Dee from university, and before I knew it, my character was Jana the thief. Since then I have used the name Jana in most games that I play. After a while I began to consider it an alternate first name.
When it was time to change my name I had been calling myself Sarah in my head for 20-some years, and I had been calling myself Jana in computer games for maybe 8 years. I decided that both names were me, and there was no reason I needed to choose between them, so I picked them both. The world sees them as first and middle names, but really they are just two first names that I couldn't decide between.
P.S. Shortly before I changed my name I began playing World of Warcraft where I made two characters: Saraa the mage, and Janaa the priest. Sometimes when people asked how I picked my names I've just taken the short route and said I named myself after my warcraft characters.
P.P.S. I didn't even consider this at all when I was choosing my names, but afterwards I thought it was cool -my mom's name is Sharon Jean. I think Sarah Jana is a good name for the daughter of a Sharon Jean.
The Bizarro Sarah
As you know, I have been parking across the river to save money on parking. I am glad for the exercise, but I hate crossing the bridge because I always feel so self-conscious. I don't know what it is, maybe it has something to do with temperature, or the fact there are no obstructions, but as soon as you get over water the wind seems to increase exponentially. As a result, as soon as I step on to the bridge, my hair blows back revealing my tragically male skull shape.
I shouldn't complain because given the age I began my transition, I haven't been too cursed with overly masculine features, but let's face it - most of my transition success is due to women's clothing, jewelery, makeup and a feminine hair style. If you get me out of my clothes, the illusion quickly fades - and that is one of the reasons why I am always clothed in the presence of others (the other reason is that I can't seem to get a date these days.)
Hair is like clothes for the skull. As a transsexual I use hair in exactly the same two very important ways that I use clothes. The first way is that I keep it feminine to help present a feminine appearance, and the second way is that I use it to hide my non-feminine features. The problem with hair that I don't have with clothes, is that it doesn't take much of a wind to blow my hair into a position where it stops hiding my flaws.
Unfortunately for me, our species has significant amount of what is called sexual dimorphism. This means that males and females, although the same species, have differences in form and appearance. If men and women were only roughly the same shape and size, life would be a lot easier for us transsexuals, but clearly there are substantial differences.
Sexual dimorphism in pheasants
The easiest differences to spot of course, include the fact that women have pronounced breasts and hips, and that typically women are smaller than men. Some differences that are harder to notice on anything but a subconscious level involve the skull. Men have a pronounced brow ridge - similar but not as emphasized as the kind you see in gorillas or cavemen (female readers: you can probably extend further comparisons along these lines if you like). Further, a male skull is somewhat dome-shaped above this ridge, where a female skull is typically a continuous curve from the eyes to the top of the skull.
Differences between male and female skulls
Compared to a woman's skull, men also have a broader chin, as well as a more defined angle where the chin approaches the ear. We may not notice these differences, but we use them all the time to differentiate between male and female. It is exactly these differences that make me feel self-conscious when I don't have hair hiding the sharply-angled and misshapenly-masculine bits of my skull.
Sarah with her hair allowed to frame her face
Sarah with her hair blowing back in the wind
I shouldn't complain because given the age I began my transition, I haven't been too cursed with overly masculine features, but let's face it - most of my transition success is due to women's clothing, jewelery, makeup and a feminine hair style. If you get me out of my clothes, the illusion quickly fades - and that is one of the reasons why I am always clothed in the presence of others (the other reason is that I can't seem to get a date these days.)
Hair is like clothes for the skull. As a transsexual I use hair in exactly the same two very important ways that I use clothes. The first way is that I keep it feminine to help present a feminine appearance, and the second way is that I use it to hide my non-feminine features. The problem with hair that I don't have with clothes, is that it doesn't take much of a wind to blow my hair into a position where it stops hiding my flaws.
Unfortunately for me, our species has significant amount of what is called sexual dimorphism. This means that males and females, although the same species, have differences in form and appearance. If men and women were only roughly the same shape and size, life would be a lot easier for us transsexuals, but clearly there are substantial differences.
The easiest differences to spot of course, include the fact that women have pronounced breasts and hips, and that typically women are smaller than men. Some differences that are harder to notice on anything but a subconscious level involve the skull. Men have a pronounced brow ridge - similar but not as emphasized as the kind you see in gorillas or cavemen (female readers: you can probably extend further comparisons along these lines if you like). Further, a male skull is somewhat dome-shaped above this ridge, where a female skull is typically a continuous curve from the eyes to the top of the skull.
Compared to a woman's skull, men also have a broader chin, as well as a more defined angle where the chin approaches the ear. We may not notice these differences, but we use them all the time to differentiate between male and female. It is exactly these differences that make me feel self-conscious when I don't have hair hiding the sharply-angled and misshapenly-masculine bits of my skull.
Again, I don't want to be a whiner. I think I am pretty lucky facially in the pass-for-female department. On cursory examination I seem to have somewhat soft, feminine facial features, but when my hair is blown back, it reveals the true male nature of my boy-skull. Any appearance of feminine softness is replaced with craggy, hard looking angles along my forehead, and along the sides of my chin and any illusion of femaleness disappears as surely as if I had just taken off all my clothes and let my wiener hang out.
I will illustrate this using... illustrations. You can see in the first image below how I look with hair framing my face (and sunlight reflecting off my pudgy cheeks). Considering I'm male I think I pass alright as a woman. In the second picture though you see what I look like when my hair is blown back. It is hardly feminine, in fact, it is down-right scary.
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